Monday – 27 Zilhaj 1428 – 18 Pausa 1929 – 07 January 2008
WARNING : DEPRESSIVE CRAP COMING UP! DO NOT READ! ONLY MEANT FOR PERSONAL CATHARSIS!
Interesting topic. It means, both a summation of what is going on, and the end. And this is the conclusion. I am a square peg and there is a round hole that is family and society. There is no possible way for me to mix the two. I thought that marrying a Lesbian and having an open marriage would be a good idea, but then my father, despite the opposition of everyone else, about ten people, forced me to agree to the fact that the married couple will have to live in a room in the middle of the house. So, fuck open marriage, I am enslaved. And I hate it. So basically there are two options to life, a – me, b – family and society.
Life, by their choice is not acceptable to me any more, and life, by my choice is not acceptable to them anymore. We are at an impasse. And the only thing that seems expendable, so completely useless and expendable is life.
I hate this.
And, after I say all this, shift blame and say things. It is all my fault. I never could stand up for myself and say that I want what I want and I will not take no for an answer. I was afraid of the incessant crying. Mom I want to get an apartment. Crying, bawling, I hate women and I hate all the fucking ways in which they subliminally emotionally blackmail us.
I hate this.
This may be my last post, and this may not, I just hate the concept of living any more, it seems such a fucking drag. I dont want to live any more in a forced life, it is better to die free than live enslaved. I do not want this any more. I am deleting all of my online profiles and stuff. Deleting myself, my gay ids and my str8 ids. All of them. Maybe people will forget.
Over the past four years since college ended and I had to move in with my family, I have been continuously talking to my family to let me have an apartment, and they never agree. And when I try to insist, they cry. I hate it. And now, I feel so seriously drained and empty. It is not nearly at all fucking acceptable any more.