Archive for Envy

Cellphone

Day 10,279 – Saturday – 15 Agrahayana 1930 – 07 Zilhaj 1429 – 06 December 2008

A cell phone, like a laptop, is an extension of a person. Much like daggers and horses and shields used to be in an earlier age. And since these gadgets are an extension of one’s personality they are loved and cherished.

On the record, I love my Mac. My mac is closer to me than sex with Val Kilmer. Six times. After that I will loose interest in him and return to the laptop anyways, so there is no need going there.

I just love to see the bright glowing apple logo on my mac at night. It is magical.

But, now, I have started to hate my cellphone. Fuck you Motorola. I am a loyal fucking customer and your phones are fucking crap. My battery dies down very soon. I dont have my fucking phone working for about 25% each day. Fuck you motorola fuck you.

I slept with my mac last night. And it felt good. I preferred the whirring of my laptop next to my pillow rather than the feel of your cold steely sexy body with my hand under the pillow. I hate you!!! I cheated on you and it felt good.

Die bitch!

Likeness

Day 10,029 – Friday – 21 Safar 1429 – 10 Phalgul 1929 – 29 February 2008

Now, I know I am a self centered narcissist. I also know that one of my many fantasies is having to spend all my time with 100 perfect humans who keep asking me about myself (read, I am their centre of attention and thoughts) and who keep telling me about just how absolutely perfect and good I am (read, I am the most perfect being on the planet). And then, I actually have the audacity, to tell myself that I am not competitive. Bah, humbug! Oh, and yes, if this was not enough, I have started talking to myself in the car again. And, the person on the passenger seat, now talks in a British accent. I am very very worried about him. And me.

After saying all this, the general level of evilness of my friends becomes apparent after the following things happen to me.

So, like all normal 27 year old human beings, I saw someone in another car who looked at least more than 97% like me. Exactly, so, like all normal people, I sent the following sms to about 17 of my close family and friends “I just saw someone who looks exactly like me “. I expected everyone else to call me up immediately and telling me that they think it is an absolutely amazing occurence and can not go to work for the next one week because they are completely awed by this mundane detail of my life. And I expected at least one of them coming up with the statement that they cannot think anymore because of the profound nature of my revelation and end up spending their life writing two books about me and my ideas.

But, like self centered hags, I get the following replies,

Little Sister – Let me guess mustafa kamal:p? – Note – Too sarcastic.
Middle Sister – Who, when, where ??? Did he see u ??? – Note – Too confused.
Guy who sits two desks from mine – AH – Must have been sacred… So now u know how v feel – Note – You misspelt scared, bitch!
Best guy friend colleague – HS – No way.
Best guy friend colleague – HS – You are unique ma luv – Note – Too dismissive.
Female friend colleague – SR – Oh god! Not possible – Note – Too virulent.
Dad – How much
Dad – Met him? – Note – Too engrossed
Colleague who used to sit behind me – NA – Hehe :-) well now u r not the only one who is lovingly chubby. And U must be feeling very jealous now. – Note  – I am NOT chubby.
Best girl friend colleague – SS – Oh my god is that even possible :-/ – Note – Too hateful.
So, basically, when they do end up giving me a lot of attention, I call them names and dismiss them. And when they dont, I hate them for judgeing.

I so seriously fucking need to; a – get laid; b – get laid again 10 mins after the first time; c – see a shrink; and d – not drive the shrink nutso.

Egg eating competition

Saturday – 08 Rajab 1424 – 15 Bhadra 1925 – 06 September 2003 

well here i am am. it is 1211 here. i have been awake since 1120. no breakfast nothing. i have only two rupees in my pocket. which can buy me one candy. or two if i get cheap ones that taste aweful. and i am hungry. there is nothing that can barelu resemble uncooked food. i am at my cousins. he is snoring so loud. i think ill put up a sound energy plant and produce enough energy to light gambia and maybe even senegal.

that said. i am hungry. i love breakfast. i LOVE breakfast. but then again i love lunch and dinner as well. but i love eggs. i have a thing for eggs. it is not only in my mind it has been proven. one day a crooked aunt just to break my pride told me she will make as many eggs as she can and that she will show me that i will stop in the middle of the eggs and not eat as many as i get like i boast.

it was on! i hated her. she disliked me. we had even spread a few rumours about each other in the past. she had called me feminine. she had actually called me feminine!!! i wasnt gonna take that. i had told someone that she didnt pass college but she failed and tells everyone she has passed. :) people bought it. look i am sorry. but i am evil evil person. even in bed. ;)

so well it was less of a competition and more of a WAR. sortof like the situation in india-pakistan cricket matches. since we arent gonig to fight a war inshallah due to the nukes. and since we dont have cricket matches. so when we do have them it is like do or die. but i digress, more about the whole india-pakistan cricket match scenario later on.

now it is about the “egg war” and the “battle of the breakfast area” as i like to call it. well i wont walk you guys through it but lets say. after 13 eggs. i had won :). she was too tired to make any more. and she was also mindful of the expense she had gone through. so lets just say. crooked aunt 17 – jalal 18. ;) ahhhh the spirit of competition. i am a nice person until someone else starts to compete with me. then i turn into an evil maniac.

i have actually hidden/thrown away a guys toothbrush coz he was trying to cut me off in a conversation. well it is not fair. you try talking and someone cutting you off every 2 minutes. once or twice it is ok. but when you realize that someone is trying to sabotage you you get mad. so did i. well more about my violent competitions later on.

and oh yes. remind me to post about the day when my pants were ripped ;)

and something beautiful that i read at crash.

I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library. -Jorge Luis Borges

Phone Bell

Tuesday – 13 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 21 Sravana 1925 – 12 August 2003 

.hmmmmm. after thinking too much over whether to call or not to call. today i finally worked up the nerve to call him. A.A. that is. yey for me and my progressing relationship.

we were having tea when i saw a phone booth. voila. well i went there. hands trembling. heart fluttering. will he like me ? will i like him ? will he sweep me off my feet with his voice ? will he like my voice ? yes yes i know it is just a phone call. but it is my first to some guy that i am interested in and he knows that too. a big jump in our relationship. the next level. the level where we not only see characters on the screen from each other but also listen to each others voice and emotions. VERY intimate keeping in view my track record.

well i called finally. no one picked up. i called again. same thing. i can accept this for a home phone. but how dumb do you have to be to leave your cellphone unattended for about half an hour. well i called about 5 times and every time no one picked up. all my expectations in vain. all my desires in the dust. all my passions washed away. so i am going to turn into a MEGA HE bitch :)

A.A. mail me and apologize. NOW !

otherwise the day was VERY VERY dull the only other things of interest would include me opening the mouse from behind (i know, dirty) and cleaning the dirt from the ball. and also me dropping about three tables spoons of water when i tried to drink it hastily in the afternoon.

yes. that is just how boring my life can get at times. :)

oh and i forgot. today my boss told me that a certain word means XYZ in urdu. but i told him it meant ABC and that he was wrong basically. we looked each other in the eyes. i so fucking knew i was right. so i went to my desk immediately and got a lughat(urdu dictionary). he was right. i was wrong. i have never been that ashamed in my life. first for not knowing the meaning of a word in urdu. then for acting like such a prick with such a nice guy as my boss. so now i am thinking of showering him with a few rewards so he does not hate me for my obvious character flaws. example make sure he knows as soon as the tea comes so he can have it hot. also to make sure i clean his desk with a tissue because he hates when there is thin file of dust on it.

awwwwww. i am so cute. ;). and so maternal. EWWWW !!! no !!! (neanderthal accent) i am man. i eat meat. i kill deer. i cook deer. i tear flesh. ahhhhhhhhhhh. thank goodness. for a moment there i though i was overacting with the maternal thing.

have fun y’all. and yes, you donot have to tell me. todays post WAS nice.

Romantique

Sunday – 11 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 19 Sravana 1925 – 10 August 2003    

Hmmm. Just wrote a LONG post that got erased. I AM SUCH A MORON!

Well I have been meeting all these wonderful people on MIRC for the past two nights. Old friends. New People who are amazingly cool.

This is all good. Keeps my belief in ‘Gay Supremacy’ alive.

Well I do not know why but I am feeling amazingly romantic tonight. VERY romantic. So I am wallowing in the feeling while I can. After this I will put on some of Mehdi Hasan’s Ghazals. And lose myself to the music and fate. ;).

Oh I have put it on already. Well tata all of you. I will spare you my words. Have fun and enjoy.

*mehdi hasan*

phool hi phool khil uthay meray paymanay main

aap kya aaye bahar aa gaee mae khanay main

Anyone from Pakistan with a taste for classical. ASK me for the file I will DCC it to you on MIRC or do whatever. You HAVE to hear it.

Shame

Sunday – 11 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 19 Sravana 1925 – 10 August 2003   

whoever searched for “gay pakistani sexy sleeping wear” on yahoo

SHAME ON YOU !!!

:)

Relatives

Wednesday – 07 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 15 Sravana 1925 – 06 August 2003   

ohhhh such a wonderful day. i went to meet some relatives today. my grandfathers uncle and aunt. their children. and their children. some on them over from the us for the summers. some from the uk. and some from australia. it was wonderful. meeting relatives that you dont meet so often. specially when they are such nice people.

it was wonderful. i was the only guy there in his mid 20s. rest were about 3 girls in their teens. and about 10 kids. :). and also 5 old people. and 2 VERY old people. so i was the centre of attention. you know. the young people. who are the life of the gathering. with their jokes an puns and all. wow. i felt wonderful. it was very nice. the auntie from london was wonderful. so funny. i liked her immediately. she is like one of those wonderful aunties at family gatherings who everyone else sortof hovers around.

well it was a small house. not a mansion or a palace. but it was nice. we were all sitting on the second floor. there is this small terrace. with a fan. a wonderful breeze. two ‘charpais’. it is so wonderful when you sortof have to sit in a space that is not large enough. but it is breezy and windy and cheerful. and you all are having so much fun.

the women are all gossiping. the men are trying not to get bored to death. i love a good gossip now and then. “oh did you hear ….”. and then there is the “you know XYZ … she is always like that”. always the “you know … my inlaws”(HUGE EYE ROLL) understanding nod form everyone else a few hmmms and yeas. and then there is the “you know … my sons/daughters inlaws”(HUGER EYE ROLL) understanding nod form everyone else a few hmmms and yeas and sometimes even a “those people”.

and in such scenarios there is always a discussion on religion. when everyone tries to tell each other what to do. everyone accepts what everyone else says. everyone adds to the general amount of dos and donts. oh dont eat non-halal meat. do read this prayer 15 times in the morning. oh XYZ in haram you cant do that. but CDEFG is considered a very good act. oh did you know i heard ABC say XYZ.

well since i am not religious i dont know such stuff. but i keep a small library for such occasions. well i told the most things. they were all VERY liberal things. but the others managed to accept them. i was instant hit. i guy who is funny and nice. as well as religious. and just the right age to get hitched. many older women talked to my mom about getting me married. most marriages in pakistan are arranged. so you can well imagine. all i could say was “(NERVOUS) ehehehe not until i am 28”

all in all it was a wonderful evening. nothing like meeting a lot of relatives after some time. and sitting out in the open air. fans and charpais and tables. lots to eat and lots to talk about. it was a wonderful evening.