Archive for January, 2006

Friday – 19 Zilhaj 1426 – 30 Pausa 1927 – 20 January 2006

Even if I am capable of giving multiple orgasms to the furniture just by sitting on it does not mean that I am without a soul. Being a physical being full of lust for flesh does not mean that I lack a healthy intellectual and spiritual hunger.

But, then again, maybe it does.

What do you think?

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Friday – 12 Zilhaj 1426 – 23 Pausa 1927 – 13 January 2006

There comes a time in the life of every man when he thinks. He thinks about what he is and what he wants to be. What he aspires to be. What he desires to be. I have never had such a time. Before today that is.

Me and SAR picked up a friend at his office. On our way down we decided to take the electric elevator and save ourselves the pain it had caused us to climb flights upon flights of stairs to the fifth floor. Half of us, all three of the three that is, inside the electric elevator we chanced upon incriminating evidence that the electric elevator was indeed ascending. We decided to weather the storm anyways.

As soon as the elevator closed SAR had a sudden attack of childish prank psychosis and pulled my shirt outside my pants in one clear cut movement of adroit well suited for moronicities hands.

Not having developed mentally and still being completely devoid of any sense of proper behaviour I decided that one ill turn deserves another. As soon as I reached for his shirt he was on the floor, in an electric elevator, screaming at the top of his lungs like a rather drunken pig asking for milk. Suddenly there was a ping; the electric elevator doors opened; two people stared at two grown men screaming at the top of their lunds curled up in the corner of an electric elevator; two grown men snap to a completely military attention state within five microseconds.

To top all this off the spectators did not have the necessary decency to say excuse me and not board the electric elevator. They did board the electric elevator. Then they spend ten floors of two grown men laughing hysterically and falling to the floor in the middle of their over excited hysterics with long threads of spit dangling from their mouths as they scrambled for breath in the middle of their over exaggerated fits of hysterics.

That made me think. Should I sober up? Should I behave myself like an adult human? Should I stop pulling people’s shirts out of their pants? Should I indeed say goodbye to my childhood? Should I change?

Then I told myself to “shut the hell up bitch”. And I decided to live life as is.

Wednesday – 10 Zilhaj 1426 – 21 Pausa 1927 – 11 January 2006

عید مبارک


Eid Mubarak all of you. May Allah shower you and your families with his blessings. May you all enjoy this Eid with all the derivatives that come with it. And may you have the love of your loved ones to make this day a wonderful occasion.

Oh and yes, it is indeed a wonderful holiday when every earning member of society has to slaughter an animal as a mark of sacrifice and donate a large portion of it to the poor.

It is indeed a wonderful feeling to catch a Goat by his horns, push it down to the ground, put your knee on it’s neck to keep the Goat down, take a sharp blade in your hand, cut the Goat’s throat, feel the warm blood spurt out of the animal’s jugular vein and onto your hands. And then one simply cuts, bleeds, skins and cleans the animal with his bare hands. Yet another wonderful experience in the mundane lives of disturbed Pakistani men.

Thank be to Allah that we just give money to the Edhi foundation and I dont have to cut up an animal in the manner just described. That would be horrifying.

Oh, and yes, what is up with all the fresh oily smell of meat slaughtered today and eaten on the same day. I mean, it does smell quite fresh, and disgusting.

Monday – 08 Zilhaj 1426 – 19 Pausa 1927 – 09 January 2006

It is always nice to meet up with old friends. Especially from high school. Since that is the time when one has a crush on every moving object. Along with being finally at an age where one can bond with another human being, with a certain amount of mental presence. And then again you are meeting people after eight years and one wants to catch up with all the mundane, useless details of what has been going on in our lives. Including how some people’s lives turn out to be long drawn out boring episodes in the general state of human apathy.

The interesting thing is how you notice that people don’t really change. It is interesting learning about how the over sexed, cute, educationally deficient, brain dead, light of the party guys who kept bullying you all through high school turn out. They are still the same, just that in real life they don’t succeed so much. It is also interesting to learn how the over sexed, cute, educationally capable, intelligent, boring guys who were your friends turn out. They are still the same, just that in real life they do succeed so much. Yet another sweeping statement from the desk of Mr. Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan. All the psychological, sociological, interpersonal relationship snippets aside. One does get to learn about the many different paths that every life takes.

And then again, one does get some familiar eye candy to stare at in dark sheesha smoke filled coffee shops. Always a good thing.

Wednesday – 03 Zilhaj 1426 – 14 Pausa 1927 – 04 January 2006

Ok, it is official, I am fat.

Until now I though of myself as a pscyhotic sarcastic carnivorous homosexual slut.

But, now, I think I have turned into a pscyhotic sarcastic fat carnivorous homosexual slut.

Oh, and yes, I think, I am thinking of actually talking to my parents and telling them to find me a nice girl so I can get engaged.

What is wrong with me? Am, I crazy?

Jalal – Shhhhh, Jalal, no, no, you are not crazy, you are normal. You are completely normal.

Good God!

Tuesday – 02 Zilhaj 1426 – 13 Pausa 1927 – 03 January 2006

So, life is very interesting nowdays. For two reasons.

One of my very close friends just got engaged in quite a hurry. He comes up to me one day and tells me that his parents are saying that he needs to get engaged very soon. Two days later he tells me that his parents have chosen a girl. Two days later he went with his family to the girl’s house to ask for her hand in marriage. And now he is getting engaged two weeks from now. All this within three weeks. Three weeks. Three weeks! THREE WEEKS!!!!!

Jalal – story now, hysterical attack of over pronunciation and syllable elongation later.

Another one of my very close friends comes up to me three days ago and tells me that his father has given him a choice of two girls to choose from and he is going to get engaged to her in two weeks. He calls me up four hours later to tell me that one of the girls has gotten engaged to someone else in the last four hours – there is no choice now. He does not like the girl. So we spent two hours today (I dont have too much time on my hands, this is a very important issue, at least for him) on discussing different ways in which he can get his father to agree that this is not the right match for him. Inclusive of, tampering with his medical testing results by bribing hospital staff with the promise of a better financial prospects. And, telling the girl – who, by the way, has a crush on him – that it will not work out and they should pressurize their respective families to call it off. If any of you shining lights of mental capacity has an answer, don’t give it to me, we have already come up with all the possible solutions. And they dont work.

Will Jalal’s unlucky moron friend get engaged to the girl that he does not like? Will Jalal’s normal friend find a good piece of attire for his engagement? Will Jalal ever try to grow the hell up and stop posting like a brain dead teenage schoolgirl? We will be back, same Bat time, same Bat channel. Batman is a stupid bitch – period.

Sunday – 29 Ziqaad 1426 – 11 Pausa 1927 – 01 January 2006

To usher in the new year of the third calendar system in my post titles,

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I’ll be mine,
And we’ll tak a cup o kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou’d the gowans fine,
But we’ve wander’d monie a weary fit,
Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie’s a hand o thine,
And we’ll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang syne