Day 10,045 – Sunday – 26 Phalgun 1929 – 07 Rabi ul Awwal 1429 – 16 March 2008
So, ten days, no blogging. Been depressed for a couple of months now. Never really thought about how I wanted my life, just went about over working myself and running away from the dreaded questions that solitude would lead me to. And then I stopped, somewhere in October or September last year. And have been in a continuous state of depression since.
But, this week, I did something useful. I have been wanting to move out since October 2003. I actually checked my blog to get the date right. And then I told my mom that I have been asking her for this for the past four years and four months. And, then I told her that after not being given what I want for four years I am spent and will not listen to whatever they say. Of course, not having slept or eaten for the past three days gave a certain pallour to my skin and my mother, worried beyond her wits, agreed that I should be allowed to move out if I wanted it that badly.
So easy, but, where the fuck am I going to get back October 2003 to February 2008. However, this teaches me never to fuck with anyone elses life, because life is too precious. And it is murder if you kill someone with a gun or if you kill them with pain, or lack of attention, or lack of freedom, or whatever the way it is. Every human is different. And every human must be given the right to decide how they live. Otherwise, people just start to die inside. Not good. Not good at all.
Khair, all said and done. I am going to start looking for a place now.
But, the fact that if all I had to do was progressively loose weight, sleep and become an absolute zombified anti social creature reserved to my room for days on end and only then my parents would agree to listen to what I have been saying for all this time. I should have been more ruthless with them. I should not have listened to them. I should not have given them the benefit of any doubts. It feels like such a waste.
Khair, the depression is over. But, I feel hollow and incomplete. Something like floating over water. Something like being light and airy and bobbing up and down. I can not feel my feet firmly planted on the ground. I can not understand some things that I could. I am living in a surreal environment. And now that I actually have what I wanted, I dont feel that it is that important any more. What was more important was that I should have gotten in earlier on.
As I sit here writing this. I have no idea what I want next in life. Just this one thing has been so long and so painful, I dont know if I want anything else.