Archive for September, 2003

Have not been posting for some time. The reason ca…

Have not been posting for some time. The reason can be seen from the following story.

Me, my cousin and a friend went for tea. We were sitting in the tea shop. Just ordered. My cousin had just lighted his cigarette. We had ordered three “doodh patti” (extra milky tea). Suddenly I saw there was someone standing right besides me. I looked up. There was a man standing there. The waiter who was passing by told us he needed money. We were confused.

He suddely started speaking. I usually avoid such encounters because generally people who beg arent worthy of the money and I dont want to say no. But this was no general case. My cousin suddenly something that caught my ears. I cant understand English to him. I looked up. The guy was looking at me and started talking in English. “I am a Mechanical Enigneer. I have been in the Army. I dont have a job. I have to feed a family”. Although heavily accented, but, grammatically correct English. I was shocked.

Only educated people know English in Pakistan. A mere 3 % of the most educated people can talk the way he did. I was shocked. Is Pakistan really gone to this level of poverty, destitution and social destruction. Has it come to this that people with a bachelors degree in engineering, not the liberal arts, engineering have to go begging for tea and a biscuit or a little money. I mean what is this coming to.

While he was asking for money he broke down and started sobbing. Every sob hit on my nerves like a hammer. Every sniff was an explosion in my thought. I have no idea how I sat there. I have no idea how i got the audacity to ask my cousin if I should give him money. I have no idea how I could have possibly sat there and been so cold and steely.

Well we gave him some money. Came back home. I was quiet in the tea house and on the way back home. The others didnt even stop for that. But as soon as we were home. There was a lot of merrymaking.

That is how we feel about this. Surrounded by abject poverty and destitution we have become used to it and do not even pay it heed for more than 15 minutes. But one thing is going on. For the last 2 days I have been hearing a poem written by faiz and sung by iqbal bano in my head.

Hum Dekhain Gay

Lazim Hay Keh Hum Bhi Dekhain Gay



Sab Taaj Uchalay Jaen Gay

Sab Takht Giraey Jaen Gay



Bas Naam Rahey Ga Allah Ka

Aur Raaj Karey Gi Khalq e Khuda

Jo Main Bhi Hoon Aur Tum Bhi Ho

We will see

Imperative that we will see



All the crowns will fall

All the thornes will fall



Only Allahs name will remain

All Allahs beings will rule

That I am and that you are

Let up hope and pray for the best.

Life goes on. Day by day. Month by month. Year by …

Life goes on. Day by day. Month by month. Year by year. Century by century. Millennium by millennium. People live people die. Feet walk the streets and are no more. Cities rise and cities fall. Civilization prosper and then become mere tribes. Time consumes all. Nothing is left. Save two things. Wonders for which manking toiled in the blistering sun and the freezing cold. Names of men great and tall who rise above the crowd.

Looking from an external and outside perspective. We are so so small. One Man does not matter. Neither does one villiage or city. Or for that matter nation or civilization. They are all transient details. What matters in the global movement. The global movement for excellence and perfection. The global movement of ideas, thought and ideals. The will to learn and the will to strive. That is what remains. All else is lost.

Makes me seem so small. Make my problems so petty and unimportant. The bigger picture. The real bigger picture. To think how Man developed from the wild tribes 7000 years ago to this level today. Within 7000 years we have found out how to split the atom and hence destroy ourselves. But we have also made the UNO to save us from that. We have made weapons but not books. It is time that man matured and acted as the real inhertor of the 7000 of history. It is about time all war ended.

WOW WOW WOW !!! Well I was chatting with the gu…

WOW WOW WOW !!!

Well I was chatting with the guy I told you all about. T. And OH MY GOD! He is very interested in Urban Planning. I am fascinated by the subject. What are the chances ? I mean come on.

Over the past two days I have chatted with him about. South Asian History, Architecture, Music, Society, Arts, Culture. And again OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD !!! I have completely fallen for him. He is interested in everything I am interested in.

I mean I cannot say how VERY uncommon it is. He is interested in South Asian Classical Music. He is interested in South Asian History. He is even VERY good in Urdu but his English is shaky. BUT OH MY GOD !!! He knows French. This is SO cool. So wish me luck. Please dear God dont let him read this.

Jalal over and out.

OH MY GOD !!! This blog presents the worst pict…

OH MY GOD !!!

This blog presents the worst picture of me. I want to make this clear. I always write in my blog when I am emotionally active. So it might seem that I am a VERY emotional guy. Which I am not. I am a normal guy. Only Allah knows what that is.

Well I have decided to handle the Mom/Gay thing with denials and acting straight. So wish me luck.

DAMN IT! horrible day today. had THE talk with …

DAMN IT!

horrible day today. had THE talk with my mom.

well she just told me to get of pc. when i started to whine she said NO come here now. so i went to talk to her.

she started with a why am i involved with such people. i had no idea what she was talking about. she told me that such people are there to destroy me. they are not my well wishers. they want to pull me onto a wrong path because i am a succesful person. i still didnt know what she was talking about. she kept going on and on about how people are trapped by such people and how they make sure to destroy succesful men. there was a deep deep sinking feeling inside me. i knew what was coming. then she told me i am an intelligent person no need to fall in traps. i still said i dont know what she is talking about. she said she saw me on the computer and she knows. i said know what. very very big sinking feeling. she said she knew i was being trapped by gay men and that i should stop doing this. i was like. no ammi there is nothing like that you must be mistaken. but no. she knew. she knows. she was extremely ill yesterday and today. i suspect only because of this. i dont know what to do. she knows.

i am a source of pain to my parents. nothing can be worse. in our culture in our society in our lives nothing can be worse than a child who is a cause of pain to his parents. i am a complete failure in life. a complete failure. i hurt my parents. i hurt my siblings. i hurt my family, my friends. everyone. i dont know what to do. i dont know. i am 23 now. and i have not done anything but hurt my parents. i dont know what to do. this is hurting me like hell.

i can only do one thing but pray. i will pray to allah that every man born gay in pakistan or who will become gay due to any reason should die at birth. no need to live like this. sometimes death is better than life. this is one of those times.

wish me luck. i am going to leave home and live away from my family. just anything that i can do to stop hurting them.

another story about my life. a little while ago i …

another story about my life. a little while ago i met this guy on mirc. well i liked him immediately. and we chatted a bit. then he told me he was str8. i said DAMNIT!

well we became friends. chat a lot even today. and today he asked me what i would rate him. i said 8/10. he was very happy. then he said why i never mentioned him on this blog. so here is a mention of him. his name is “sirus”.

so sirus are you happy now that i mentioned you ;)

also i think i should say this. 8 is VERY uncommon. and VERY high in the rating.

i VERY interesting thing i heard today. from an ol…

i VERY interesting thing i heard today. from an old school friend who i met online after a very long time. she told me that girls in school (10 grade) used to like me a lot. and shockingly i was considered a hottie (?????) well i have no idea where they got that from. in school i always thought of myself as a loser kinda guy. shy/feminine/horrible at sports. but i was a fun guy to be with. you know the people magnet. funny and excited and cool. so now i have no idea what to think. maybe i was cool. wow. that is interesting to find out.

i wont even begin to tell you guys what this did for my self esteem. also how much i want to lose weight and get in shape now.