Monday – 06 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 16 Asadh 1925 – 07 July 2003
well life is hard to live. i know i am very feminine generally. i just saw a video with me in it. and WHOA. things are bad. i dont know why i didnt understand this when i was being made fun off all my life. maybe there are things that you dont see. for example when you first hear your voice recorded. you ask. who the hell is that. and then you realize. that isnt me. then you are told by everyone else listening to the tape that that is exactly how you sound. hmmm. well maybe that is what happened on the video.
it isnt easy being so effeminate in pakistan. there is this whole concept of men and masculinity and all. very very hard to cope with it. well like i said i am shocked from yesterdays video. well personally living all my life in pakistan i personally am not easy with the fact that i am this feminine. to be honest. it seems like i am a freak. god. and i have major problems with it. these are things that i cannot share with anyone at all. but since i am on the net there is impersonality given to all of you reading this. maybe that is why i can write all this.
i went out with a couple of friends last night. the only thing i could do was keep quiet. try not to talk. try not to move. just try to stifle all those things that i saw in the video with horror. my voice. the way i talk. the way i move. the way i gesticulte. basically everything. it is hard trying to be someone you are not. well i am gay and i should be used to it. since i have to act as if i like women all my life. but this is different. very different. i have to take care of things consciously. i am used to acting straight due to my 22 years of practice. by the way i am 22, and single, and available, and looking.