Day 10,110 – Tuesday – 30 Vaisakh 1930 – 14 Jamadi ul Awwal 1429 – 20 May 2008
Dont get me wrong. I love my family. They are everything to me. But, at the same time, they are so seriously irritating.
I dont care what they believe in, or what they think, or how they think life is to be lived, I dont care. What I do care about is to be allowed to live my life how I want to live it. Period. And I dont make the demands on them that regular sons and brothers do, I should be making a lot of noise if the food at home is not well cooked, or if any of sisters has any interaction with any man from outside the family I should make an issue out of that. They all enjoy the freedoms of a society which believes in live and let live but at the same time deny me the same. So confusing.
On top of this, when I asked my mom that I wanted to move out, because they were not ready to accept me and I was not ready to reform myself, and I still wanted to lead a life that could make me happy. Every time she cried. It is not crying. It is blackmail. Her reaction scared me and I didnt talk to anyone else about it, because I cared for her. And when it become unbearable a couple of months ago, I told me father about the same. He told me that since I never talked to him about this, he is not to blame. How can any human being ask for something due to which someone so close to them has been crying about.
I was about to move out a couple of months ago. Then again I see my mother crying. So I decided against it. Yes, I agree, as per what they say, they didnt ask me to stay, but who would, what low life does something when someone else is crying in front of them. Could there have possibly been any other option in this whole world.
My family will never be happy at how I want to live. They do not believe in letting other people live their lives, they believe in their extremist interventionist lifestyle. If I can not be who I am and I am forced to live a lie I will be miserable. If I dont, my family will be miserable, and that would make me miserable.
All of you regulars to my blog have heard this before, but here it comes again.
Back to square one. Basically, no option of being happy in life. Since there is no possible way for me to be happy in this life, because I am never going to be allowed to. I have no idea what to do now.
To people out there reading this, please let people live. Please. Dont make their lives miserable simply because you can. Do not force your ideas on them. Do not consistently tell them what to do, they may not resist you, but they resent it. Do not treat everything they say as disrespect and opposition.
And to all the women out there who have a role in our lives as mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. Dont you dare cry. You have no idea what it does to us. For you it is an evil game through which you get us to do what you want us to do. To us it is painful. You have no idea, because to you it is a tool.