Wednesday — 12 Safar 1426 — 02 Caitra 1927 — 23 March 2005
You. Yes you, you know who you are. Since this post is about you and last night. You are not allowed to read this post.
It started at 2336 on the 20th of March 2005. Knowledge dawned of a feeling that has dwindled with time and absence, like the dying embers of fire all but consumed, but still smouldering strongly from inside. The struggle between inhibitions and eagerness started. Stronger and stronger. Argument and counter argument. Decisions had to be made and roads had to be selected. Inhibitions were suppressed by eagerness.
I met him at 2257 on the 22nd of March 2005. I felt unsafe, alone in a different part of a city meeting someone I did not know. I felt vulnerable meeting someone who might not like me. I felt apprehensive of meeting someone I might not like. A million thoughts and feeling were going through my mind as I was waiting for him. A feeling was there that something was different this time. A feeling was there that something I did not expect was upon me.
It was an amazing night. Unexpected feelings emerged. Feelings that I did not even know I was capable of. Thoughts that I could not have every expected to carry. Emotions that I could not control or bay. It was like an explosion that I was not ready to cater to. I could not ever have expected that all this could happen. I did not. I could not have.
Too short a night. Too short an evening. Too fleeting an experience. Sitting there. Not saying goodbye and not wanting to say goodbye. Open door, waiting for an exit. Sitting there. No requests to stay from my side. Mistake being felt every moment. Wanting to. But loosing the capability. Sitting there. The exit was delayed, probably in expectation of protests, as should have been. There were no protests. He left.
Retrned in a daze. Complete daze. No knowledge of what is what was and what will be. Only of one night. Nothing else. The past in lost. The future unknown. The present was all that mattered. The wondeful summer nighttime breeze in Karachi. The noise of distant traffic moving about the city. The smell of the city at night. The present was all that mattered. Feeling him sitting next to me. Thinking about him and what he was saying. Looking at him and knowing him. The present was all the mattered. Time stood arrested. I was where I was.
When I was heading back to my place I realized that all of a sudden I have everything. All that was missing and that I wanted to find, I found all of a sudden. As I sit here; I am complete.