Monday – 09 Shawwal 1428 – 30 Asvina 1929 – 22 October 2007

It seems that my current phase of depression has been going on for quite some time. At least X weeks. The same problem, the same issue. It is driving me insane. I can not leave myself alone for more than five minutes. I have to jump from one mind absorbing activity to another. I can not sit idle without either reading or surfing the net or watching tv or driving. I spend more than five minutes and I am thrown into depression. That was until yesterday. Today, life has taken a more miserable turn. I have started to despise all those things as well. I felt myself enraged by the happiness being experienced by others. I started to write this blog post because I was terrified by my contemplation immediately preceding this post of a bottle of pills that I could gulp down.  I am beginning to scare myself. As I sit here, I am thinking about just standing up, walking out of the front door, and just walking out, and then keep walking until I come to the end of the world.

I can not bear any more the thought that I wasted my whole youth to abstain from sexual relations with other men because I wanted to follow someone else’s ideals and not hurt them. The feeling of a loss of time, of my own youth, I can not describe a loss greater than this that I have felt in my whole life. Noone gives up things for other people. I feel like such an absolute idiot. Since it was Sunday and I was going insane I spent the whole day in front of the television. I felt hatred. Hatred for everyone with either a happy relationship or a happy sexual life.

I dont know what is happening to me, but it sure is not good. I do not want to live a life based on the rules of what is felt right, or wrong by someone else. I want my life, and if I cant get that, I feel no pleasure in a life of slavery.


  marsha wrote @

Wish I could give you a big hug. I am so sorry you are sad. I would make things better if I could. If you were living here I would say “screw what others think. You have to live the life that makes you happy”…I’m thinking that you probably don’t have that option. How sad because I believe everyone should be free to live the life that makes them the most comfortable and happy.

I know this probably won’t help because we have never met…but “I like you “

  pakipoptart wrote @

I would really step back and try to look at the picture as a whole. Probably things are not as bad but currently seem overwhelming. What are some of the steps you can take to make this situation better?

  Zag wrote @

Off the topic, how come you don’t have Sin on your list? I thought you were the one person most likely to have his blog on your roll.

  PsycheD wrote @

awww dude….it aint getting any easier huh!? wishing u the best. if i say here ‘things happen for a reason’ – that wont help much wud it??

  jalaluddin wrote @

marsha – Dude it is ok. Everyone goes through rough patches in life. It is the others in our lives that help us get through them. As I have. You still wanna hug?

pakipoptart – One word – Submission.

Zag – Havent really been to his blog in ages.

PsycheD – Got much better today actually.

  goblinbox wrote @


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