Archive for April 15, 2004

24 Safar 1425 I will never fall in love with so…

24 Safar 1425

I will never fall in love with someone who I know will not reciprocate. I will never fall in love with someone who I know will not reciprocate. I will never fall in love with someone who I know will not reciprocate.

I am sure you have realized what is going on. If you havent. What is going on is that I am an idiot who has somehow managed to fall in love with a man who will not reciprocate these feelings. I haven’t blogged about this yet but I am going to now and tell you the background of this whole flight or idiotic madness.

I met a guy on MSN about 4 months ago. He is a Pakistani living in Canada. Our net timings overlap and we chat 1-2 hours a day. After spending a lot of time with him, after sharing a million things, after talking about a million things, after having discussion over stupid non issues and after giving each other advice about a million things I have gotten quite close to him and he has become a part of my circle of friends.

Now, enter, the height of stupidity. I dont know when it started or how it kept proceeding but I started having feelings for him. I tried to stop them but they grew stronger still. I tried to leave them as they were and they didn’t end. I tried everything in the book and nothing happened. I just kept having stronger and stronger feelings for him. After a stretch of about 3 months it is not an infatuation or a crush it is something deeper. That is what I was afraid of.

We have talked a lot about many many different things. I know him a bit. I know I am not his type. I know that he said that he can not have a friend and lover as the same person many many times. I know that he likes a girl who he wants to marry. No; no; do not get me wrong. I am not that big an idiot. He is not straight. He is bisexual. And I have a suspicion that he is straight but is confused.

He knows he is not my type. He knows that I said I can’t fall for shorter guys. He knows that I meet up with other guys and talk to him about them. He knows that he is not what I might like in a guy. Hence he has no clue that I was falling for him because of all the things that I have been telling him.

So the situation became such that if I told him I liked him ‘that’ way he will have to say no and that would ruin our friendship. Something that I did not want to do. Despite my having feelings for him my friendship for him is very important to me. I do not want to lose a friend. So I was confused. I did not know what to do.

Here is where I start to mess things up. First I get some really bad news today. So I was slightly depressed. And he came online. Tried to cheer my up. We talked. Then I blurted out that I love him. I dont know what his exact reaction was except trying to tell me that he is not my type then how can I love him and that he has many bad qualities then how can I love him. I knew I should not have started to talk about this. I knew it. Now what do I do ?

That is where the damned internet went down and I am writing this and feeling angry at myself for being an idiot. Why can I not keep these things bottled up inside me. That has stopped me from getting hurt in the past. Why cant I do that now.