Monday – 27 Zilhaj 1428 – 18 Pausa 1929 – 07 January 2008


Interesting topic. It means, both a summation of what is going on, and the end. And this is the conclusion. I am a square peg and there is a round hole that is family and society. There is no possible way for me to mix the two. I thought that marrying a Lesbian and having an open marriage would be a good idea, but then my father, despite the opposition of everyone else, about ten people, forced me to agree to the fact that the married couple will have to live in a room in the middle of the house. So, fuck open marriage, I am enslaved. And I hate it. So basically there are two options to life, a – me, b – family and society.

Life, by their choice is not acceptable to me any more, and life, by my choice is not acceptable to them anymore. We are at an impasse. And the only thing that seems expendable, so completely useless and expendable is life.

I hate this.

And, after I say all this, shift blame and say things. It is all my fault. I never could stand up for myself and say that I want what I want and I will not take no for an answer. I was afraid of the incessant crying. Mom I want to get an apartment. Crying, bawling, I hate women and I hate all the fucking ways in which they subliminally emotionally blackmail us.

I hate this.

This may be my last post, and this may not, I just hate the concept of living any more, it seems such a fucking drag. I dont want to live any more in a forced life, it is better to die free than live enslaved. I do not want this any more. I am deleting all of my online profiles and stuff. Deleting myself, my gay ids and my str8 ids. All of them. Maybe people will forget.

Over the past four years since college ended and I had to move in with my family, I have been continuously talking to my family to let me have an apartment, and they never agree. And when I try to insist, they cry. I hate it. And now, I feel so seriously drained and empty. It is not nearly at all fucking acceptable any more.


  anothergayincloset wrote @

Don’t be stupid ….. Future will be better tomorrow.

  Jere wrote @

Okay, this should be your wake up call that something needs to change in your life. You have a job…get an apartment of your own. Even if you have to have roommates, it’s worth it. Hang at the family house as often as you want to, even sleeping there sometimes if you wish…but have your own space to return to, a place where you can be yourself.

I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. Look for a job that will allow you to relocate to a city or a country that is more gay-friendly than where you live.

Your family may not like it, but it’s the 21st Century. You are allowed to be your own man. And there an unprescedented number of ways to keep in touch now. Phone, email, fax, regular mail. The world is smaller than ever and communication is easier than ever.

If you can make it to New York, you can even crash on my sofabed while you look for your own place.

  pakipoptart wrote @

I’ve been there and am still there with my family. There is never a conclusion to this. The conclusion is how you end up reacting to it. Family drama is never ending. Sometimes its weight feels so much you don’t know what to do. But you have to remember you cannot make everyone happy. Even if you tried they will probably still not be happy. Even straight guys I know that didn’t want to marry who their parents wanted them to…but got married from pressure…still didn’t make their parents happy because their wives were unhappy and they ended up divorcing.

  Hafsteinn Iceland wrote @

Do not give up! After a spell of darkness the sun will shine! Brighter than ever before!
I have been reading your blog – and I engage heavily in your agony. Your blog is so clear and ladden with messages. But LIFE IS IMPORTANT. The force that created us – and all the misery – also created beutiful things and situations. I am a nordic person – and I am old – I could eventually be your grandfather for that matter. In my country – and most other european countries – situations as you are in are unthinkable. No one has to marry against their will – and even marriage between partners of same gender are considered fully acceptable – both religiously and socially. Our God did not set any limits on his – or her – love upon mankind. That came later – mainly because of the ruling governors need for soldiers and army dicipline. And all armies are nothing but an organized heards of bad men in battle against God and all good will. Wherever you put in male chauvinism, power and money, there will be corruptions and abuse of the people in any land.

Keep up! – Be a hero! – I love you and send you my prayers. I am sure God will smile upon you within a while! May God enlighten your parents and family. The gift of understanding and tolerance is the greatest gift God has ever given to any person. God is not a chauvinist!
God is a loving father – and a loving mother -to us all!

Be loved! – Be free!
Be happy and loved!


  Ali wrote @

Dude, be a man or as much as a “MAN” you can be … I feel the family issues, but look around.. you will find people many people that will swap their lives with you in a heartbeat…. if you don’t accept their “choice” then make your a move… life is as simple as binary… either your’s or their’s ….

  dil-e-nadan wrote @

i have been there, except i am not gay, but i have been there, humans are selfish, you are thinking for your own happiness, and they their, this life is meant to be lived like this…

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