Wednesday – 22 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 01 Sravana 1925 – 23 July 2003
well there are three important things in this post. a realization. an action. and a feeling leading to another realization.
last night i was chatting with someone. it suddenly hit me. i am 22. i am gay. i am a virgin. i dont have a boyfriend. i have never had one. i have never had sex or any sexual or semi-sexual relations with another man. then WHAM! there is something wrong. so now i am not only looking for the love of my life. i am also looking for someone to ravish me and make me a non virgin. but i have to make sure it is safe as well (why do i do this to myself !). but as always i my first priority is the love of my life.
i told you guys we are shifting. sifting through the stuff i found. i foung a picture of my dad at his academy. he is in the police and very much a policemen. well he was about 30 at that time. what shocked and scared me was that i was completely turned on by some of my dads entry mates. i felt like a complete pervert after that. i cant keep from getting attracted anyone on paper, on screen or in person. i have to sleep with someone to get this out of my system.
and yes finally i did something outrageous for me. it was my first time. it was the first time some guy from my relatives my age did it. something that would be considered extremely forward for a guy my age 10 years ago. something that would be considered simply unacceptable for a guy when my dad was my age. something that would be considered worthy of the death penalty for a guy in when my granddad was my age.
i had a facial.
yes. i had a facial. my suddenly realization that since i am gay. all the rules of pakistani manhood do not apply to me. since i will not dating women i do not have to be extremely masculine and scruffy enough to be confused with sandpaper. and it felt wonderful. my sister gave me the facial. she told me all about it. so now i can do it when she is not here. also she told me where all the stuff will be. so it is in my reach. ahhhhhhhhh ! the life.
also i am so so so so so pleased as i write this paragraph. i met a guy on mirc about a month ago. it was a wonderful chat. all nighter. i liked him VERY VERY much. and also he liked me VERY VERY much. then he got disconnected and i didnt hear from him since. a few emails we sent at first but then he was lost. i tried to find him but in vain. now at this very moment i am chatting with him. yey. and it turns out he was also missing me. yey! and he also kept logs that he read twice in the interval. twice. YEY! so i didnt give him the address to this blog.
i dont want him to find out all the inherant flaws in me. and realize how much i have fallen for him. so i will leave now and see how my chat developes. bye. and wish me luck.