Archive for April, 2008

Effort

Day 10,085 – Friday – 05 Vaisakh 1930 – 18 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 25 April 2008

As defined by my friend AI from university, “relationships are a bitch”. Which when translated into the language of RA, the guy who sits in front of me at work, becomes, “relayshaships are a biyatch”. I love the word biyatch, it is a lot more direct and final than bitch. Moving on. Things with Doctor Sahab are going quite well. I am not going to be blogging about my relationship. I just will not. So help me God! But I will be blogging about themes of relationships that I have experienced in the past and that others have experienced. Interesting topic.

Even though I am quite psychotic, but, I do not make an effort in my relationship because I have to. I do it because of the way I feel about this thing. I do it because I want to. I have not reached the phase of commitment. Keeping in view my severe desire to keep absolutely independent whilst everyone around me adores me and makes me the centre of attention at all times, I will not be putting too much effort into this thing; because I have to. I am making the effort because I want to.

It is not because I am evil, afraid of commitment, self centered, oh and yes, “a bitch” – as per my evil friend SR from work. It is because I have just not reached that stage of this relationship.

And, as for the whole concept of demand and supple of effort, as opposed to the concept of demand and supply of products by Adam Smith, I have realized, that I do want him to make an effort. Something that scared the fucking hell out of me in each past relationship. I was told, in so many words, that I needed to make some effort. I mean, me, the paragon of nicety and selflessness, not making an effort! Let the Gods shudder!

Of course, despite being evil and sarcastic, I have not said this to Dr Sahab. I have learnt just one thing from all of my past failures at relationship management, do not tell people that they are not making an effort.

Of course, after Dr Sahab I now know how the other person feels. When the other person says, “you said you will call but you didnt. Why?” or when the other person says “you are free right now, but you are going out with friends?” and other such things. That is just not right, and it is dangerous. Because the moment you say something like that, the other person freaks the fuck out and wants to run out the nearest exit, no matter how much they like you.

Imagine a Deer, a beautiful young virile male deer with his antlers held high. Free as a buck. And then imagine an evil eyed doe, beautiful and young but with a huge noose of thorns and flesh cutting metallic protrusions. And then imagine the deer realizing that for the rest of his life, he will be held liable for every time he doesnt make a call or goes out with his friends or just needs to not pay excessive attention to the doe. Ok. So the guys get it. But the women – dont judge me, I am just the messenger of the turth of the species. Not the one who designed them.

But, the fact of the matter is that. I want effort. Because every time an effort is made, it makes me feel satisfied in the way this relationship is going. It makes clear the level of commitment of the other person. It provides me with a certainty, a finality, a sudden feeling of calm.

But, and please read this part, since I am not married to him, yet, I am not going to ask him to make an effort, because there is no other surefire way of making him run away than that. And frankly, I dont want him to make any effort that is out of the way for him. I want him to let this thing grow as naturally as it will grow. If it works out, it works out. If it doesnt, it doesnt. No artificial commitments.

Oh, and for once, I am not playing any games whatsoever.

PS – A relationship between two gay guys, who behave like straight guys as far as intimacy is concerned, is very very very very very difficult. Since there is absolutely no sharing of information on the topics of emotions and feelings, it is very dificult to gauge where everyone is. But, ladies! We do indeed get to share that, just by knowing the other person and not demanding to be told every five fucking seconds. Thank you.

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Crazy

Day 10,084 – Thursday – 04 Vaisakh 1930 – 17 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 24 April 2008

And, on a more insane, psychotic, wacky note.

I think I am becoming old, irritating, boring, stupid and senile with age. Is that true?

Departure

Day 10,084 – Thursday – 04 Vaisakh 1930 – 17 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 24 April 2008

Life moves on; along all the one million channels known to our conscious being. Work, family, friends, love, home, office, food, music, books, television, movies, society, culture, traditions, religion, activism, freedom, slavery, anger, hatred. All the one million channels through which our existence passes on a daily basis. The threads that define our being human, our being normal, our being what we are as individuals and as members of a larger whole. Enjoying the unpredictable ebb and flow of the tides of our life’s currents we forget life. We walk past new experiences, beautiful feelings and wonderful ideas.

Then, there is the inevitable, the final departure, the ending blow, the advent of the angel of death. That brings all to a stand still and each and every moment is as strong as years. We cherish a commodity that we felt very cheap moments ago. Life.

The presence of death makes life all the more poignant.

My father’s counsin’s husband passed away last night. Great man. Without being involved in my life he made major changes in my life. This makes him my second mentor to leave this world in the past six months. What a loss. My current profession is basically due to him. One day I got a letter to sign. Signing it meant a complete change of profession and work life for the rest of my life. My father called this guy up to ask him for advice. And, he gave one heck of a piece of advise. He was an incredibly successful guy, but more importantly, he was the cause of success of others as well. What else can be asked for?

There were all the usuals. Rushing to the hospital late last night. The Namaz e Janaza when it finally hits you that the loss has taken place. Then the graveyeard. The dust. The graves. The feeling of such peaceful serenity. The final resting place. It is haunting to say the least. More so because one feels a certain bond with the peace and looks forward to the eternal departure. Not proactively, but the setting effects. But the most haunting part is the grave. So true for all of us. It is indeed where we will all go. Such a small place. Forever. Eternity. Cool, moist soil. And at the end of it all, you slide your hands ever so slightly into cool, dry, dusty soil. The fingers grazing the texture of the soil. The soil that you are to become a part of. And then the final throw. A fistful of soil thrown on the grave of a loved one.

The final departure. Such a small act. Such a complete goodbye. Forever.

Life is so precious. Yours, and that of everyone else. Enjoy it, while the tune of life plays. Gather a huge treasure of memories of your loved ones. That is all that will worry you in your final time.

Although I am still sad for his demise. I will not let go of his words. I will live a wonderful life. I will make every bit of my life beautiful, and give everyone else the same advice. Your life is beautiful, make it so.

Endorphins

Day 10,080 – Sunday – 31 Chaitra 1930 – 13 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 20 April 2008

I hate my fucking Internet Wallah Guy. Not so much because my internet connection fucking sucks and I havent had a proper internet connection for the past two weeks. But because he is not cute at all and still insists on wearing tight t shirts and ugly shorts. And, although I am definitely not averse to male displays of skin, I would rather not see this guys skin. Unless I am horny. Which, nowadays, I am not.

So, things at work are finally working out well. Quite well. And no trouble on that front. Except for the fact that I have been told that I need to talking as loudly as I do because it disturbs other people. Sure, it is ok for everyone else in the building to scream their lungs out, but I think it is wrong if I do so. And when I say scream, I mean scream! People scream, and so do I. I am not loud goddamnit!!! So shut up!

And on an important note, I have changed three hair styles in the past two weeks. Three. And I dont think I am done. There were days, when I used to have a completely different hairstyle for work and a completely different one for the evening. Does this mean that my hair are wonderful and help me become a better person? Or does this mean that I need to hire a panel of psychologists and psychiatrists who need to study me and then suggest cures? I dont know. It is up to you readers to decide. And, to be honest, all this sudden explosion of typing. Endorphins. From the exercise. I love seratonin and endorphins. Sound like Ancient Turkish Gods. And if they are; I would like to sleep with both of them. Please!

As per earlier promises of sharing of information. My diet and exercise have had an effect. I have lost some weight, and most importantly, I think I am starting to loose inches as well. Which makes my climb the ladder of the sex arena. A very very helpful thought indeed!

And yes, things with Dr Sahib are going quite well.

Action

Day 10,070 – Thursday – 21 Chaitra 1930 – 03 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 10 April 2008

Today can easily be described as a comedy of small and large errors of a non sinister fashion with a dash of incidents that have no effect whatsoever on the comedy of errors.

I got a raise at work. Something like 30%. Which means that not nearly good enough for me to be happy about it. And to think that I still behave like a loyal employee to this organization.

I went for an interview at another organization. I was called up by their HR two weeks ago. The interview went very well. They liked me and called me for another interview with the regional chief in Dubai. That went very well as well. Then four days ago, I get a call from someone in the HR department offering me a job that I had already said in the first interview that I will not be interested in. My belief in the lack of general rudimentary intelligence floundered on the shores of stupidity and idioticness. And they offer me a lower salary than I wanted. Well and good. I said no right there on the phone. Then the next day, I get a call from the HR head, he is offering me the same position and increasing the salary by a small amount. Wow. Wrong again. I do not want a dead end processing job where I can not add any value whatsoever to the organization and in doing so loose my credibility as a capable professional. So I said no. Then, today, they called me over for another meeting. I was expecting they would offer me another position. But, guess what, no no, guess what, no no, guess what, I am not telling you this, you need to guess this, because this is indeed so interesting. Well, they offered me the same position again. And told me that I dont have to reply immediately and that I have to give a reply tomorrow. So, basically, I am going to say no to them. If anything, this episode has further strengthened my resolve to hate stupid and evil people.

And then, me and my friend at work, who are both on a special diet of her design, had lunch together. I was trying to break the tikka piece, and it broke, but I got sprayed with the masala. And since nothing could be done. I had to spend the rest of my day with a huge spray of Tikka Masala on my shirt. Argh! If I werent known as wierd at my place of work, I would definitely not have been able to get away with this.

And of course, I met Doctor Sahab again. He came with a friend of his. Nice guy. Interesting evening. And, for general information, the Shawarma at Damascus is not all that good. And, again, for the same purpose of general information, the Chocolate Silk Pie at Arizone Grill is quite good. Worth the money, to say the least.

Decloset

Day 10,069 – Wednesday – 20 Chaitra 1930 – 01 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 09 April 2008

So, I came out to two friends today. Both guys, both from when I joined work. Both have been working with me for three years now. I am getting better at this. There was the initial shock at what I was actually saying. Then there was the incessant dont-joke-with-us thing. After that came the if-this-is-a-joke threat. Finally they settled down.

Being guys, I had to hear a lot of jokes! And I am sure I will.

But now, everyone around me, who I care about, knows. So, basically, I am good to go.

Barberism

Day 10,068 – Tuesday – 19 Chaitra 1930 – 30 Rabi ul Awwal 1429 – 08 April 2008

So, after much ado. After being hounded by people for the past two weeks. I got my hair cut today. As always, the fucking idiots left the side burns of different lenghts. One is slightly lower than the other. And of course the angle of the lower cut edge with the central axis of the face is different as well. Idiots. I did not tip the guy well. After shaving for years and years even I can get a very straight cut on my goatee and sideburns. How difficult is it for you if you do this for work? Not so much. With Jalal focussing on all the wrong things, you must wonder after my sanity, and I would like to thank you all for your severely mis placed concern.

You should be talking about the excessive dating that has been going on recently. I met him last night as well.

But, today, whilst having lunch with friend, one of them was quite excited and kept talking. And all that was going on in my mind was “why is she talking so much, she is grabbing all the attention, maybe if I talked a lot I could get the attention, attention is everything, it is energy, maybe I should start talking now, focus everything towards myself”. Then I stopped. Then I thought about what I was thinking. It scared me. Maybe I am completely psychotic.

This is so bad.