Archive for February, 2008

Likeness

Day 10,029 – Friday – 21 Safar 1429 – 10 Phalgul 1929 – 29 February 2008

Now, I know I am a self centered narcissist. I also know that one of my many fantasies is having to spend all my time with 100 perfect humans who keep asking me about myself (read, I am their centre of attention and thoughts) and who keep telling me about just how absolutely perfect and good I am (read, I am the most perfect being on the planet). And then, I actually have the audacity, to tell myself that I am not competitive. Bah, humbug! Oh, and yes, if this was not enough, I have started talking to myself in the car again. And, the person on the passenger seat, now talks in a British accent. I am very very worried about him. And me.

After saying all this, the general level of evilness of my friends becomes apparent after the following things happen to me.

So, like all normal 27 year old human beings, I saw someone in another car who looked at least more than 97% like me. Exactly, so, like all normal people, I sent the following sms to about 17 of my close family and friends “I just saw someone who looks exactly like me “. I expected everyone else to call me up immediately and telling me that they think it is an absolutely amazing occurence and can not go to work for the next one week because they are completely awed by this mundane detail of my life. And I expected at least one of them coming up with the statement that they cannot think anymore because of the profound nature of my revelation and end up spending their life writing two books about me and my ideas.

But, like self centered hags, I get the following replies,

Little Sister – Let me guess mustafa kamal:p? – Note – Too sarcastic.
Middle Sister – Who, when, where ??? Did he see u ??? – Note – Too confused.
Guy who sits two desks from mine – AH – Must have been sacred… So now u know how v feel – Note – You misspelt scared, bitch!
Best guy friend colleague – HS – No way.
Best guy friend colleague – HS – You are unique ma luv – Note – Too dismissive.
Female friend colleague – SR – Oh god! Not possible – Note – Too virulent.
Dad – How much
Dad – Met him? – Note – Too engrossed
Colleague who used to sit behind me – NA – Hehe :-) well now u r not the only one who is lovingly chubby. And U must be feeling very jealous now. – Note  – I am NOT chubby.
Best girl friend colleague – SS – Oh my god is that even possible :-/ – Note – Too hateful.
So, basically, when they do end up giving me a lot of attention, I call them names and dismiss them. And when they dont, I hate them for judgeing.

I so seriously fucking need to; a – get laid; b – get laid again 10 mins after the first time; c – see a shrink; and d – not drive the shrink nutso.

Smorgasbord

Sunday – 16 Safar 1429 – 05 Phalgun 1929 – 24 February 2008 

My belief in the existence of a supreme being, lovingly called God from now on, has been strengthened in the past couple of days. I have suddenly been put through a set of extremely varied experiences since Friday morning. I am sure this God person wants to show me ways to love what he has created. If only he worked this hard to get me sex with Mark Wahlberg, I am sure my belief in him would be awakened beyond all previous records.

So, I go to work on Friday. Over excited about how things are working out, doing my mental calculations. And then a sand storm hit the city, and wham, I am in the loo coughing, sneezing and feeling miserable. My boss thinks I am trying to avoid work. And, I am trying to tell him that he can get a clue from my red eyes and the fact that I have tears dripping from my chin that there is something wrong with me. No, you idiots, slow brained cows, I was not crying, I got a fucking eye infection. I hate infections of all kinds. Though I do like the odd cold, makes me feel sexy. Perverted; but sexy.

Then comes Saturday, I go on an interesting date, the guy does NOT like me. He does NOT like me at all. AT ALL. I am sure you all see the excessive capitalization. I liked him. But, he DEFINITELY did not like me.

So, to get over that, I went to a book store. My old nemesis. I have to decide on a small amount, and then try not to exceed ten times that figure. But, this time I really did go overboard, and bought books worth about 23% of my take home salary and about 16% of my total salary. Crazy, weird, insane? Yes please, with an added dollop or fat free creme. And this is exactly why I have to take someone else along with me when I go shopping. I would max out my card buying stupid cup holders when I know I dont need them.

I think ill just put up a huge sign on my office table “Therapy needed here”. Because, as of now, I dont feel anything else can define me so well.

And then, I went crabbing at night. Amazing experience. The whole family went. And of course, eating at least 25 crabs and 25 shrimp is not a general human’s idea of fun, but when you have practically frozen solid because of the full blast cold freeing winds the only thing you can think of is eating. Eating to your heart’s content.

Ugghhhhhhh. I think I need to sleep today!

Summer

Thursday – 13 Safar 1429 – 02 Phalgun 1929 – 21 February 2008

So, today was that day. That day. The day that comes twice each year, once when you suddenly realizy during the day that it is no longer winter. And once when you suddenly realize that it is not longer summer.

There is a sudden change of smell. The air feels different, from the chilly cooling air of the winters you jump to the balmy sultry wind of the summers.

Yes, today, I had a feeling that things would have a completely different feeling. Not the winter one, but the summer one.

Ahhhhhhhhh, summers!

Friendship

Wednesday – 12 Safar 1429 – 01 Phalgun 1929 – 20 February 2008

So, we usually like friends. People who just keep laughing at stupid things and then steal your coffee, or USB drive. There is a general up and down with friends. I prefer to see my friends paying the cheque at the restaurant, that is the up. I generally do not prefer having to ask my idiot friend for my book which I lent to her three months ago, that is the down. Ok, and, call me heartless, or evil, but I have reminded her about it at least ten times, and she just doesnt give it back. And to add to all that, now she is saying that she is keeping it.

If I were an ill behaved heather I would have pulled her hair when I met her earlier on today. And, as opposed to all sense and reason, I did just that. In the elevator earlier on today. Or course she kicked me in the shin, pulled my tie and pulled my shirt out of my pants. I hate her. She is evil. Of course when the elevator doors opened it seemed as if we had had a session of wild torrid sex in the elevator. Even if I was not gay I would not have slept with a book stealer.

But, most of all, I hate evil friends who meet up with me after ages and end up sending me an sms that declares that “After a round table conference which was merely equivalent to one message, the verdict is that despite your ‘I had to ditch 2 friends to meet you’ attitude, we approve of you and look forward to hand out :)”. I mean, what the fuck, I am extremely likeable.

Right about now I have an extremely strong urge to refer to myself in the third person and say something like “the j-man rocks”, but after a moment of thought I have decided absolutely against it.

Apology

This is an apology directed to the guy I was chatting on MIRC with 10 mins ago.

I am sorry I rushed off like an ill behaved hussy.

I want to apologize to you, over the phone preferably, and then take you out to coffee.

Election

Monday – 10 Safar 1429 – 29 Magha 1929 – 18 February 2008

Well, so, it has come. The day of the election. There is widespread fear of how it will turn out. Suicide bombings, party clashes, government-opposition violence, you name it, we are afraid of it. A nation that is absolutely insane, complete crazy and unequivocally confused about where to turn. And, I am this nation.

I had already decided that I will go and vote this time around. Even if I hate all the political parties I still think that I should ensure that the least worst candidate gets elected. So, with a patriotic beating heart I head out to cast my vote for the candidate who will cause the least amount of abject destruction to my country.

I divided my vote between two different parties. One for the national and one for the provincial seat.

The system of polling and casting of votes is so unbelievably archaic that one would rather ram a red hot poker into one’s shins and sit comfortably than go through the long lines, ill behaved and ill equipped staff, general lack of any possible electronic, technical or mechanical gadget that might ensure any faster processing of the voters. All in all, working in a Pakistani environment with our restrictions, not something people from outside the country can understand, but I can. And I forgive them. Mainly because of two reasons, one of the election officials was incredibly sexy and I stared at him to my heart’s content. And my political guide at the polling station was hitting on me blatantly, so I have his number and maybe political activities planned for later on.

I have done my part. Now, wait and see.

Touring

Sunday – 09 Safar 1429 – 28 Magha 1929 – 17 February 2008

Well, the recent writers block has been violently overturned due to personal, official and political developments.

After the sad demise of my extremely disfunctional and painful engagement, I have been free to partake of the bounties of the world. Despite the psychosis, depression, hyperexcitement, body image issues, obesity and of course the abject fear of meeting complete strangers who might end up killing or looting me I have managed to garner a reasonable love life for myself. Let us not jump any guns. I am not romantically inclined towards anyone right now. Though I have managed to get one or two dates a week for the past one month. And of course, that is quite exciting to start off with. So, I am back in the game.

Gentlemen – Send your applications at my email address. The ability to communicate in human languages, a good sense of humour and of course being sexually attractive will definitely be a plus.

Ladies – If you are of the homosexual inclination and want nothing more than to marry a man who will understand you and has been voted the best-husband-to-be by a group of seven women please send your applications at my email address. A good sense of humour, a proper education and of course the ability to bear offspring who will beat off all the other competitors and hunt the largest prey will be a plus.

On the official front, I was recently sent on a Pan Pakistan training, fact finding and team building tour. Hyderabad, Quetta, Multan, Faisalabad, Lahore, Sialkot, Islamabad and Peshawar. After four flights and seven bus rides over a period of two weeks I have ended up meeting about two hundred colleagues from across the length and breadth of the country. It went very well, I saw more of Pakistan in a two week period than I could ever have in such a short time span. The eve of elections, the sexually charged winters and the mad dash to the next station all added to the overall excitement of an endeavour as insane as I am as a person. After this sentence I can see my English teacher standing behind my shoulders with a cane in her hand. “Propositions, preposition!, PREPOSITION!!!, use them, and stop writing like a dawdly”. I have no idea what a “dawdly” is, but I do not want to be one. I digress, the trip went well. All work and no play.

But, alive to my reputation of having dirty eyes, I present to you a ranking of men from cities across Pakistan, using the following factors – masculinity, beauty, wit, humour, finesse, class and of course added weightage for the first two purely physical factors. Please keep this handy, you will never in your whole life come across a list as interesting as this. Or the previous one, where I counted how much traffic passes in front of the City Court in the evening by hour.

1 – Karachi
2 – Islamabad
3 – Peshawar
4 – Lahore
5 – Quetta
6 – Sialkot
7 – Faisalabad
8 – Hyderabad
9 – Multan

Or course visiting nearly the whole country right before the elections has made me fairly clear about how the election will turn out.