Day 10,145 - Tuesday - 03 Asadha 1930 - 19 Jamadi us Sani 1429 - 24 June 2008

So, I seem to have found an amazing place to eat at. Bread People. Absolutely amazing eggs. I would have to say that they have the best eggs in Karachi. Of course this does not include the rapidly ageing eggs of my friend RW who says that she has the best eggs in Karachi. Despite being exceptionally opinionated and judgemental, the only reason why I choose to say this exceptionally diplomatic thing this is to avoid the inevitable post blogging argument with her. Back to non human eggs. Bread People on Khayaban e Ittihad is absolutely good at making eggs.

I went with friends and decided to try their chili omelette. For all of you reading this, the basic requirement of your life should be to try this as soon as possible because it is the most delectable item on the face of the planet and you will love me all the more for this. Coming back to non human eggs I ordered lemon slush with the chili omelette.

Amazing combination.

Ten minutes into the egg. I decided that I need something cold to brush away the chili flavour. Like any normal human being, which usually I am not, I took a large swig of the slush. I was already suffereing with my mouth burning due to the chili. And I started feeling it. It was coming on. I knew that it was going to happen. And I couldnt do anything. I had to try to stop it. But I could feel is grow slowly and gradually, it started from my ear lobes and spread to my head. Brain freeze. It took two seconds, but to me it felt like an age.

Shocked, battered and reeling I decided to eat something hot immediately. To mitigate the effects of the oncoming brain freeze. I took two large bites of the chili omelette. Fuck. Too spicy. My tongue was killing me because it was so fucking spicy. Like any brain dead imbecilic human being, I took another slug of the lemon slush. Fuck. Too cold. Another jet of brain freeze.

Chili Omelette. Lemon Slush. Chili Omelette. Lemon Slush. Fuck. Fuck me! Why the fuck do I act like a fucking brain dead automaton when I have a brain, the ability to use it, and the ability to understand that I need to stop this spiralling vicious circle of pain and stupidity. But it didnt work out that way.

I am such a fucking idiot. Who in their right mind would do the same thing. No one. So Ladies and Gentlemen, I take a bow. For I am Jalal.

Day 10,125 - Wednesday - 14 Jyaistah 1930 - 29 Jamadi ul Awwal 1429 - 04 June 2008

Saturday night, a large group of losers, me and my friend HS and his wife decide to go for food on the highway. Mind you, Saturday night. The rest of the world is getting drunk and then having meaningless lovemaking on banana leafs and persian carpets. And we are going for food to the other end of my known universe. After travelling through disgusting traffic, we reached the desired location. Fed on inordinate amounts of fatty, fried, meaty delights. And, to our most utter surprise, on our return journey, decided to take the Liari Expressway, and were home in less than half an hour.

I would have to say that after eating for three people, returning home at midnight, sleepy as mary-fucking-hellish-poppins it was an absolutely amazing surprise to cut half an hour of traffic from our drive. I would rate it at 0.789302 orgasms.

Oh, and despite the exercise (I ran 2.7 Kms today) I dont see any drastic changes. The patrician signage of the extended stomach is there. My butt is still large and squashy. And of course, I realized today, that I have man boobs. I mean fucking shit. If I wore an A sized bra; it would actually do me good. So I guess I will shift to absolutely nothing other than fruit for lunch.

Damnit! I want something to email and tell me he loves me, and meet up with me and make ever sweet love to me whilst respecting me as a person and loving me back. WELL!!! And in case you are reading this (stupidest fucking brainless logically devoid question to ask) and you are not that guy, please set me up with a friend of yours.

Thank you, and good bye. From yours trule, psychotics united.

Day 10,116 - Monday - 05 Jyaistha 1930 - 20 Jamadi ul Awwal 1429 - 26 May 2008

Life has been all about juices lately. Creative, Orange and love.

I had decided that I will change things about my life. I will do things I have not done. I will do things that challenge me. Not like my fucking work, which can be done properly by a monkey, after a bottle of whiskey, or three. I wanted to learn a foreign language and learn to either sing or play an instrument. As per the rules of my life. Mr Jalaluddin had to be absolutely confused about everything and every element of life. It took me one year to decide amongst French, Persian, Turkish and Italian. I agree this list is very strange and knowing me as an absolutely psycho should not have even allowed you to ask the question of why this list is wierd. I decided that I will go for French. The reason? My friend joined the classes and dragged me to them as well. Not at all as exciting a reason as anyone can hope for. Definitely not as exciting as hot French men daubed in Azure paint running naked at the language training centre. If only!

I also wanted to learn either to sing or to play the Guitar, Drums or the Tabla. Again, as per the rules of engagement, one of my friends told me to “Grow the fuck up and learn to sing”. Of course that was simply because he wanted to play the Guitar and wanted to play music with me without having to share his Guitar. But, all in all, in the end. I get to sing. Yay! Jalal, you are an absolutely stupendous idiot. Oh shut up!

The Creative juices have started to flow.

As part of my overall strategy to improve my life, and my health. And to ensure that I do not turn into an overgrown fat hag that is bitter and does not get any sex at all, I have started to change my diet and exercise. The only change in my diet is that now I eat as many fruits as I can get my hands on, so all other items of food have gotten reduced in quantity now. And I exercise by going for a walk/jog for forty minutes a day. It is doing me good. So, as per this new development I have had the opportunity to taste fruits and fruit juices all over the city. I am absolutely in love with fresh fruit juices. Just a random example will the the Orange juice at Dunkin Donuts, it is extremely frothy, but is amazing.

The Orange juices are amazing.

And now, to the most, wicked, cruel and absolutely naughty detail. Now, first of all, any or all of you, who do not want to know sexually explicit or disgusting details, please avert your eyes, because I promise this is not a pretty sight. The rest of you, enjoy to your heart’s content, because I feel absolutely ecstatic in bringing this information to day. Today, I had semen on my shirt. It was mine. A tiny mishap during my morning routine. I didnt realize it before I got into my car. Then I knew. I got so excited by the sheer vulgarity and perversion of the action that I spent the whole day extremely over excited and hyper productive at work. I was at least twice as productive as I am usually. I am such a slut!

The love juices are flowing as well!

Oh, and yes, I am absolutely in love with Mark Wahlberg.

Day 10,106 - Friday - 26 Vaisakh 1930 - 10 Jamadi ul Awwal 1429 - 16 May 2008

If stupidity were Gold my office would be glittering.  But, one manages to live with idiots. And enjoy them all the same. Of course when you are making fun of someone with a stright face, it just makes things so beautiful.

And, things are also made beautiful when it is your friend’s brithday. You tell them you are not having cake because of your diet, and your resolve to find good sex, and they dont listen to you. Two of your colleagues grab you and your arms. And the birthday girl, who I hate for now, crams an extra large piece of creamy, soft, melty, delicious, chocolate cake into my face. From that moment onwards, I love chocolate cake. And I love my friend for force feeding me. Of course, the fact that in the action half of it fell on my tie and my incredibly ugly shirt does leave a lot to be desired. So, walking around the office with chocolate cake splotches on my shirt is definitely not something anyone reading this should try.

Oh, and yes, if this does happen to you, and someone mentions it, please, please, please, do not tell them to “You can lick it off if you want to, I can take my shirt off to help you out”. Because then she/he can always slap you.

I tried both, using this on a guy and a girl, same reaction.

Oh and yes, I forgot to post the rules of engagment on the back seat of my car. As you all know, if I know you, then I can drive you around Karachi as you engage in any level of activities in the back seat of my car. That was a given. But, I should have posted the rules for this. The rules are,

Sunday - 16 Safar 1429 - 05 Phalgun 1929 - 24 February 2008 

My belief in the existence of a supreme being, lovingly called God from now on, has been strengthened in the past couple of days. I have suddenly been put through a set of extremely varied experiences since Friday morning. I am sure this God person wants to show me ways to love what he has created. If only he worked this hard to get me sex with Mark Wahlberg, I am sure my belief in him would be awakened beyond all previous records.

So, I go to work on Friday. Over excited about how things are working out, doing my mental calculations. And then a sand storm hit the city, and wham, I am in the loo coughing, sneezing and feeling miserable. My boss thinks I am trying to avoid work. And, I am trying to tell him that he can get a clue from my red eyes and the fact that I have tears dripping from my chin that there is something wrong with me. No, you idiots, slow brained cows, I was not crying, I got a fucking eye infection. I hate infections of all kinds. Though I do like the odd cold, makes me feel sexy. Perverted; but sexy.

Then comes Saturday, I go on an interesting date, the guy does NOT like me. He does NOT like me at all. AT ALL. I am sure you all see the excessive capitalization. I liked him. But, he DEFINITELY did not like me.

So, to get over that, I went to a book store. My old nemesis. I have to decide on a small amount, and then try not to exceed ten times that figure. But, this time I really did go overboard, and bought books worth about 23% of my take home salary and about 16% of my total salary. Crazy, weird, insane? Yes please, with an added dollop or fat free creme. And this is exactly why I have to take someone else along with me when I go shopping. I would max out my card buying stupid cup holders when I know I dont need them.

I think ill just put up a huge sign on my office table “Therapy needed here”. Because, as of now, I dont feel anything else can define me so well.

And then, I went crabbing at night. Amazing experience. The whole family went. And of course, eating at least 25 crabs and 25 shrimp is not a general human’s idea of fun, but when you have practically frozen solid because of the full blast cold freeing winds the only thing you can think of is eating. Eating to your heart’s content.

Ugghhhhhhh. I think I need to sleep today!

Wednesday - 06 Muharram 1429 - 27 Pausa 1929 - 16 January 2008

So, life takes another turn. I start making friends, flit about, and I mean, flit about, the office. My colleagues are very happy at my conversion, my subordinates tell me they can feel me alive again, and my boss thinks that finally I have hit the right path. And of course, life with friends is going very well. Family is fat and overfed as usual. What more can people want? Rather, what more should people want. Of course that is a subjective thing, but for once I will cram my opinion down other people’s throats. Adore the idea of totalitarianism as long as it is not directed against me.

So this post is going to be about sexy office senior genius guy. I mean, he is sexy. He has a sexy voice. And of course he can solve the crossword puzzle while walking besides a crossword. Basically. I think I love him. Not really. Just enough to want unprofessional liaisons. Oh God. I am turning into a slut again.

So the whole healthy routine is back again. Eggs and Cereal for breakfast. Brown bread sandwitches and diet coke for lunch. Selected foods for dinner. Washed down with pints of sugarless tea. I dont take suger in my tea, which would explain the wonder. And, to top all of this off, I am not losing weight. None whatsoever. Does this mean that I should be very very afraid?

Monday - 29 Ziqaad 1428 - 19 Agrahayana 1929 - 10 December 2007 

I usually hate to question ancient wisdom and present my own ideas completely contrary to general opinion. But, today I must. There is such a thing as an interesting Monday, or maybe even a very interesting Monday. I shall present a summary of day. I am sure I would be unable to present the day in any manner better than this, since it is very late.

Woke up late on a winter morning. Sleeping in a going late to work is just amazing on a cold Monday morning. And to top all that off it was amazing weather.

Finished two tasks in record time and spent the rest of the wasting time since my manager knew that those tasks take two days. What can I say. I am good at what I do.

Had a good, hearty, healthy and tasteless lunch. Put out every cigarette half way; that is when I remembered that I had to stop smoking from today.

Went over to my previous department for some work. And I saw an absolutely hot guy there. And I mean 10/10. Better than any I have seen in the past couple of months (of course this does not include porn).

Joined the gym in my office building. There is no other way of ensuring that I go to the gym. And add to that my neighbour is also going. Good. Now I can be assured for being nagged to the gym on a daily basis.

Came home and had a beautiful dinner accompanied by rain. Such a wonderful addition to Karachi weather at this time of the year.

Gave a close friend a small birthday coffee party at Espresso. That is a good place. I would recommend their breakfast to everyone and their grandmother’s friends.

Hooked up with an old friend. Made out, and completed a list of activities legally, morally, ethically, religiously, socially and culturally incongruent with how life is lived in my part of the world. Getting laid is just such an absolutely amazing experience. And to top all that off, I just can not resist facial hair. I am such a slut.

So, with the above eight activities completed, the last one being highly highly weightier than the rest, I would have to say. Good day today. And hopefully a good day tomorrow. Have a nice day and enjoy every moment of it. And, of course, do not let go of any opportunity to make out and be a slut.

Jalal - Over and out.

Sunday - 24 Ramazan 1428 - 15 Asvina 1929 - 07 October 2007

Ok, ok, ok. I know I am 27 and moving swiftly towards oblivion and should start cutting down on starch in my diet. But, I am still a young man, and I have needs.

My aunt got me a 2,000 piece special Lego set today. I love it. I have named it Ahmed. Though the motor thing has its own name. Saeed. So, at the risk of making this sound perverted, I was playing with Ahmed and Saeed for a period of six hours without a break today.

And, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, I swallowed one of the smaller pieces. Why the fuck do they put ages on the boxes when people older than that age can do things like this. I hate lego.

So, when my twelve year old cousin and myself were pulling on the lego box from two different corners he actually did manage to wrestle it from me.

This has got to be a very embarrasing moment for me. I seem to be saying that at an alarmingly faster pace nowadays. I think ill just go and have some more Pulao. It is such a consolation.

Tuesday - 24 Jamadi us Sani 1428 - 19 Asadha 1929 - 10 July 2007

Well, as if a self obsessed ego maniacal horny bastard like myself would not be talking about my trip to Singapore. Bah, Humbug!

So, the highlights include the fact that I was quite turned on by one of my colleagues over there and sparks flew, mine due to lust, and his due to homophobia. I am so stupid. Of course the problem was resolved amicably by my acting like a complete asshole and him thinking that maybe I am not gay but just extremely ill mannered. Honour is saved and respect is lost. Oh well!

Since alcoholic beverages are illegal in Pakistan I got an opportunity where I had only alcoholic beverages for a period of twenty nine days. I did not have plain water, I did not have Coke, I did not have any non alcoholic drinks for twenty nine days. This excludes the occasional drink of water when you wake up in the middle of the night and are about to die, pending liquids being poured down your throat.

And then there was this time when I ate twenty eight chicken wings at Hooters. I am disgusting! I mean, come on, it is only food, it is not love. There is no need to crave it so much and then gorge on it like no tomorrow. I mean, dude get over it! Stop acting like the dustbin that gets all the leftovers. I think I will feel very ashamed now!

Oh, and to top all this off, things at work are going very well. I am going to be transferred into another very interesting department, good team, good work and completely edible bois. Wish me luck and self control and the ability to spend my time in my current job without destroying every shred of respect that I have. Amen!

Oh, and in case you did not know, Mango Milk Shakes are just so seriously fucking delicious that I could have one every hour of the day. Pakistanis and Mangoes, strange psychological dependencies.

Saturday - 08 Rajab 1424 - 15 Bhadra 1925 - 06 September 2003 

well here i am am. it is 1211 here. i have been awake since 1120. no breakfast nothing. i have only two rupees in my pocket. which can buy me one candy. or two if i get cheap ones that taste aweful. and i am hungry. there is nothing that can barelu resemble uncooked food. i am at my cousins. he is snoring so loud. i think ill put up a sound energy plant and produce enough energy to light gambia and maybe even senegal.

that said. i am hungry. i love breakfast. i LOVE breakfast. but then again i love lunch and dinner as well. but i love eggs. i have a thing for eggs. it is not only in my mind it has been proven. one day a crooked aunt just to break my pride told me she will make as many eggs as she can and that she will show me that i will stop in the middle of the eggs and not eat as many as i get like i boast.

it was on! i hated her. she disliked me. we had even spread a few rumours about each other in the past. she had called me feminine. she had actually called me feminine!!! i wasnt gonna take that. i had told someone that she didnt pass college but she failed and tells everyone she has passed. :) people bought it. look i am sorry. but i am evil evil person. even in bed. ;)

so well it was less of a competition and more of a WAR. sortof like the situation in india-pakistan cricket matches. since we arent gonig to fight a war inshallah due to the nukes. and since we dont have cricket matches. so when we do have them it is like do or die. but i digress, more about the whole india-pakistan cricket match scenario later on.

now it is about the “egg war” and the “battle of the breakfast area” as i like to call it. well i wont walk you guys through it but lets say. after 13 eggs. i had won :). she was too tired to make any more. and she was also mindful of the expense she had gone through. so lets just say. crooked aunt 17 - jalal 18. ;) ahhhh the spirit of competition. i am a nice person until someone else starts to compete with me. then i turn into an evil maniac.

i have actually hidden/thrown away a guys toothbrush coz he was trying to cut me off in a conversation. well it is not fair. you try talking and someone cutting you off every 2 minutes. once or twice it is ok. but when you realize that someone is trying to sabotage you you get mad. so did i. well more about my violent competitions later on.

and oh yes. remind me to post about the day when my pants were ripped ;)

and something beautiful that i read at crash.

I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library. -Jorge Luis Borges