Archive for November, 2007

Development

Thursday – 18 Ziqaad 1428 – 08 Agrahayana 1929 – 29 November 2007

There are times when you can not help but wonder whether you have turned out to be the sort of a person that you would have wanted to be one, three, five, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years ago in life? And what is the answer, I don’t know. We pass through so many things, in my case usually psychotic, or insane that you can always end up rationalizing what you have turned into. Jalal, you have turned into a psychotic slut. Thank you for informing me, but I knew that already, as well as having an ardent hope of turning out to be as psychotic but much more sluttier with time.

I dont know whether it is the advent of winter, or the sudden stop to my developing nervous breakdown that has made me so seriously horny nowadays. Of course this question can not be answered and is better left alone. One of my idiot friends at work thinks it is because of my excessive intake of eggs. I mean, how the fuck does three eggs a day make me horny. If it is really all that frikking potent I will just take a jug of eggs and cram it down OC’s throat and lie naked in front of him. Of course his manager will object to such behaviour in the office. For those of you wondering about this, OC is definitely my lust for the time being. He has been for about six to eight months. And I so pretty fucking sure that he is gay. I think ill make a move on him. Wish me luck and intact organs for tomorrow.

And then there is this other guy. He is on the floor below mine. Medium Height, Goatee, Bald, Bushy Eyebrows, seemingly quite hairy and a very ectomorphic build with no extra pounds anywhere. I think I am in love with him. Hmmmm, so how do I go and introduce myself to him and then eventually tell him that my car is a wonderful place to travel around in Karachi and get lost in dark alleys. Again, wish me luck and intact organs for that occasion.

Hmmmmm. It is winter again, and I must apologize for all the testosteone.

Oh, and yes, I absolutely completely adore and love my new car.

Advertisements

Politics

Sunday – 14 Ziqaad 1428 – 04 Agrahayana 1929 – 25 November 2007

Well, so Nawaz Sharif is back in Pakistan.

So basically, we are going to again have the overly hyper politicized monkey circus of the 90s in its full glory. Add to that an absolutely out of control media that does not think for ten minutes before bringing just about anyone to the stand and ridiculing them in ways not imaginable. And add to that a judiciary that is completely insane and will hopefully be allowed to become even more crazy with the reinstatement of the judges removed. So many centres of power. So many different people, institutions and groups jostling for power. So much politics and so many daily dramas. Too many entites jostling for the throne to render it impossible to land within the hands of any one of them. Let there finally be a diffusion of powers in Pakistan. Let noone take the throne without knowing that the hands holding it can easily shake it. Let there be no more dynasties. Let the games begin. And let there be light.

In the current circumstances I have grown to understand that I will vote for Mustafa Kamal in the local elections and for Benazir Bhutto in Provincial and National polls. I remember how Nawaz Sharif behaved while he was the PM. He stopped the presses of The News and Jang. His goons attacked the Supreme Court. These are charges that are levied on him alone, rest of all the millions of charges can be levied on both him and Benazir Bhutto. So, all in all Benazir comes out as a better option for the country. Despite that, I think the return of Nawaz Sharif was a very good step towards development of a proper political system for our country. We need mass parties to energize the people and let them learn how to control their destiny.

I have decided that I will vote. If only for the least worst choice. It is a responsibility. No matter how oppressive any lack of proper choice may be, but everyone should give an opinion of who they think is most well served to run this country. We owe it that much. Of course this means that I will have to wake up early on a holiday.

Sanity

Saturday – 13 Ziqaad 1428 – 03 Agrahayana 1929 – 24 November 2007 

I guess the previous post and then the title of this post should answer everything. Though I have been told in the past there is an inkling of insanity in myself. Of course being said by an ex does reduce the strength of the argument. Specially after I had doused his wallet in a bucket of water, only after he poured ketchup into mine. I didnt start it ok. Get off my case! So, I am not insane. I do get slightly insane of certain occasions though. An example would be today’s lunch when I just could not stop myself from leaning over the table and kissing my colleague. I didnt. But I was nearly about to do it. I am sure it would have either ended in exchange of sexual pleasures or getting pounded into pulp by a very muscular guy. 

I seem to be rambling again. I am better. I am ok. Things are ok. I have been having a bit too detailed discussions with my family. And things are going to work out. Or at least I hope so.

In the meantime I will be welcoming any donations of sex during this stressful period of my life, strictly as a friendly jesture of course. And, if you know anyone else who is gay, is in Karachi and might be in need of any similar needs please dont forget to email me. I love people and would be willing to go out of my way in making sure that mankind is happy and complete with the love of life.

And there is a very small flicker of a barely visible silver lining on this whole cloud of insanity. I have lost a lot of weight and all my pants are loose now. So, I will live longer and I will find it easier to find sex. Who said excessively chronic depression is not a good thing.

Insanity

Sunday – 07 Ziqaad 1428 – 27 Kartika 1929 – 18 November 2007 

All the trials and errors have been completed. And I stand ever so more on the brink of insanity. The extreme level of tension in my mind between the choice of two equally painful paths into my future. Fear of hurting anyone I love. Fear of hurting anyone else. A desire to lead a life of my own choosing. Extreme anger and disgust at not having led a life of my choosing. Feeling stupid at having told me father about being gay. Feeling stupid at having told my mother about being gay. My whole world has been crashing down on me for the past two months. And all I did was to avoid it. As I avoided it with over work for the past four years.

I have started getting up early, getting ready for work in ten minutes, getting to work at eight thirty in the morning and involving myself upto my head with work. So much so that I can not at times even shake hands with people. Not giving myself even two minutes to think about how fucked up my life is. And then coming back home at about twelve, from work. No time to think about anything in my life. For each and every one of the past four weekends I have for all practical purposes hovered on the brink of oblivion. I have actually realized that I may have ventured too far away from sanity on some occasions. As I probably am now. There is only one thing that provides support right now. Typing typing typing typing and typing.

I have been thinking about this so much. And everything I think and I know, I loose. It is like smashing against a cliff. I talked to my sisters and my parents. They still dont understand. My mother still thinks that she is doing a good thing for me. They think that I need to be brought to the true path.

This is not the fucking middle ages. I can not fucking cheat on my wife. All gay men used to get married only because it was socially acceptable for people to sleep around. And they did do that. Now you cant. I can not. Fuck. Fuck. I think my family still has a notion that I need to be brought to the true path. My mother, poor woman with the idiot son who actually did something so stupid to tell her that he is gay, actually started this prayer and then she sprinkles my pillow with water to drive away demons or whatever it is. That is how we handle problems in my family. The previous time I was going through a bad phase, at about the time I started writing this blog, they said that someone has done magic on me and that is why I am being like that. No. Wrong answer. Try to solve the problem medically. Similarly this time. Water sprinkling. What a proper way to solve problems.

I think ill go to sleep. There is no amount of ranting that can satisfy even one iota of my being right now.

Coming Out

Sunday – 29 Shawwal 1428 – 20 Kartika 1929 – 11 November 2007 

So, I finally came out to my father. Late last night we were having a long discussion on my engagement and my relationship with my fiance, which by the way are not going all that well. During the discussion, I felt a sudden breakdown of things. I could feel my though processes breaking down. I had a complete unability to focus or think or pay any attention to what my father was saying. All that was left of the voices in my head were two voices contradictory and conflicting. One of restraint urging me to keep quiet about my homosexuality otherwise I would end up hurting my father. The other of action urging me to let my relationship with my father be based on the truth of circumstances and not the deceitful layers of submission.

And while this argument was going on in my head, I just blurted out, abruptly, and with no build up to my father that I was gay. The sudden declartion scared me as it shocked my father. I had never until now, in my whole life, done something before the voices in my head had had a chance to come to a decision. This was a first, and even that on such a delicate matter.

All that said, amidst two hours of awkward silences and the strangest of discussions I think my father has come to accept the fact that I am indeed gay. I think I have fallen in his eyes. I could sense clearly from his tone and his words that he feels that his bloodlines and his future generations have floundered upon dangerous territories. I just dont know how to rectify that. During the discussion I told him that I will get married and try to lead a normal life. But, I don’t really know what he feels or thinks right now. I guess only time will tell.

I still want to be just like him when I grow up.

Emergency

Saturday – 21 Shawwal 1428 – 12 Kartika 1929 – 03 November 2007

State of Emergency has been declared in Pakistan on the orders of the Chief of Army Staff General Pervez Musharraf.

All news channels have been put offline throughout Pakistan. News is being disseminatd through state run PTV (Pakistan Television) news channels. Most probably to stop rumours from spreading by dissemination of news through multiple channels.

Chief of Army staff  has constituted a Provisional Constitutional Order – PTV.

All elected assemblies will continue to hold their offices – PTV. 

All current officials related to the service of Pakistan will continue to hold their offices – PTV.

Update 001 – This update is put into place just to state that CNN has done a horrible job of this news, first they put Martial law on their website and then they changed it. Horrible piece of journalism by CNN. Rumour mongering and not giving news. Idiots.