Explanations

Day 10,035 – Thursday – 27 Safar 1429 – 16 Phalgun 1929 – 06 March 2008

I am gay. I have told me father, mother and sisters about it. They find it disgusting, wrong and morally corrupt. They are not ready to accept that I am gay, after some time they have accepted that I have been corrupted by someone, they are not ready to accept it and I can not do anything about it. I am ok with being gay, and I do not put any restrictions on the lives of the rest of my family, live and let live. But the same principle is not applied to me.

I want to be gay. I want to live a life of my choosing. That is not possible if I live with my parents like all other normal Pakistani guys. Again, I do not put any restrictions on anyone else, but my life is made hell.

I want to live separately. I told my parents about this and I also told them that I am very different from them and the things that I want are very different from everyone else. One must make allowances for people who are different. And I shoul. d be allowed to live separately, that in my eyes was the only way for me to lead a life of my choosing. Family had issues, could not be done.

I am selfish. I was told that I am extremely selfish for wanting to do this even when I know it will hurt my family. I dont want to do it because it will hurt them. I am not going to do it. But, living a life that I dont want to live, I am never going to be happy.

I am obsessed with one thing. Why do you want to give up everyone because of one thing (read, sex with men). The answer is that, I dont want to. Just that you guys will not allow me to. So, I can as a human want two things. But obviously I am not going to get either one of the two.

I hate my family. I am heartless and do not love anyone and that is why I want to live alone. Also, I am selfish and do not care for others and I am not ready to sacrifice for the family as I should. Why doesnt the family just sacrifice two things for me, let me live separately and let me lead a life of my choosing. Where the fuck is that sacrifice?

If I feel that my past three years have been wated because I was not allowed to live alone it doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with anything. Acutally, there is, this means that I have failed as a person. Everyone 3-4 years I will feel sorry for not having done things differently in the past. This one experience proved that this is how I will be. Noone wants to live in a state of consistent defeat, forced conditions and mulling over loss.

I should not have been allowed to live separately because I would have gotten into bad habits and also because I was completely unable to take care of myself. First, not your decision, it was my decision. Second, everyone learns, so would I have. Thank you for wasting my time and my life. I dont hate you. But, for not letting me live, I am sure you hated me.

What the fuck to do with my depression. I dont know. I dont care. I dont give a fuck.

The scariest part is that, after I have been screaming out that I need to be allowed to live my life, and been rejected over and over again, my will to live has died out, and as of this moment, I have no interest in being alive, the only thing keeping me alive is my inability to articulate the above sentence properly enough to explain to myself why me life means something to either me or someone else.

I have realize that if over a period of time, someone is stifled, be they right or wrong, or whatever the fuck, they will slowly die from inside. And I think, that stage has hit me. I have died from inside. Nothing holds meaning for my any more. And I dont care about anything.

Even if you think that someone else is wrong, but if they decide for something in their life, please for God’s sake, for the sake of all that is good in this world, please let them live the way they choose, and please dont kill them. Stopping someone from choosing their life is akin to murder.

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6 Comments»

  marsha wrote @

I’m thinkin someone needs a {{big hug}}. I wish you weren’t so sad.

  Kris wrote @

Dear Jalal, every intelligent person who’s gay goes thru this phase. Cheer up! We love you!

  joe wrote @

In my experience with parents, the disgust lessens over time, even if the moral objection remains. Good luck!

  Sonia wrote @

what I dont get is why dont you just pack up and leave? if you were a girl it would make some sense because our Pakistani culture is too mucked up to allow that kind of freedom of choice to females.

but you’re a guy. its so much more easier, IMHO.

  pakipoptart wrote @

You can’t abandon your family. I imagine your family ties are extremely strong.

But this unhappiness that you’ve wrote about for years now is more than just the gay issue. You often write about your weight, rejection, and your low self-esteem. I think these are a lot of issues J that have overburdened you. You have to work on them one by one. You cannot give up — you have to get yourself out of these bad feelings.

In a lot of ways, I have all the same issues you have. Maybe not to the same degree but I know how tough this is.

  xhab wrote @

I’m not gay, but in the situation I am, I am in a situation to relate. I personally do not have any hopes for relationships in the future, and have given up all hope that I will find anybody, even a close friendship would see me though. But somehow I am even too repulsive for that. Now what does this mean?.. well you’d be suprised, suicide is not the answer, you are a unique being and will never exist again in the form that you are, if you are religous, then wasting your soul for something as stupid as the above is beyond forgivible. If not, then target your aims in the universe, my highest aim in life is for man-kind to exist for as long as possible. In killing myself I only reduce my impact and help for man-kind. I won’t kill myself because my life is too valuable… perhaps I over think it, but it is what keeps me alive. Try and grasp, Much love your way.


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