Sunday — 03 Muharram 1426 — 24 Magha 1926 — 13 February 2005
Tonight I will tell you a story. It is a story that has played itself out many times in my life. It always starts in the same way. It runs along the same paths. It comes to the same conclusions. So let me tell you what I am talking about. This is a post where I am opening up somewhat and that is because I am in an extremely dark mood nowadays.
I come in contact with someone I like. This does not happen to me often. Most of the people that I meet I do not pursue. I let nature decide how it will turn things out for us. If they become my friends good. If not, ok, was not meant to be. I move on. But there is a very small number of people who I want to get to know better, I want to pursue them and I do not want nature to take control. I want to make sure that things go somewhere. These are those people who I want to be a part of my life.
This is where I start to fuck things up. There is a certain limit of time and company that you can spend with someone who you do not know all that well. I always overdo it. I always overthink. I always overthink. If I dont do this they will consider my rude. If I dont do this that will happen. And once I start to overthink I start to fuck things up. I usually end up forcing my company upon others. I end up forcing people who I have met online into meeting me. I end up forcing people into having dinners together. I end up forcing them to bear with me when I hang out with them.
I know, you know, we all know where I go wrong. But I cannot change myself. I hate that. This lack of control on myself even when I desire to change.
The end is always the same. People who I have hounded start to avoid me. They stop calling me or contacting me. It has happened to me with each and every guy who I have wanted to spend more time with that I should have. Each and every guy. And the end is always the same. I am sitting in my room listening to sad, slow, melancholy songs thinking about what is wrong with me and why does this happen to me each and every time.
Unfortunately something like this happened to me just now. And that is what has sent me into a spiral of depression. I am sorry to have burdened all of you with this but the only place where I can actually place all of my psychosis is on my blog or my shrink and since I dont have a shrink. It is my blog that sees all this.
Oh and yes, the songs that I have been posting all day long are the ones that I listen to when I feel like this. Strangely there is no relation between my condition and the lyrics. Somehow the feeling that I get from the music is exactly what I feel. So, in effect, things are very fucked up. And I have no idea what to do. Yet again.
Maybe the worst thing about this situation is that I can not blame anyone else for it. I am myself to blame for making the mistakes that I make. I can not shift blame. That is so hard.