Death

Friday – 15 Ramazan 1428 – 06 Asvina 1929 – 28 September 2007

Though it is not how we view things. But, we are the decisions that we make. Over a period of time, we become what we have done. There are times when desicions are made knowing the path and lead us towards our goal as we understand it. And then there are times when, oblivious to and maybe even apathetic to the direction we are moving in, we take decisions that alter our lives and us. The worst is when of our own free will and an absolute lack of coercion we make a decision that will lead us farther away from our goal and our life as we want it.

I have had to take such a decision recently. I opted for the third choice.

My engagement recently was a result of such a decision. For the past six years I have known that I could never lead the life of my choice. No one forced me. It was just how things are. My father would have considered it a complete loss of face to have an only son who is gay. My mother would have felt that I have been led astray and will ruin my life. Two people I care a lot about would have had the rest of their lives devastated. And I could not have accepted it because it would haunt me that I am the reason for their pain. So, the only way for me to go was to die. Not physically. Just that Jalal is becoming a separate person from me.

My blog is a place where I am who I really am. But, in my life, I am a completely different person. I used to joke about having multiple personality disorder. But, in a way it is true. The stigma attached to homosexuality does lead to people leading multiple lives. Usually they are two different lives. For me there is an online life through this blog and a community of people I interact with, and then there is the physical life of work and home and people I know through that. At an earlier point in time Jalal and myself had a lot in common. The difference between the two lives was not so acute. But, with the engagement, and with the expectations, and with the prying eyes of my family. I feel as if Jalal and myself are becoming two different people.

This sounds like a confession at one end and like a letter on the other. I have no idea why I am blogging this. Maybe for the catharsis. Maybe to just get my thoughts together. I do not know. That is how things are. Human beings are such fragile things, the light of consciousness and the ability to analyse our own feelings and thoughts, such complexity in such a small space.

Over the past one month I have told my fiance that I smoke, that I do take alcohol on a rather irregular basis, once a month or so, and that I do take drugs occasionally, once a quarter or so. Coming from a conservative background and endorsing that point of view as well, she took some time to accept it. But she did not accept it. Yesterday she told me to tell her father about all this, since she felt that he should know about these habits of mine.

I cant, I just cant. It is very very difficult. There are complications that I cannot reveal here or they will lift the veil on who I am. I cant tell him. And she wont accept me if I dont. So, the question was, I can distance myself from alcohol and drugs forever. But I wont tell her father. I think she will accept it. I will do this to handle this situation that could get very very bad otherwise.

But, with so many compromises. She is a Muslim, in am an Agnostic, in our situation I have to act like a Muslim. She has a strong faith in her religion, I have a strong faith in mine, I can not show it. She can never accept her husband to drink alcohol, I do, and I have to leave it. She can never accept her husband to do drugs, I do, and I have to leave it. God I am crying. This is so fucking childish. Everything and every manner in which I deviate from the moderate Pakistani social setup I am doomed. I have a personality built on some things, and they are all doomed. My being like this is not acceptable in either society at large or in my immediate family. I do not want to comform for my sake, but for the sake of other people. I have to.

I think that with this, I am in a way trying to kill Jalal in my physical reality. I dont know if I will be successful. I can do it in the short term. But, what I fear is time. Countless days, melting into months, melting into years, melthing in decades. Will I be able to keep Jalal dead in the decades to come. If I can, then yes, I have compromised and conformed and changed myself. But, if I can not, then what? What of the assurance I am to give my fiance tomorrow? If I can not do it, then I should not commit. But I dont want to kill Jalal. I like him. And for fucks sake I am crying again. I hate this.

I would love for there to be a situation, where I am what I am. I am accepted for what I am. And I can live like what I am. I know, it is a land of fantasy. I know that neither society nor my family will accept me as that. I know it can not happen. I know I will have to be what they want me to be. But, I do not want that. Life seems very very unfair, but then again it is life, it is as it is. Neither fair, nor unfair. I am what I am, and I am not supposed to be. I know this is acceptable in many countries outside Pakistan. But the thought of my parents here with my lifestyle gnawing at the core of their existence. The complete extrangement that I will have to undergo from my family. I cant do that. I want two things at the same time which can just not be in the possession of the same person.

I feel as if I am living in a world where I am not the object of desire. By family, by society, by anyone. The object of desire is a figure in an imagination who is exactly upto the expectations that people have set for me. It is not I but my impression in their conscience that they love and adore. I feel so useless. What is life but a series of injuries, to our egos, to our bodies, to our souls. Cest la Vie.

Tomorrow I live again, a new day. But Jalal dies outside this electronic world of weblogs, online communities, emails and messaging programs.

انّا للہ و انّا الیہی رجیعون

I will be in mourning. It is a very big loss. Words are so weak. Thoughts so poignant. Emotions so strong.

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11 Comments»

  B wrote @

this is so sucky :( :( :( .. i can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you.

i’m not sure if this might be feasible, but have you considered applying for a job abroad? that would finally allow to break free from societal traditions.

  B wrote @

or how about telling your family you just found out you’re sterile and don’t want to fuck up a girl’s life because of that, so can we please call off the marriage and not bring it up again?

  PsycheD wrote @

nahhiinnnnnnnn..yeh nahi hosakti…..*filmy ishtyle*

ok – sorry for that….its uncalled for……yaar, who cannot luv jalal…y u killing him off?? :(

and i thot it was only us females who did the sacrificing, compromising and all that shit in order to keep up with the ‘khandan ki izzat’. dude i feel bad for u yaar. i hope this is one decision u wont have to regret.
u knwo what, when my ex told me about his occasional ‘bad habits’ – i took them to my stride. i dint go running to daddy or force him to lower himself to my dad! i mean, cmmon! with due respect to ur fiancee, why involve her dad? it’s btwn u and her! at first my pity was inclined towards her for the deal she was getting into…but now with such a reaction, im on ur side!
of course, nothing surpasses ur courage and honesty – and she shud appreciate u for that!

khair…..cry…mourn etc….but do live on……but i still wish u kept jalal alive and well at least here on ur blog!
and last but not the least, will u be interested in writing for my mag? :) if so, contact me on the email add provided.
for what it’s worth, have a gr8 wkend dude!

  Jere wrote @

Jalal, it’s heartbreaking to read this.

Why must you deny so much of who you are to appease a society in which you do not believe?

I think it’s time for you to be honest to everyone about who are. You drink, you use drugs in moderation, you’re gay, and you do not want to be married to a woman.

Even if your honesty destroys your life and changes everything, how much worse could it possibly be? You may still be miserable, but it will be an honest miserable and you’ll feel better about being true to yourself and not lying to those you love.

Your life is not your parents’ lives. You need to live your own life and be who you are. You can’t live your entire life for other people and be constrained by their expectations. Let them live in their way and you live in yours.

You are correct when you say that people have this fantasy view of you and do not know the real you. You family may be upset for while because you’ve destroyed their fantasies about who you are, but knowing the real you will eventually become much more important to them.

You’re going to be miserable either way, but there’s only path where the misery will eventually end and allow you the chance for happiness. And that is being true to yourself and being honest about who you are with those people you care about.

  navcity wrote @

I feel for you and I cant imagine how difficult it must be. I know someone in a similar pozish. He doesnt know that I know but I try to be as supportive as I can indirectly.

I suppose the drugs and alcohol (very rock n roll) are your chemical crutches to help you through situations? Otherwise I dont understand why drink n drugs are such a necessary part of your life (poppers?)

Hope you pull through ok.

I think that your fiancee probably senses a lot more about you than you think. Her asking you to tell her dad is probably her way of getting out of the engagement.

  jalaluddin wrote @

Well. I dont know what to say. It seems as if life has just lost all meaning.

B – Wont work out. I am an only son. And my not getting married having children and taking care of my parents when they are old will be heartbreaking to them no matter what the reason. There is no way out.

PsycheD – I am not killing him off online. He stays online. Just that he will no longer be a part of my reality. Unless my family decides that even that is wrong. When will just go kill myself or something so they can have things their way.

Jere – I am thinking on those lines. Thinking about how to tackle this situation.

navcity – You are right. I am not at all. The last time I had a drink was in July, and the last time I smoked up with in March or something. Just the fact that she doesnt accept it makes me feel suffocated.

  Zag wrote @

Dude….. i go for sometime and miss all of this…. so i am still confused, u r going to be online but you are not going to be online??? btw, the engagement thing that you agreed upon was a big sign that you had already accepted what was going to happen. You really can’t get engaged to someone and then later on tell them sorry, but i am gay, and expect them to accept you for it. Especially not in an arranged marriage.

Anyway, i dont really know what to say here man, hope everything turns out for the best…. sorry am not much help.

  shezsays wrote @

man your’s is a tragic story!

I told my wife about my smoking and being agnostic AFTER we got married. stupid move on my part but she accepted me still, well eventually i had to quit smoking.

your fiance asking you to talk to her dad is really sad.

Good luck i wish i had some advice for you,

  jalaluddin wrote @

Zag – I still dont know :) Am still not clear on what I want and how I want it.

Shez – Lolz! I like Agnostics, they are good people, maybe we should meet up sometime.

  shezsays wrote @

before we meet in hell u mean?

  Reverberations « Tuzk e Jalali wrote @

[…] period of depression that started here is still in full swing. Too many questions have been playing in my […]


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