Insanity

Sunday – 07 Ziqaad 1428 – 27 Kartika 1929 – 18 November 2007 

All the trials and errors have been completed. And I stand ever so more on the brink of insanity. The extreme level of tension in my mind between the choice of two equally painful paths into my future. Fear of hurting anyone I love. Fear of hurting anyone else. A desire to lead a life of my own choosing. Extreme anger and disgust at not having led a life of my choosing. Feeling stupid at having told me father about being gay. Feeling stupid at having told my mother about being gay. My whole world has been crashing down on me for the past two months. And all I did was to avoid it. As I avoided it with over work for the past four years.

I have started getting up early, getting ready for work in ten minutes, getting to work at eight thirty in the morning and involving myself upto my head with work. So much so that I can not at times even shake hands with people. Not giving myself even two minutes to think about how fucked up my life is. And then coming back home at about twelve, from work. No time to think about anything in my life. For each and every one of the past four weekends I have for all practical purposes hovered on the brink of oblivion. I have actually realized that I may have ventured too far away from sanity on some occasions. As I probably am now. There is only one thing that provides support right now. Typing typing typing typing and typing.

I have been thinking about this so much. And everything I think and I know, I loose. It is like smashing against a cliff. I talked to my sisters and my parents. They still dont understand. My mother still thinks that she is doing a good thing for me. They think that I need to be brought to the true path.

This is not the fucking middle ages. I can not fucking cheat on my wife. All gay men used to get married only because it was socially acceptable for people to sleep around. And they did do that. Now you cant. I can not. Fuck. Fuck. I think my family still has a notion that I need to be brought to the true path. My mother, poor woman with the idiot son who actually did something so stupid to tell her that he is gay, actually started this prayer and then she sprinkles my pillow with water to drive away demons or whatever it is. That is how we handle problems in my family. The previous time I was going through a bad phase, at about the time I started writing this blog, they said that someone has done magic on me and that is why I am being like that. No. Wrong answer. Try to solve the problem medically. Similarly this time. Water sprinkling. What a proper way to solve problems.

I think ill go to sleep. There is no amount of ranting that can satisfy even one iota of my being right now.

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9 Comments»

  pakipoptart wrote @

I know i’m the last person to say this. We could sit around and talk about our problems, but I would rather hear you talk about how you are trying to solve your problems. I’m also sick of hearing you putting yourself down. You have to find some self esteem somewhere, I know its there.

  PsycheD wrote @

am with poptart…u have to find the self esteem that’s gone astray…see it this way..half the battle is already won. am sure thr is a way to winning it.
i envy the way ur pouring urself out here…..gawwdd…i so need to do the same :( (b4 anyone raises an eyebrow…am very much straight – my life’s just efd up in a diff way)

  Marsha wrote @

Your family loves you…they wouldn’t be putting forth the effort to try and steer you back to what they perceive as being normal if they didn’t.

My apologies, I don’t have the right to give advice. Your world is more complicated than mine. You have struggles that I can’t even imagine.

I am sure your family is struggling too!!

  Nen wrote @

Aah, Jalal!

  sam riz wrote @

Look this seems very tough. Are there other gay men in karachi who can be your supposrt network?

  anthorclosetgay wrote @

I know words are only words and they can’t take away the pain or solve the problems but still i would say to take care of your self and your health. These all problems are there so you can appreciate the good times when they arrive and Believe me good times are there for you So Please take good care of your self.

  Shadab Zafar wrote @

jalal,
hi,
im sorry to hear about your predicament,
i can relate to how you might be feeling ,im gay and its been quite a ride coming out to family and friends here in bangladesh.for my mother it wasnt easy accepting my choice of lifestyles but she gave in eventually,also being a single mother shes been thru many hurdles and me being gay was not much of an issue compared to raising two sons alone in a society taht is ,to say the least ,hostile towards single women.my grand parents were ratehr liberal but i can imagine holy water being sprinkled on my bedsheets lest evil spirits make me wander,they wouldnt want their beloved shadab to land in hell,theyd want to see me with a loving wife,kids,the works,theyd want to see me lead a “normal” life,i cant argue with that.but i wont bend over backwards to plese tehm either.honestly ive got a live to live,i cant worry about who lieks what i do and who doesnt,i can be polite,i can avoid makign others feel uncomfortable but i cant be too botehred with what anyoens thinks of me,im too busy staying alive,breathing,and jalaj dont forget love.you can love.i fidn it really funny when some ppl cant swallow diffrences,its just beyond me,i try to understnd ti but i dont let it get to me.i smile.so pick yourself up mister!!!and yeah if the going gets tough we’ll still be listening

  jalaluddin wrote @

Ok Ok Ok. Nearly over. Sanity has started to creep in.

pakipoptart – Yeah yeah I know. Now please take your shirt off so we can continue with a constructive conversation.

PsycheD – I actually have found out a way. It is that I need to marry a Lesbian, then it will actually be a marriage of convenience.

Marsha – Things seem to have settled down in the past 24 hours.

Nen – What what what what what.

Sam Riz – Actually there isnt. But I have a large group of friends, who were there for me through all this.

anotherclosetgay – You are right. Can I have your email, would be easier to talk over there.

  anthorclosetgay wrote @

I am really glad that everything settled down so quick you are really getting better. My email address is the same as required by making comment on your blog. I hope you can already see it.

*Now don’t start dreaming wilds. I live ‘far far away’*


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