Day 10,293 – Saturday – 29 Agrahayana 1930 – 21 Zilhaj 1429 – 20 December 2008
Ok. So this is definitely not good. But I am in my depression phase again. I guess this has become so common for me that I can talk about it with a reasonable amount of detachment. With all the anger and hatred targeted at my parents, even though I came out to them, and told them that I am this way, they keep pestering me about getting married and they did not let me move out of the house, even though I could have. I dont think I can forgive them, or I will, or I may, I just know that I have anger and hatred against them. And then there is the inevitable feeling of having lost five years of my life fighting with my parents on this one topic. It is a very long period of life, and I felt I was caged, and I want my time back, but alas, it is the greatest of wishes that can not be fulfilled. And I am angry at myself for not having the courage to tell my parents that even if it will hurt them, and they will disown me, and despite everything, I want to live alone.
See, the thing is that I wanted everything. I wanted to be happy. I just thought that being parents they will allow me to make the choices that will direct my life. They did allow it, but on the other hand my mother cried every time I mentioned it. Fuck this. I will just keep rambling on and on about these issues in my life. I am going to go put on the TV.
All I can hope for is that during this bout of depression, I dont end up with the cut marks on the wrists like the last time. I hope I am able to reason with myself.