Monday – 09 Shawwal 1428 – 30 Asvina 1929 – 22 October 2007
It seems that my current phase of depression has been going on for quite some time. At least X weeks. The same problem, the same issue. It is driving me insane. I can not leave myself alone for more than five minutes. I have to jump from one mind absorbing activity to another. I can not sit idle without either reading or surfing the net or watching tv or driving. I spend more than five minutes and I am thrown into depression. That was until yesterday. Today, life has taken a more miserable turn. I have started to despise all those things as well. I felt myself enraged by the happiness being experienced by others. I started to write this blog post because I was terrified by my contemplation immediately preceding this post of a bottle of pills that I could gulp down. I am beginning to scare myself. As I sit here, I am thinking about just standing up, walking out of the front door, and just walking out, and then keep walking until I come to the end of the world.
I can not bear any more the thought that I wasted my whole youth to abstain from sexual relations with other men because I wanted to follow someone else’s ideals and not hurt them. The feeling of a loss of time, of my own youth, I can not describe a loss greater than this that I have felt in my whole life. Noone gives up things for other people. I feel like such an absolute idiot. Since it was Sunday and I was going insane I spent the whole day in front of the television. I felt hatred. Hatred for everyone with either a happy relationship or a happy sexual life.
I dont know what is happening to me, but it sure is not good. I do not want to live a life based on the rules of what is felt right, or wrong by someone else. I want my life, and if I cant get that, I feel no pleasure in a life of slavery.