Sunday – 24 Ramazan 1428 – 15 Asvina 1929 – 07 October 2007
Humans are such intersting creatures. So simple at first sight, short-thin-petite-brownhair-beautifuleyes-crazysideburns, tall-fat-fair-jolly-sexychin, muscular-macho-brighteyes-beautifulshoes-interestingfashionsense. But so complicated when you jump into them. Courageous, cautious, self-conscious, complacent, arrogant, confident, depressive. And so and so forth. So many adjectives to define something that is basically not definable, playing with words to conceive an iota of knowledge about something so profound and so complex.
The past two weeks have not been a good time for me. But, it is the company of others that has kept me strong. For whatever reason. There have been so many issues that I have had to deal with lately. My engagement and the prospects of a life not at all my own but dictated by others. Maybe even not dictated, but dictated by my knowledge of the expectations of others. Expectations that I know are held so dear that I would not want to hurt them. But sacrificing my own expectations for others. No idea how that will turn out, there are too many apprehensions.
One of the reasons why I started this weblog was to reach out, a kind of catharsis that I get when I put pen to paper to write what I feel and then to read it and feel better about things. I was a regular blogger during my fourth year of college. But it was scary for the strength of emotions used. So I deleted that. Even after college I have been blogging regularly. Most of my older posts have been unbelievably strong and do scare me. But I have resolved not to delete my past, I can not escape it. And I do not want to forget it any more. I want to know who I was and who I will be.
I have a lot of friends who I can share my life with. In the physical world. And over time I have gained a lot of friends in this world of the internet as well. Very different kind of a relationship, but it does exist.
I have been having a severe feeling of loss over the past couple of days. Of not having done the things in life that I should have. Basically relates to relationships and sexual relationships with men. Something I knew would hurt my family if they find out. So, I have led a life of a reasonable amount of abstinence. But now it is haunting me. I dont want to make the same mistake. Of doing something for someone and feeling sorry about it. So I read my weblog for the past few years. I admit that there is more crap in there than there are stars or grains of sand. Gave me a bit of a consolation that not having the life that I wanted did not necessarily destroy my life back then.
One year of blissful submission to my family and my society is a reasonable period to cover up for the one month a year period of doubt, angst and depression that I have. Or is it? One thing about life is that you can never really answer these things. If only there were answers and if only I could know them. But that is not the case.
The silver lining on a rather large cloud is that depression wearies one off and ends itself as soon as the novelty of the emotion wears off. Hopefully.