Archive for February 14, 2005

I don’t have anyone to talk to. Noone. I need to t…

I don’t have anyone to talk to. Noone. I need to talk to someone who knows me and knows that I am gay and who knows how I have been.

My friends from college who know me are not with me here in Karachi and they are all very busy so I can not talk to them.

My gay friends from Karachi are also very busy and they dont know me that well and hence I cannot talk to them.

The guys from my neighbourhood are from a different world and I cannot understand them nor they me.

I cannot talk to anyone in my family since they are all slightly conservative and would get completely freaked out.

My college friends that are in Karachi know me but our relationship just is not in the condition where I can tell them that I am gay. I am too sick and tired of coming out to people. I do not want to do it any more. And I will not.

I do not have anyone to talk to. Anyone at all. I am sure that this blog has helped me a lot. But I need someone to talk to about this. I dont know what I am going to do. But the last couple of days have been very hard. Very hard. I dont know what to do. I cant seem to get anyone to talk to.

I dont know what I will do. I just dont know how to let it all out. I just dont know. Very fucked up. Very very fucked up. I have no idea why I am feeling this way. I havent felt this fucked up in a very very long time.

Fucked up and noone to talk to. The height of being a loser.

As of this moment I am never going to be there for anyone else if it in any fucking way inconveniences me anyway. People are just mean and evil and self centered, why the hell should I ever give up anything when I know for sure than people wouldnt even give me pity if I were dying on the side of a street.

I am such an idiot.

Ohk, it is final, I am a loser. I have asked each…

Ohk, it is final, I am a loser.

I have asked each and every one of my gay friends to find me someone, to hook me up or to introduce me to some other eligible gay men.

Of all of my friends, two have told me to find them guys since they dont know people in Karachi. Two have over the past month or so ‘turned’ straight and are ready to find me girls but not guys. Although they both know millions of guys and are sleeping with them. The last one just told me ten mintues ago that to find I should ‘look around’. Basically he is not going to do anything.

It is official. Each and every one of my gay friends have told me that they will not, not can not, will not, find me guys. Even if they did not say this is words they at least meant that.

Fuck it.

Monday — 04 Muharram 1426 — 25 Magha 1926 — 14 …

Monday — 04 Muharram 1426 — 25 Magha 1926 — 14 February 2005

Ok. I got up today. Spent the whole day as I usually do. Talking animatedly to myself in different accents while driving. Chirping around like one of those more obnoxious brids who seem too happy. Finding faults with people and nagging and criticizing till my breath departs me. You know, the usual.

Then I read yesterdays post. And I have to say I am sorry about that. I had no idea I was feeling that strongly at that time. So now I know. At least this blog is helping me understand myself in some way.

Oh, and yes, today I did something I love doing on the road. There was this car with a group of guys. The car was made to race and show off. So when I came besides them I sped up to tease them. And understandably he matched my speed. Soon I had started to race with him. Now, something happened that can only happen in dreams, and mind you I have very very strange dreams. No! Sicko! We didnt have hot sweaty sex in a grouped up ball besides the road. When happened was that we stopped at the traffic light.

I started revving up … roooom … rooooom … WROOOOOMMMMMMMM. And understandably he did the same. Until we were both revving up our engines waiting for the green light to come on so we can prove ourselves.

When the light became green he shot ahead at an incredible speed accompanied by incredibly loud engine noise. I just moved at the normal pace of the traffic with me. He realized a few seconds later what had happened and decided to call off the race.

I love being an evil evil evil man.

Or, maybe, I am depressed because I am a fucking l…

Or, maybe, I am depressed because I am a fucking loser.