Archive for January 19, 2004

26 Ziqad 1424 Be warned that I am in a bad mood…

26 Ziqad 1424

Be warned that I am in a bad mood. Do not read the post if you love yourself at all.

Life is a festering sore. It erupts and salt pours all over. I hate life and all that it contains for a period. Then I force myself to be happy and live a life. Force myself to live and enjoy this one life that we all get. Alone. Irritating. Sarcastic. Selfish. I dont know where this will all end. Since I was small I wanted to be able to please people. Maybe I knew that there is something wrong with me.

I never came first in a race. Actually, I was never good at anything that has to do with physical strength, agility or prowess. Never. And I always feel that. I am still horrified of playing games because I know I would be horrible at them. And I would obsess about that.

I was never good in studies. Never came first in any class. Never came first in any subject. Never excelled in studies. Not in High School. Not in College. I was always afraid of the smart kids who were good at studies and who would always beat me. I was never to excel in studies. I loved geography but I never scored in it.

What does that leave ? Hmmmmm. Not much. OH! Yes there they are. Good Looks. Well sorry to say but that is a lost cause.

So what did I learn actually. I learnt to be rude and mean and say the most horrible things to people and see them cringe. That gave me a satisfaction. That is my way of defeating people. Hitting below the belt and being happy that at least there is one field where I can excel. Unfortunatly it is not the right one. And the worst part is that I know it is the wrong one.

God I hate this.

I have realized that I am a horrible horrible person. It is horrible. I see myself behaving in the most horrible of ways to nice and decent humans and I feel sorry while I am in action. But I cannot stop. I just have to do something that I can do well.

I think I will stop now. This can go on for a while.