Archive for October, 2007

Melancholia

Tuesday – 17 Shawwal 1428 – 08 Kartika 1929 – 30 October 2007

To start off with, basically, wow. Has been long.

At first I thought that I was having my periods and that had thrown me completely out of my emotional balance. But then I remembered that men dont have periods. They basically don’t have any excuses for suddenly becoming emotionally insane. Except the usual female complaint of being “just pigs”. So I will use that. I am just a pig. And mind you, Pigs can have half hour long orgasms. As it can be seen I use a situation where I find my life completely miserable and a mere shadow of an exitence on the surface of a rather wavy pond and turn it into a source of immense envy in the hearts of others. Yes, half hour long. Not me, Pigs.

So, as some of you might see from my previous emails, I have been extremely depressed because of my state of being gay in Pakistan. No acceptance within my family or society. No chance of leading a gay life. No chance of being happy by not leading a gay life. Do not believe in cheating on my wife or fiance. Do not believe in sleeping with men if my family does not know or approve. More contradictions in one sentence than I am used to hear from some of the more imbecilic of my colleagues when I have to stop them in each sentence and tell them that they are just not making any fucking sense.

So, I have seen the whole of “3rd Rock from the Sun” in the past two weeks.  I just love the show, and by that I mean, I love it to a level considered taboo in most societies. And, I am reading Hardy – A pair of blue eyes. I absolutely adore Hardy. His works capture my life in ways that are haunting and relieving at the same time. After this I will read Tess. I loved Jude and the Mayor of Casterbridge.

And, in the ending I think I would like to say that most probably my depression is coming to an end. Or maybe not. Too early to tell. But I just hope that if my depression does continue I do not want to spend sixteen straight hours in front of the television just to not let my mind wander off to any other ideas.

Oh, and yes, if there are any eligible Lesbian women out there looking for gay guys to marry. Send me a fucking email so we can finalize the deal woman!

Depression

Monday – 09 Shawwal 1428 – 30 Asvina 1929 – 22 October 2007

It seems that my current phase of depression has been going on for quite some time. At least X weeks. The same problem, the same issue. It is driving me insane. I can not leave myself alone for more than five minutes. I have to jump from one mind absorbing activity to another. I can not sit idle without either reading or surfing the net or watching tv or driving. I spend more than five minutes and I am thrown into depression. That was until yesterday. Today, life has taken a more miserable turn. I have started to despise all those things as well. I felt myself enraged by the happiness being experienced by others. I started to write this blog post because I was terrified by my contemplation immediately preceding this post of a bottle of pills that I could gulp down.  I am beginning to scare myself. As I sit here, I am thinking about just standing up, walking out of the front door, and just walking out, and then keep walking until I come to the end of the world.

I can not bear any more the thought that I wasted my whole youth to abstain from sexual relations with other men because I wanted to follow someone else’s ideals and not hurt them. The feeling of a loss of time, of my own youth, I can not describe a loss greater than this that I have felt in my whole life. Noone gives up things for other people. I feel like such an absolute idiot. Since it was Sunday and I was going insane I spent the whole day in front of the television. I felt hatred. Hatred for everyone with either a happy relationship or a happy sexual life.

I dont know what is happening to me, but it sure is not good. I do not want to live a life based on the rules of what is felt right, or wrong by someone else. I want my life, and if I cant get that, I feel no pleasure in a life of slavery.

Trajedy

Friday – 06 Shawwal 1428 – 27 Asvina 1929 – 19 October 2007

Two powerful bomb blasts have hit the procession of Benazir Bhutto. More than 120 have died as I sit here and write this. With trembling hands and wet eyes. Such loss of life, again and again and again. And it gnaws at your very soul and sanity. Like waves weathering away the cliffs. Cliffs of resolve and honour and dignity and humanity. Senseless violence tearing apart the fabric of our very lives. One after another a trickle of news and violence in our great cities. Murder, destruction and mayhem.

خون کے دھبے دھلیں گے کتنی برساتوں کے بعد

Poetry

Sunday – 01 Shawwal 1428 – 22 Asvina 1929 – 14 October 2007

 جوش ملیح آبادی

سنو اے ساکنان بزم ہستی، ندا کیا آ رہی ہے آسماں سے
آزادی کا ہر اک لمحہ ہے بہتر، غلامی کی حیات جاوداں سے

Josh Maleehabadi 

Listen, o denizens of life, to the sound emanating from the heavens,
Every moment of freedom is better than eternal life of slavery

محمد ابراہیم ذوق

زندگی ہے یا کوئی توفان ہے
ہم تو اس جینے کی ہاتھوں مر چلے

Muhammad Ibrahim Zauq 

Is it life? Or is it a tempest?
This life is my undoing

Lego

Sunday – 24 Ramazan 1428 – 15 Asvina 1929 – 07 October 2007

Ok, ok, ok. I know I am 27 and moving swiftly towards oblivion and should start cutting down on starch in my diet. But, I am still a young man, and I have needs.

My aunt got me a 2,000 piece special Lego set today. I love it. I have named it Ahmed. Though the motor thing has its own name. Saeed. So, at the risk of making this sound perverted, I was playing with Ahmed and Saeed for a period of six hours without a break today.

And, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, I swallowed one of the smaller pieces. Why the fuck do they put ages on the boxes when people older than that age can do things like this. I hate lego.

So, when my twelve year old cousin and myself were pulling on the lego box from two different corners he actually did manage to wrestle it from me.

This has got to be a very embarrasing moment for me. I seem to be saying that at an alarmingly faster pace nowadays. I think ill just go and have some more Pulao. It is such a consolation.

Depression

Sunday – 24 Ramazan 1428 – 15 Asvina 1929 – 07 October 2007

Humans are such intersting creatures. So simple at first sight, short-thin-petite-brownhair-beautifuleyes-crazysideburns, tall-fat-fair-jolly-sexychin, muscular-macho-brighteyes-beautifulshoes-interestingfashionsense. But so complicated when you jump into them. Courageous, cautious, self-conscious, complacent, arrogant, confident, depressive. And so and so forth. So many adjectives to define something that is basically not definable, playing with words to conceive an iota of knowledge about something so profound and so complex.

The past two weeks have not been a good time for me. But, it is the company of others that has kept me strong. For whatever reason. There have been so many issues that I have had to deal with lately. My engagement and the prospects of a life not at all my own but dictated by others. Maybe even not dictated, but dictated by my knowledge of the expectations of others. Expectations that I know are held so dear that I would not want to hurt them. But sacrificing my own expectations for others. No idea how that will turn out, there are too many apprehensions.

One of the reasons why I started this weblog was to reach out, a kind of catharsis that I get when I put pen to paper to write what I feel and then to read it and feel better about things. I was a regular blogger during my fourth year of college. But it was scary for the strength of emotions used. So I deleted that. Even after college I have been blogging regularly. Most of my older posts have been unbelievably strong and do scare me. But I have resolved not to delete my past, I can not escape it. And I do not want to forget it any more. I want to know who I was and who I will be.

I have a lot of friends who I can share my life with. In the physical world. And over time I have gained a lot of friends in this world of the internet as well. Very different kind of a relationship, but it does exist.

I have been having a severe feeling of loss over the past couple of days. Of not having done the things in life that I should have. Basically relates to relationships and sexual relationships with men. Something I knew would hurt my family if they find out. So, I have led a life of a reasonable amount of abstinence. But now it is haunting me. I dont want to make the same mistake. Of doing something for someone and feeling sorry about it. So I read my weblog for the past few years. I admit that there is more crap in there than there are stars or grains of sand. Gave me a bit of a consolation that not having the life that I wanted did not necessarily destroy my life back then.

One year of blissful submission to my family and my society is a reasonable period to cover up for the one month a year period of doubt, angst and depression that I have. Or is it? One thing about life is that you can never really answer these things. If only there were answers and if only I could know them. But that is not the case.

The silver lining on a rather large cloud is that depression wearies one off and ends itself as soon as the novelty of the emotion wears off. Hopefully.

Flight

Thursday – 21 Ramazan 1428 – 12 Asvina 1929 – 04 October 2007

I am about to fly away. To a distant land of milk and honey. Where waterfalls cover the rough faces of mountains. Where all is peace and calm and quiet. Paths are chosen on one’s own will. Where finally peace I shall find.