Effort

Day 10,085 – Friday – 05 Vaisakh 1930 – 18 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 25 April 2008

As defined by my friend AI from university, “relationships are a bitch”. Which when translated into the language of RA, the guy who sits in front of me at work, becomes, “relayshaships are a biyatch”. I love the word biyatch, it is a lot more direct and final than bitch. Moving on. Things with Doctor Sahab are going quite well. I am not going to be blogging about my relationship. I just will not. So help me God! But I will be blogging about themes of relationships that I have experienced in the past and that others have experienced. Interesting topic.

Even though I am quite psychotic, but, I do not make an effort in my relationship because I have to. I do it because of the way I feel about this thing. I do it because I want to. I have not reached the phase of commitment. Keeping in view my severe desire to keep absolutely independent whilst everyone around me adores me and makes me the centre of attention at all times, I will not be putting too much effort into this thing; because I have to. I am making the effort because I want to.

It is not because I am evil, afraid of commitment, self centered, oh and yes, “a bitch” – as per my evil friend SR from work. It is because I have just not reached that stage of this relationship.

And, as for the whole concept of demand and supple of effort, as opposed to the concept of demand and supply of products by Adam Smith, I have realized, that I do want him to make an effort. Something that scared the fucking hell out of me in each past relationship. I was told, in so many words, that I needed to make some effort. I mean, me, the paragon of nicety and selflessness, not making an effort! Let the Gods shudder!

Of course, despite being evil and sarcastic, I have not said this to Dr Sahab. I have learnt just one thing from all of my past failures at relationship management, do not tell people that they are not making an effort.

Of course, after Dr Sahab I now know how the other person feels. When the other person says, “you said you will call but you didnt. Why?” or when the other person says “you are free right now, but you are going out with friends?” and other such things. That is just not right, and it is dangerous. Because the moment you say something like that, the other person freaks the fuck out and wants to run out the nearest exit, no matter how much they like you.

Imagine a Deer, a beautiful young virile male deer with his antlers held high. Free as a buck. And then imagine an evil eyed doe, beautiful and young but with a huge noose of thorns and flesh cutting metallic protrusions. And then imagine the deer realizing that for the rest of his life, he will be held liable for every time he doesnt make a call or goes out with his friends or just needs to not pay excessive attention to the doe. Ok. So the guys get it. But the women – dont judge me, I am just the messenger of the turth of the species. Not the one who designed them.

But, the fact of the matter is that. I want effort. Because every time an effort is made, it makes me feel satisfied in the way this relationship is going. It makes clear the level of commitment of the other person. It provides me with a certainty, a finality, a sudden feeling of calm.

But, and please read this part, since I am not married to him, yet, I am not going to ask him to make an effort, because there is no other surefire way of making him run away than that. And frankly, I dont want him to make any effort that is out of the way for him. I want him to let this thing grow as naturally as it will grow. If it works out, it works out. If it doesnt, it doesnt. No artificial commitments.

Oh, and for once, I am not playing any games whatsoever.

PS – A relationship between two gay guys, who behave like straight guys as far as intimacy is concerned, is very very very very very difficult. Since there is absolutely no sharing of information on the topics of emotions and feelings, it is very dificult to gauge where everyone is. But, ladies! We do indeed get to share that, just by knowing the other person and not demanding to be told every five fucking seconds. Thank you.

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4 Comments»

  Zag wrote @

We know you are not going to talk about the doctor sahib here but you can tell us how it started.

My guess is you went to have a checkup and the doctor took advantage of the situation and did some “extensive” checkup which ofcourse you liked hence……….. ;)

  jalaluddin wrote @

Well!!! Nothing as romantic as that. I met him online. And then we decided to meet up, something I dont usually do.

  PsycheD wrote @

online eh?? which IM channel?? :P not that im interested in anyone gay….but as per fb “anything I can get” – never know!

and oh yes….when u tell someone u’ll call – then pray to God you dont die before doing so!!!

  jalaluddin wrote @

Oh please!!! I was waiting for your call !!!!

Not the other way around. If anything you are to blame completely and not me!


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