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Day 10,205 – Saturday – 01 Bhadra 1930 – 19 Shaban 1429 – 23 August 2008
Fucking internet connection fuck up. This is the seventh post in the past month that has gotten fucked up because of my fucking internet. Long pause with a reasonable amount of stress release and anger at my internet connection. Back to normal. Again. I love the sudden explosions of anger at minute things that I just can not control. The sudden and complete abandon to my feelings is very liberating.
And as I sit here musing about my personal life, my country hurtles headlong into a tunnel with no conception of where it may lead. The 14th of August came and went, and there seems to be nothing outwardly exciting to celebrate. Musharraf resigned; albeit I support the concept of democracy but a strong President would have been a good influence; and we must remember that his legacy is not solely negative. The PPP has nominated Zardari for President, need anyone say any more. The NRO has absolved our politicians of all sins, disgusting. The PMLN is bent upon making governance absolutely impossible. The MQM has nominated Zardari as the Presidential candidate, always a politically astute party with a lot of integrity. The PMLQ has nominated it’s own Presidential candidate. The restoration of the Judiciary is a complete bone of contention that might rip the coalition apart. Violent suicide bombings by the Taliban in Pakistani cities have had a massive toll on citizen’s lives and their conceptions of safety. All I can say is that, more our of hope than experience, I still believe that somehow this will get resolved and good things will happen. Let the dust settle.
Election
Monday – 10 Safar 1429 – 29 Magha 1929 – 18 February 2008
Well, so, it has come. The day of the election. There is widespread fear of how it will turn out. Suicide bombings, party clashes, government-opposition violence, you name it, we are afraid of it. A nation that is absolutely insane, complete crazy and unequivocally confused about where to turn. And, I am this nation.
I had already decided that I will go and vote this time around. Even if I hate all the political parties I still think that I should ensure that the least worst candidate gets elected. So, with a patriotic beating heart I head out to cast my vote for the candidate who will cause the least amount of abject destruction to my country.
I divided my vote between two different parties. One for the national and one for the provincial seat.
The system of polling and casting of votes is so unbelievably archaic that one would rather ram a red hot poker into one’s shins and sit comfortably than go through the long lines, ill behaved and ill equipped staff, general lack of any possible electronic, technical or mechanical gadget that might ensure any faster processing of the voters. All in all, working in a Pakistani environment with our restrictions, not something people from outside the country can understand, but I can. And I forgive them. Mainly because of two reasons, one of the election officials was incredibly sexy and I stared at him to my heart’s content. And my political guide at the polling station was hitting on me blatantly, so I have his number and maybe political activities planned for later on.
I have done my part. Now, wait and see.
Madness
Wednesday – 22 Zilhaj 1428 – 13 Pausa 1929 – 02 January 2008
I do not refer to my unbelievably fickle nature with depression and sadness. Over the past couple of months I have been fighting very hard against my moods of depression. I would like to say that at any given time I am either a man of happiness and sunshine or of sadness and lamentation. And in that period of time I see only that particular taste of time till the end of time. Fickle I would agree. But, it adds tastes to life not expected by so many. And of course of the recently polled 149 friends, family, colleagues and acquantances 134 declared me absolutely insane and unpredictable, 10 said I wanted to seem different and hence overacted, and of course 5 wanted to go to the bathroom and said “To hell with your questions overly fat and irritating bitch, where the hell is the can???”. I rest my case.
The madness I refer to is what I see around me. My country, my society, my people, my land. I met with a very dear friend from Hyderabad. Yes, yes, I know, only people above fifty are allowed to use the word dear friend, but, fuck off, grow up, go kick yourselves in the nuts, I will do what I want to do. He was telling me about the absolutely insane violence that took place in his city. So did it happen in Karachi.
My cousins, who were in from the US forced me to take them out on the New Years Eve. I didnt want to go. I did. I saw everything. What had become of my city. The closed shops. The dark streets. The empty roads. I cried. I cried in the car. They asked me what it was. I stopped crying. They can not share in my pain. I needed someone who loved those streets as much as I did to be able to understand.
And here, I would like to share with you all something that went through my mind during a split second of the drive. I am walking across the India – Pakistan border. When they try to stop me I run across it and declare “I demand political asylum because I am an Agnostic and the country behind me is a Taliban / Warlord hellhole”. The Indians do not say anything. They look at me with understanding eyes and let me walk on. I cross the guards. I look back. I look at the gate on the border with the Crescent and the Star. I know that my country descended into chaos. Another Afghanistan, another Baghdad. I saw it happen. And as I looked back across the border, I felt the pain of loss. Loss of each element of my existence. The sum of my being defined by a symbol that had restricted my world to what I ended up learning to love so strongly. Ghazal singers and Sufi Rock. Dawn newspaper and tv channel. As these images go through my mind I start walking back towards the Pakistani border. Something pulling me back. Towards destruction. Towards oblivion. But, the ability to think and process and decide rationally had left me. There was only one thing. Pleasure and pain, and the knowledge of eternal pleasure in the company of what I know and accept. And as I walk towards the border I am torn into two, one who wants to grasp at the last dying embers of what I love and cherish and hold above everything in the world, and the other who has the knowledge that seeing the destruction of a part of this whole would finish me. Yet again, as in my personal life, I am torn between two paths that both lead to oblivious destruction, I can not choose, and I can not decide, they are both right and they are both wrong. Am I only trying to run away from the questions by forcing so sudden a decision? As I walk towards the border, I fall down. I break down. I start to cry. A sound comes out of my throat like the primeval cry of an animal in pain. I dont know where it is coming from. Maybe it is coming from Pakistan. Maybe. And the images flash at me with increasing intensity. Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan singing Pakistan Pakistan. The Azan of the Muazzin from my old home. I fall to the ground. Old late 80s PTV song / jingle that was played before the Khabarnama. I start to pull my body across the gravel towards the border. Jinnah Mausoleum along the MA Jinnah road covered in a soup of Rickshaw vomit. I know that I am going to die. Sunset from the Clifton beach on a winter afternoon. I know that I must cross the border before the inevitable. The large pothole on the road to my house due to which I had to drive on the wrong lane each and every day. I scrabble like a mad man on the gravel, making a lot of effort but little progress. The Kabab Fry from Burns Road. The Indian guards who had tried to stop me have just now let me be; they understand. Nayyara Noor singing Faiz Ahmed Faiz – خیر ہو تیری لیلائوں کی. I think my hand has hit the border; and now, I can finally die in peace. I turn over, on the border. Saadat Hasan Manto. Pakistan Paindabad. And all is peace forever.
پاکستان پائندہ باد
Trajedy
Thursday – 16 Zilhaj 1428 – 07 Pausa 1929 – 27 December 2007
Former Prime Minister of Pakistan, chirperson of the Pakistan Peoples Party and the mother of three children; Benazir Bhutto was assasinated in a suicide terrorist attack today in Rawalpindi’s Liaquat Bagh.
I was at work. Suddenly a very senior officer burst onto the floor, consulted with the two most senior officers on the floor and then started telling all staff to immediately pack up and leave the office. Took two minutes to sink in. Then there was nothing but fear and panic. People were on their phones but the networks of all cell phone companies were jammed. People rushed out of the building in a state of panic and confusion. I got in my car and headed for home.
The city was not right. Things were not as they are. There was too much traffic and there was an extremely palpable quantity of fear and panic. Chaos. Everyone in every car was worried, everyone had rushed out from work to head home, safety seemed elusive at the least, crazy traffic. And then I got home.
And then it sunk in. My country. My people. Me. What a loss. What a loss. I did not support Benazir but I think she was a great politician of Pakistan. What a loss.
Violence in Pakistan has gone out of hand. This is not us. We are not like this. This is not my Pakistan.
Emergency
Saturday – 21 Shawwal 1428 – 12 Kartika 1929 – 03 November 2007
State of Emergency has been declared in Pakistan on the orders of the Chief of Army Staff General Pervez Musharraf.
All news channels have been put offline throughout Pakistan. News is being disseminatd through state run PTV (Pakistan Television) news channels. Most probably to stop rumours from spreading by dissemination of news through multiple channels.
Chief of Army staff has constituted a Provisional Constitutional Order – PTV.
All elected assemblies will continue to hold their offices – PTV.
All current officials related to the service of Pakistan will continue to hold their offices – PTV.
Update 001 – This update is put into place just to state that CNN has done a horrible job of this news, first they put Martial law on their website and then they changed it. Horrible piece of journalism by CNN. Rumour mongering and not giving news. Idiots.
Trajedy
Friday – 06 Shawwal 1428 – 27 Asvina 1929 – 19 October 2007
Two powerful bomb blasts have hit the procession of Benazir Bhutto. More than 120 have died as I sit here and write this. With trembling hands and wet eyes. Such loss of life, again and again and again. And it gnaws at your very soul and sanity. Like waves weathering away the cliffs. Cliffs of resolve and honour and dignity and humanity. Senseless violence tearing apart the fabric of our very lives. One after another a trickle of news and violence in our great cities. Murder, destruction and mayhem.
خون کے دھبے دھلیں گے کتنی برساتوں کے بعد
Defence Day
Saturday – 08 Rajab 1424 – 15 Bhadra 1925 – 06 September 2003
the 6th of september was the day in 1965 that india and pakistan went to war. india crossed over the international border between pakistan and india at about 5 am on the night of 6th september and invaded pakistan. pakistan resisted the attack. well the war dragged on for some time. both sides declared a victory and got extrememly excited after the war was over. they still talk about how they whooped each other asses.
well to india. fuck you. you didnt get anything. you didnt get kashmir. you didnt get any of your objectives. how the hell can you call that a victory. if you dont get your fucking objectives you cant say you have won.
well to pakistan. fuck you. you didnt capture any indian territory of importance. you didnt get kashmir. you didnt manage to stop india. if you cant fucking get your objectives you cant say you have won.
to india and pakistan. FUCK YOU! you fucking morons. the people in your countries were in abject poverty during that time. things were worst then than they are now. HOW DARE YOU GO TO WAR !!! nations where people dont get their rights. where people have to sleep hungry and drink unclean water. where the basic necessities of life as defined at that time werent available. HOW DARE YOU GO TO WAR !!! SICK SICK SICK AND PERVERTED !!! damned idiotic politicians and military men. DAMN YOU !!!
the only thing that we hear about is how many planes were downed. who destroyed whos how many ships. etc etc etc. well noone ever talks about how many people died. indian and pakistani ? dont we fucking count. is this only a game for the fucked up hindu and muslim military personnel to butcher each other and us in the process ? is this how it happens.
why dont we count ? the citizens and the civilians. we do not want war. we want peace. we want to lead normal lives where there isnt a power cut or load shedding for abotu two hours a day. i want the roads to be built which are currently HORRIBLE in karachi. that is what i want. i dont want pakistan or india to fight wars and kill me. i want them to give me a life which i can lead as a human not an animal like we 1.3 billion humans do right now.
to india and pakistan and their desire to kill and maim us only so that they can hide their own political inadequecies. FUCK YOU ! give me clean water. give me continuous electricity. give me a job. give me a working civic system. give me a proper education. give me a clean environment. if you cant do that … which you havent been able to till now. FUCK YOU !
FUCK Government of Republic of India and Government of Islamic Republic of Pakistan
LONG LIVE PAKISTAN AND INDIA AND THEIR PEOPLE
it is about time the guns went down. and the elements of peace security and prosperity took over.
Long live the people of India Pakistan and Bangladesh.
Pakistan Paindabad … Jai Hind
South Asia Zindabad.
Non Violence
Tuesday – 20 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 28 Sravana 1925 – 19 August 2003
i am very anti violence. i oppose all forms and formats of violence. today was hell for me. two attacks on two different parts of the world. the un compound in iraq. a bus station in israel.
must we do this. must we kill each other like wild dogs in the african jungle. must we act like animals in our dealings with one another. snarling at each other till the other shuts up. or pouncing on them to end it once and for all.
i am completely and catagorically against the us led invasion and occupation of iraq. i am completely against the israeli occupation of palestinian territory. but i do not like to see innocent civilians killed. i might for once settle for the killing of military personnel. even that with the understanding that since are taking parts in wars they may die. but not otherwise. i will not agree with the killing of even one civilian.
it is sick and perverted how civilians get killed. i am sickened to see children being killed. in israel by both the israeli forces in the name of removing terrorist threats and by the palestinians in the name of jewish oppression. i am sick of how these two sides keep killing innocent people without any particular desire or try for peace.
i am sick and tired of pakistan and india barking at each other like dogs. our leaders havent even provided us with the basic necessities. clean drinking water and proper sanitation are a boon not the norm. and the governments have the audacity to talk about nuclear holocausts.
i just want an end to this. i want an end to terrorism by the palestinians and state sposored terrorism by the israelis. i want and end to the rantings and raving by the indians and pakistan. i want peace in cyprus, northern ireland, liberia, nigeria, algeria, aceh, assam, kashmir, solomon islands, bosnia, kosovo and chechnia. i want peace.
i hate bigots. i hate extremism. i hate murder. i hate rape. i hate arson. i hate hate. i want peace to flow like the wind and spread its message “gali gali chaman chaman” (street to street and garden to garden) i want us to stop killing and start to build. build. build. build.
agar hay jazba e tameer zinda … (if the will to build is alive …)
Sulking
Monday – 05 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 13 Sravana 1925 – 04 August 2003
i tought i was upset in the day. boy was i ever prepared for this. i am much more upset now. i asked my boss to let me off and ill work extra the next few days. he said ok. so i am here at home. sitting infront of the computer. sulking.
i dont know what to do. it is different for every person. it is different for every family. i am horrified at the thought that i might have to tell them that i am gay. i have an exact idea how they will react. and i have an exact idea how my exact idea is wrong.
i opened this page. but i dont know what to write. i dont know. it is so insane. i hate this moment.
and now for something uncommon to my blog, political thoughts. i am very very pissed at mr george bush. the defender of christendom against the attacks of the saracen hordes. first for attacking afghanistan without proof. then for attacking iraq without proof. then for threatening ever muslim country larger than rhode island. what the hell is the problem with the current kkk infested neo con us government. why the hell dont they focus on americas problems. fix your own country first. of course there are problems in america that hundreds of americans talk about. fix that first.
now i will leave. take a long long long bath. and go to sleep. good eveing. shab ba khair
Tuzk e Jalali 