Afterthoughts

Day 10,045 – Sunday – 26 Phalgun 1929 – 07 Rabi ul Awwal 1429 – 16 March 2008

So, ten days, no blogging. Been depressed for a couple of months now. Never really thought about how I wanted my life, just went about over working myself and running away from the dreaded questions that solitude would lead me to. And then I stopped, somewhere in October or September last year. And have been in a continuous state of depression since.

But, this week, I did something useful. I have been wanting to move out since October 2003. I actually checked my blog to get the date right. And then I told my mom that I have been asking her for this for the past four years and four months. And, then I told her that after not being given what I want for four years I am spent and will not listen to whatever they say. Of course, not having slept or eaten for the past three days gave a certain pallour to my skin and my mother, worried beyond her wits, agreed that I should be allowed to move out if I wanted it that badly.

So easy, but, where the fuck am I going to get back October 2003 to February 2008. However, this teaches me never to fuck with anyone elses life, because life is too precious. And it is murder if you kill someone with a gun or if you kill them with pain, or lack of attention, or lack of freedom, or whatever the way it is. Every human is different. And every human must be given the right to decide how they live. Otherwise, people just start to die inside. Not good. Not good at all.

Khair, all said and done. I am going to start looking for a place now.

But, the fact that if all I had to do was progressively loose weight, sleep and become an absolute zombified anti social creature reserved to my room for days on end and only then my parents would agree to listen to what I have been saying for all this time. I should have been more ruthless with them. I should not have listened to them. I should not have given them the benefit of any doubts. It feels like such a waste.

Khair, the depression is over. But, I feel hollow and incomplete. Something like floating over water. Something like being light and airy and bobbing up and down. I can not feel my feet firmly planted on the ground. I can not understand some things that I could. I am living in a surreal environment. And now that I actually have what I wanted, I dont feel that it is that important any more. What was more important was that I should have gotten in earlier on.

As I sit here writing this. I have no idea what I want next in life. Just this one thing has been so long and so painful, I dont know if I want anything else.

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4 Comments»

  Minerva wrote @

I am so sorry for all that you have suffered… and I think you are so very brave to have come out to your family. Being a minority is tough; being a part of a strong family and having a different path is even tougher.

Know that you do have the right to a life’ to a life free of oppression and hardship. You will, I am sure, get there, and the years that you see as wasted, whilst really tough and hard will stand you in good stead as you will understand those around you, even those who are intolerant..

I do wish you the very best of luck – your words have touched me tonight and I do hope that someone is there to whom you may share your feelings, hopes and dreams.

  Zag wrote @

“As I sit here writing this. I have no idea what I want next in life.” ummmm how about an APARTMENT!!!!! :P

  kiddo wrote @

It has been a long time since I read your blog man. Zag says it in jest but his advice is on the mark. Instead of pondering about what could have been just do what you have to next. Life will happen on it’s own. I promise you that some of it will be fabulous and some of it will suck. So it goes.

I came here through my own old blog (linked above) and I found this poem I had written 4 years ago when I had gone through through a similar time as you are going through I find that 4 years later the words still ring as true in my ears as they did then.Here’s a part of it:

peace
sometimes i am ashamed of it
but peace is all i feel

i feel like it doesn’t matter
that the pain helped me grow

moving on
moving ahead
is all that matters

the past is hazy
and as i stand on its grave and reach out for the future
i couldn’t care less

  Zag wrote @

I am assuming your new appartment doesn’t have an internet connection :)


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