Day 10,293 – Saturday – 29 Agrahayana 1930 – 21 Zilhaj 1429 – 20 December 2008

Ok. So this is definitely not good. But I am in my depression phase again. I guess this has become so common for me that I can talk about it with a reasonable amount of detachment. With all the anger and hatred targeted at my parents, even though I came out to them, and told them that I am this way, they keep pestering me about getting married and they did not let me move out of the house, even though I could have. I dont think I can forgive them, or I will, or I may, I just know that I have anger and hatred against them. And then there is the inevitable feeling of having lost five years of my life fighting with my parents on this one topic. It is a very long period of life, and I felt I was caged, and I want my time back, but alas, it is the greatest of wishes that can not be fulfilled. And I am angry at myself for not having the courage to tell my parents that even if it will hurt them, and they will disown me, and despite everything, I want to live alone.

See, the thing is that I wanted everything. I wanted to be happy. I just thought that being parents they will allow me to make the choices that will direct my life. They did allow it, but on the other hand  my mother cried every time I mentioned it. Fuck this. I will just keep rambling on and on about these issues in my life. I am going to go put on the TV.

All I can hope for is that during this bout of depression, I dont end up with the cut marks on the wrists like the last time. I hope I am able to reason with myself.


  utp wrote @ sometimes gets very difficult to comment here Jalal…being really honest…

All I can say is…may Allah guide you to what is best for you…and your family…AAMEEN…

  F. wrote @

Hang in there.Friends help.

  F. wrote @

Listen,about the cutting,any time you feel the urge coming on,try to lie down,ankles crossed,one hand underneath,and cellphone in the other,smsing someone who can reason with you because you may not listen to yourself.

  Pakistani wrote @

I think depression is a self created problem of Pakistanis.

  Not real name wrote @

May be you should really cut yourself… And stop wallowing in self pity and beg without begging for pity from all the other idiots who put dumb comments here. Man get a life.

  Afaque wrote @

Well they must have been thinking that getting you married will be the solution of PROBLEM… but I guess that will add in to and nothing else…
it might go against you but with your parents if they at all want you to get straight… they must get you an excellent counseling instead of crying and lamenting… aint it?

  Decadent wrote @

All you need is more wedding food. I find it strangely therapeutic! O Brother, where are thou?

  Alive and Gay in Pakistan « Pak Tea House wrote @

[…] let me move out of the house, even though I could have,” he wrote in December on his blog, Tuzk-e-Jalali. “I don’t think I can forgive them, or I will, or I may, I just know that I have anger […]

  Asiya wrote @

Every person has different believes. Some people find relief in religion and some in other superficial items. It may sound typical NASIHAT and LECTURE but the only solution (that atleast i find whenever i am depressed) is to talk with GOD because HE is the only source that can really DO something for US….

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