Archive for January, 2005

Monday — 20 Zilhaj 1425 — 11 Magha 1926 — 31 Ja…

Monday — 20 Zilhaj 1425 — 11 Magha 1926 — 31 January 2005

Terrible, Horrible, Horrible, Terrible day. Terrible. Simply disgusting. Horrible traffic. Terrible mood. And disgusting behaviour of my mother. Horrible, horrible, terrible day.

Sunday — 19 Zilhaj 1425 — 10 Magha 1926 — 30 Ja…

Sunday — 19 Zilhaj 1425 — 10 Magha 1926 — 30 January 2005

I was out with friends all day long. I got eight calls from home asking me when I will be back. I am moving out in a month or so. I really can’t take it any more.

There is one thing relating to human relations where I am very weak. It is relating to the concept of being friends with someone who does not like your company any more. I usually do not get the hints. I just keep thinking that the other person is in a bad mood or some other horrible concocted excuse. Yesterday, after repeated hints someone did indeed give me a good idea.

I am very happy to realize that for the first time in my life I got the hint. Maybe this means that I am growing up. Or maybe this means that my Disney / Fairtale version of friendship does not exist in the real world.

Saturday — 18 Zilhaj 1425 — 09 Magha 1926 — 29 …

Saturday — 18 Zilhaj 1425 — 09 Magha 1926 — 29 January 2005

Today was the worst traffic day of my life. Heavy traffic all over. Huge traffic jams all over. I have no idea how this happened today, or why this happened today. But it was completely unnatural for a Saturday.

And, to the civilians who were directing traffic at a broken traffic light, in the absence of traffic police, Tehseen! Tehseen! Tehseen!

Friday — 17 Zilhaj 1425 — 08 Magha 1926 — 28 Ja…

Friday — 17 Zilhaj 1425 — 08 Magha 1926 — 28 January 2005

I just need some opinions on a couple of things.

Just reply with a yes and no answer for the following questions.

Q1 – Is it ok to tell someone that they are average looking if they are as ugly as rotten dead pigs?

Q2 – Is it ok to get so angry at someone who breaks a red light and nearly hits you that you scream out at him/her?

Q3 – Is it ok to tell a guy that you are sleeping with his boyfriend or can you just tell him that his boyfriend is sleeping with “someone”?

Q4 – Is it ok to say “come to mamma”, lightly to yourself, when you see a very hot guy?

Q5 – Is it ok to not return a borrowed book as long as your own books are not returned?

Q6 – Is it ok to tell something that he / she is stupid and then make fun of them?

Q7 – Is it ok to cheat of your boyfriend as long as he does not find out about it?

Bruce and H are not allowed to read on.

Q8 – What do I do when two of my very good friends are together; I spend a lot of time with both of them; the only thing they talk about is each other; I end up accidentally telling them things told to me in confidence? What the hell do I do when I am in this situation?

Thursday — 16 Zilhaj 1425 — 07 Magha 1926 — 27 …

Thursday — 16 Zilhaj 1425 — 07 Magha 1926 — 27 January 2005

Let me share with you an epitome of my psychosis – abnormal bathroom mirror conversation number 5 of 2005.

After getting ready in the morning I looking like a model who is also a male stud. I was standing infront of the mirror admiring the beauty that I saw.

And then this happened.

Jalal – Dude, you are HOT!

Me – I beg your pardon!

Jalal – Dude, you are HOT!

Me – Man, you are one disgusting pig. Piglet. Piglet!

Jalal – You never did pay attention to me did you?

Me – We are not going to have this converstion Jalal.

Jalal – Why not? Why do you always push me away?

Me – Oh my God. Now listen, you one alternate personality freak show, I am not attracted to you. Get over it and leave me alone.

Jalal – See, this is typical of you, you always want to run away from me. I know this because I know that you try to run away from mr since you cannot keep your hands off of me.

Me – Oh my God. Grow the hell up and stop acting like a jerk. Lets do one thing, I will take you out so you can cruise guys.

Jalal – I do not want other men, I want you.

Me – Go to hell.

Jalal – I will not leave you.

Me – (This is the point where I fog the mirror and run away from Jalal.)

Jalal – Come back … come back … c o m ….

Me – Hahhahahahah ! Beat that freak again.

The scariest thing is that they are both me.

I need to go see a psychiatrist.

Wednesday — 15 Zilhaj 1425 — 06 Magha 1926 — 26…

Wednesday — 15 Zilhaj 1425 — 06 Magha 1926 — 26 January 2005

I decided last night that I will make a timeline of my day today. So I noted down the time of everything today, although these times are not completely correct, just slightly correct.

Here is a timeline of my day today.

0623 – Woke up to a horrible alarm that had been blaring on for 8 minutes.

0633 – Went for jogging in the street outside my house.

0652 – Came back home semi dead and extremely irritable with a very strong realization that I am so new to this that I can not jog at all.

0658 – Realized that I have a very upset stomach.

0742 – Had a very light breakfast of only two fried eggs and porridge.

0759 – Left home for the bus stop. Although I try to make it 0800 but I never succeed. I find it hard sitting and waiting for the clock to strike 0800 so I can leave home.

0849 – Reached my office.

0854 – Used my office bathroom. And yet again realized that I have a very upset stomach.

1043 – Had a cup of tea.

1316 – Used my office bathroom. And yet again realized that I have a very upset stomach.

1349 – Realized that the lunch I was eating was too overpriced for the taste of sewage that it was so completely like.

1533 – Was told by boss that I am an incompetent moron who can not write properly if his life depended on it.

1534 – Said very mean things about my boss to my inner self.

1553 – Was told by boss that he was being harsh and that I am a good worker.

1602 – Thought about how much fun it would be to be on the boss’s table in a compromising position.

1605 – Thought about how much fut it would be if R was with me on my table in a compromising position.

1606 – Missed R.

1642 – Used my office bathroom. And yet again realized that I have a very upset stomach.

1732 – Started to be left alone by others at work.

1845 – Decided not to wait till eight and leave early.

1854 – Got a bus very soon as compared to usual.

1912 – Got off the bus and ran to a nearby mosque to use the washroom. And yet again realized that I have a very upset stomach.

1922 – Paid the mosque guys Rs 10 for usage of the bathroom.

2027 – Reached home.

2048 – Din dins.

2125 – Went to the bathroom and yet again realized that I have a very upset stomach.

2132 – Blogging.

2150 – Sleep … hopefully.

0343 – Very upset stomach.

0355 – Blogging.

0359 – Realization of – why the hell am I blogging this.

100 point odyssey through my life. no particular o…

100 point odyssey through my life. no particular order. CAUTION : proceed at your own risk. Zilhaj 1425 / Magha 1926 / January 2005 Version.

001 – I am an idiot to think that any of you will like to read this list. But I am posting it all the same because, like I said, I am an idiot.

002 – I like old nostalgic songs on TV.

003 – I like to listen to South Asian Classical Music.

004 – My friends and friendships are very important for me.

005 – My favourite chemical is Testosterone.

006 – I like the sound of Azaan for Maghrib because of the strange mixture of feelings that it evokes.

007 – My fake sex buddy is Pakisani model Abdu.

008 – I like to listen to Ghazals and Mehdi Hassan is my all time favourite.

009 – I have been jogging since the last 2 months. And I am seeing some positive changes.

010 – I have only gone with three people on what might be called dates. But we agreed that they are not dates. We decided they were “meeting things”. If you think this was lame. You are in for a ride.

011 – The college majors that I wanted to do at some time in my life included Architecture, History, Political Science and Urdu.

012 – I once hid under a bed in my nani’s (maternal grandmothers) house and fell asleep. It took people about 5-6 hours to find me. Then I was spanked like hell. I never sleep in hidden places since. Also because I am slightly edgy of the dark when I am alone.

013 – My favourite character on the TV serial Friends is Chandler, Frasier is Niels, Everybody Loves Raymond is Deborah, 3rd rock from the sun is Sally, Becker is Becker, Star Trek TNG is Commander Troy, Star Trek Original is Spock and Star Trek Enterprise is Tripp.

014 – I dislike and oppose violence and war.

015 – I like pictures of beaches in Latin American countries.

016 – For me the biggest turn on is a ‘man’ (masculine, rough and wild).

017 – For me the biggest turn off is if someone cannot talk properly in Urdu or English.

018 – I dislike if someone uses wrong grammar and/or pronunciation in Urdu or English.

019 – My MBTI personality type came out to be ENT and 5050 for P and J.

020 – On my first gay party. I ended up kissing four guys. The first one for 50 minutes. And I did not have one drop of alcohol.

021 – I am very attracted to policemen. Specially uniformed policemen. Also there is an interest in people from the Teaching profession.

022 – I can understand written French, Farsi and Arabi crudely.

023 – I like to watch satellite images and aerial images of the earth and different parts of it (yes you are right. I am a big big BIG freak).

023 – Humour I like – Satire or Wit? Satire.

025 – My favourite modern time and place combinations. Paris under the Sun King. Dehli under Shah Jahan. Vienna at the time of Mozart. London under Queen Victoria. Paris 1938. New York now. Karachi now.

026 – My favourite English TV shows are Friends, Everybody loves Raymond, Frasier, Drew Carey show, 3rd rock from the sun, Star Trek (The Next Generation, Original, Enterprise) and Becker.

027 – When I went to the US I used to sit besides a lake a lot. The lake and its beaches were private property but noone lived on this side of the lake. I used to go in because I wouldnt be intruding on anyone. I was caught trespassing by a cop. I have this thing about cops and I had this huge thing about him at that time since he was very muscular and all. To save myself from trouble I had to act as if I cant speak English at all. He bought it and he checked my passport and let me go. Of course I couldnt ask him out. I am such an idiot.

028 – My favourite job would be one where I get to live in many different cities and countries all over the world.

029 – I am currently working as a journalist in a newspaper. I write some of those inconsequential reports on the inner pages which are corrected by my seniors. I also look for possible news items which get promptly rejected by my superiors.

030 – I dislike bigotry and intolerance (by the way I am told that I am a bigot and intolerant).

031 – Mehdi Hasan is my all time favourite composer, musician and singer. He has the best voice of all humans that sing in my opinion. (He is capable of giving me an orgasm just by his music).

032 – My fake boyfriend is Josh Lucas.

033 – My birthday is on the 15th of September (I wonder why they dont call it the Ides of September).

034 – My Ethnic background is South Asian sub group Pakistani sub group Urdu Speaking sub group UPite sub group Yousufzai Pathan .

035 – I can not accept or deal with someone being angry with me. It is a major weakness.

036 – I like the following comics Bizarro, Baby Blues, Wizard of Id, Rose is Rose, The Gambols.

037 – My favourite foods include Haleem, Biryani, Paay, Pulao and Nihari and well I think I should stop or I will keep going on and on and on and on (You get the idea).

038 – I am horribly afraid of meeting up with guys. Specially those I meet over the internet. I have no idea why.

039 – I have been doused in water 4 times in restauraunts by women. Women dont like my male chauvinist pig attitude. Frankly. I dont have one.

040 – At times I make strange jokes and laugh at them all by myself and stare around awkwardly at everyone else who is looking at me because of the joke and the ensuing hysterics.

041 – I am interested in history, movies, literature, music, art, news and politics (NO I am not dull in real life, also, I consider these interests a plus in the man of my choice)

042 – I prefer fruit juices over water. Water over milk. Milk over coke(read carbonated drinks). Coke(read carbonated drinks) over nothing.

043 – Once there was a cold rainy day. I had to go to my room in my university and I got wet due to the rain. when I reached the dorm the door was locked. I couldnt find my key. I needed to piss like hell. I tried to find a loo for half an hour. I was desperate. I was in immense pain and I didnt know what to do. Suddenly. I let all those muscles and ducts and everything free. I stopped trying to stop it. And the moment I let go was the most relaxing moment of my life. It was a sudden relief of an immense magnitude. Although I agree it was the most disgusting thing anyone had ever blogged about. But it was the most relaxing moment ever (For those of you who might stop loving me after this please dont. This was a once in a life time thing. It will never happen again.)

044 – I have a Bachelors in Computer Engineering. Which by the way is a subject that I hated and that I still hate with a vehemence very uncommon to humans.

045 – I am 6 ft tall or about 184 cms tall.

046 – My first date was one of those wonderful and perfect dates. It was with T. At the end of the date there is nothing that I say was missing or should have been there. I dont think I will be able to go on a better date again. Ever.

047 – My Favourite musicians/composers are Mehdi Hasan, Ravi Shanker, Bare Ghulam Ali, Amir Khusrau, Eric Clapton, Beethoven, Tchaikovski.

048 – I dislike wearing suits and ties and other formal clothing as a matter of routine.

049 – Of the seven sins my favourite is lust. There is no least favourite. I love them all.

050 – Favourite ancient time and place combinations. Memphis under Khufu, Mohenjodaro 2000bc, Persepolis under Xerxes, Athens under Pericles and Rome under Julius Caesar. Needless to say I would love to go any of them and I fantasize a lot about them.

051 – I am a virgin (no it is not a lie! I am a virgin! I didnt find the right person yet thats why)(And, YOU! In the back benches. Don’t you dare call me lame again).

052 – A bit of unsolicited advise I give everyone. If you are a guy. Do not wear Pink shoes to work.

053 – Shortcomings in someone. Nagging or Stupidity? Stupidity.

054 – I prefer an open relationship where I am allowed to do stuff with anyone anytime. But my evil boyfriend R thinks otherwise. He does not want to see my happy.

055 – Sometimes when you are sitting with friends and someone cracks a very good joke someone on the table might spew all the drink out in a geyser. I once cracked a joke that was so funny that two people sitting opposite each other did it at the same time. Giving me a view of two geysers going in opposite directions at the same time. So I am 1 of 9 humans to have seen something like that in the last 10 years.

056 – Sports that I play include Swimming, Cricket and Horse riding. The only one that I really enjoy is swimming.

057 – I dislike narrow minded people.

058 – Some of the Urdu writers that I like are Saadat Hasan Manto, Ahmed Nadeem Qasmi, Ibn e Insha and Bano Qudsia.

059 – My favourie type of cars are large trucks that can beat any other car on the road. You know, the whole my car is bigger and badder than your car scenario.

060 – I once had a chance to get either my or my best friends grade improved in college. I got his grade improved. Never told him (putting this on my blog is a cheap shot, but I am sorry, I have an uncontrollable urge to please people).

061 – Likes in others. Beauty or Brains? Both.

062 – I have two blogs. One for the gay blasphemous man that I am in English. One for the gay blasphemous man that I am in Urdu.

063 – I once spent a whole day in my university to find at the end of the day that my jeans were ripped at an awkward location. And I was going commando that day. Suffice to say that noone ever jokingly called me a girl in college after that day. Even if I said that I like romantic comedies and want to have manicures and pedicures and facials for the rest of my life. Believe me I once said that just to check. I wasnt called a girl. I was called a metrosexual.

064 – Some of the Urdu poets that I like are Mir, Ghalib, Momin, Faiz.

065 – My favourite weather is overcast with slightly darkish clouds (kaali ghata), a mild breeze, light rain (more like a drizzle)(Phoaar) and sunlight breaking through the clouds far away.

066 – I dislike fanatics and fundamentalists(although I am a fanatic).

067 – I love watching statisics and facts and figures. I love stock quotes and other figures and statistics that keep changing with time. I can watch them for LONG LONG intervals of time … like 2-3 hours without even getting a hint of being bored (Light background noise … tweek tweek tweek(reminiscent of “Psycho”)).

068 – My favourite times of the day are dawn(early morning) and dusk(late evening).

069 – I think honour is more important than money.

070 – I am currently living with my family (like all normal pakistanis).

071 – My zodiac sign is Virgo. I dont believe in astrology.

072 – I once got up at 4 am just to help my friend finish a project while he went to sleep till 8am. No, no, He paid me for it.

073 – I once screamed like a girl during an earthquake. After the quake made fun of another friend and his girlish scream which in fact was mine. He said it was me. Sortof my word against his. Everyone still thinks that other guy was the one who screamed (I know I am a devil and I am EVIL)(Hey watcha doin there Mephisto Bud).

074 – I was born in Karachi. I live in Karachi currently.

075 – Favourite medieval time and place combinations. Venice in its glory. Dehli in the time of Amir Khusrau. Samarkand under Amir Taimur. Cordova in 1000ad. Baghdad under Harun ur Rasheed.

076 – My current dating status is that I am having an over the net relationship with R.

077 – I like the smell of burning incense.

078 – I dislike the political right … or the religious right for that matter.

079 – Some of the English(or translated into English) books that I liked very much Les Miserables, Passage to India, War and Peace, The god of small things, Lord of the flies, India wins freedom.

080 – There is no number 80 because there are two number 23s. And I thought you were paying attention.

081 – My fake girlfriend is Catherina Zeta Jones.

082 – Sometimes, I say poetry in Urdu(sometimes)(but not lately).

083 – Unlike most men I got my penis stuck in the zipper only once in my life. I was 9 at that time. It wasnt that bad and I was saved a lot of problems. But it was a horrible experience all the same. I always take care while zipping up.

084 – Favourite urdu TV dramas Waris, Tanhaaiyan, Aangan Terha, Chaand Girehn.

085 – I like the smell when the first drops of rain fall on the dry ground (soondhi soondhi mitti ki khushboo).

086 – A girl once asked me to marry her. We didnt know each other well at that time. Actually we had just spent less than three hours with each other all our lives. I fell down and died. I later learned that she says that often. She uses it instead of fuck off. Whew thank God.

087 – College majors that I now wish I had taken when I was in college International Relations, Political Science, Sociology, South Asian Classical Music, History or Architecture.

088 – I prefer to use English dates (ddmmyy) rather than American dates(mmddyy). Otherwise I prefer to use my own system of (yyyymmdd).

089 – I was buying something from a convenience store once. When I went to the payment counter there was another guy there. I was about 17 he was about 25. He was SO SO SO hot. Well as I walked upto him he looked at me. I accidentally said ‘wow!’ while looking at him. I said ‘wow!’ while looking at him. He got flustered and left. I never forgot I said ‘wow!’. I am such an idiot. I will never get laid.

090 – Like most Pakistani men I have been hit in the groin while batting in Cricket. Well we were playing with a hard ball. And I was wearing a guard that is why I managed to live. The bowler was a super fast bowler. It was one of the most painful moments of my life. But thank god little Jalal and the twins are fine.

091 – I love these urdu movies Anand and one whose name I forget but it was about the Rajhastani women who defend their fort.

092 – I would rate money after honour, integrity, honesty, relationships, family, friends and education.

093 – I love good music. Music is a very important part of my life. I havent gone a full day without specifically listening to my music for a long time.

094 – The following story is about a one time thing. So do not hate me, for I have changed. Once when I was in college I decided to do a fortnight computer games marathon. I stocked up on food and put it on the computer table. Then for 14 days. I did not do anything except eat and sleep and play computer games. I did not take a bath for 14 days. Yeah. 14 days. But it was a fun as hell fortnight and I got cleaned afterwards.

095 – Once my best friend had to hold a whole sports event. So I helped him for five days in planning and implementing everything in that plan. I didnt sleep more than 3 hours on any one of those days. Then on the last day I fucked up and forgot to go get the guests. No event that year. Sorry man. I said I am sorry.

096 – Urdu is my first language. Although I am as comfortable in English as well. I think in both of them. I wish I knew how to speak French and Farsi(Persian).

097 – My favourite international cities to live in would be Paris, New York, Istanbul, Cairo, Rome and Rio de Janeiro in that order.

098 – Some English movies that I liked very much Amadeus, Shakespeare in love, Contact, An ideal husband, Gone with the wind, Star trek(all of them), Legends of the fall, Gandhi, Jinnah, The courtesan.

099 – I really really dislike spam and spammers and people who think that they can send me emails and probably through some freak accident make me straight again.

100 – If you just read through the whole list you are even more bored than I was while I wrote it. You also need a life. Maybe less than me but all the same. Or maybe you are interested in me. In which case the purpose of this list is fulfilled and you can drop me a line. Just by saying that I realized that … Oh my good! I really need a life.

Tuesday — 14 Zilhaj 1425 — 05 Magha 1926 — 25 J…

Tuesday — 14 Zilhaj 1425 — 05 Magha 1926 — 25 January 2005

On Sunday I promised myself I will never ever smoke again. I smoked two fags today. No, not those; cigarettes, two cigarettes.

I realized today that I am an evil, manipulative man who uses emotional blackmail to get his way.

Damnit! I am turning into my mother.

Monday — 13 Zilhaj 1425 — 04 Magha 1926 — 24 Ja…

Monday — 13 Zilhaj 1425 — 04 Magha 1926 — 24 January 2005Today, I suddenly realized that if I have to stop looking like a horror story from shampoo commercials I should get my hair cut. Because currently my hair are so unkempt that they are curling up in undecided and unpredictable ways. Makes me seem very very untidy. Although the dirty look suits me but it does not suit my job. So I have to stop that and even if I dont want to seem more human than a pig I have to get a haircut.So I went today, and it being Monday all the hairdressers are closed today.

Fate is planning against me.

Talking about hairdressers I have a very interesting hairdresser story. Once I went with a friend to get his hair cut. He got his hair done and I looked at men’s fashion magazines. After he was done we started moving towards the door. The owner of the shop stopped us. He then asked me if I wanted a haircut. I told him I did not. He told me that I should consider it. I get slightly irritated and I told him I had no money. He then begged me to get it for free because he does not want anyone to see me leaving the shop looking like what I looked like at that time. I eventually agreed.

I have no idea if I should feel good or bad about the whole scenario.

Sunday — 12 Zilhaj 1425 — 03 Magha 1926 — 23 Ja…

Sunday — 12 Zilhaj 1425 — 03 Magha 1926 — 23 January 2005

I have been smoking cigarettes for about two years now. I smoke very irregularly. With long breaks equal to months and with short breaks equal to minutes. I am not used to it and I am not addicted to it. That is exactly why I get a very strong buzz.

My smoking buzz is so strong that I cannot walk without flailing about dangerously. And if I have to kneel I would definitely roll over. Sometimes I cannot feel my hands and I have a severe tickling sensation on my body. Suffice to say that smoking to me is like drugs to others.

Today I had the first craving for a cigarette.

I quit smoking today.