Archive for breakdown
Monday – 12 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 20 Sravana 1925 – 11 August 2003
my life is one big miserable hell. i know i know here he goes again but it is. i hate it. for the past three years i have been severely depressed and severely elated by turns. a friend once told another friend about me that i am mentally unstable. well he was right. i am. right now i am severely depressed. actually suicidally depressed. that is coz i am home. a different concept for most people. not for me. i hate being home.
well i dont know why i am writing this post but i am writing it. i hate this life. if an angel were to come and give me a choice to die i will take it immadiately. but with one condition noone should get hurt. noone else should get hurt because i am a coward. my cowardice should not be their fault. why should someone suffer for someone elses sefish desire to end unbearable pain day in and day out.
another reason why i havent managed to commit suicide yet is because i am an idiot. i care too much about people. i nearly went through with it in college. but when i was about to drink something i realized i had just had a horrible fight with a friend. if i do this he can blame himself. i would destroy his life. which i dont want. i just want mine to end without anyone elses being destroyed. same is the case right now. i am NOT getting along with my mom. she knows it. if i FUCKING kill myself she will think it has something to do with her. GODDMANIT !!! cant i just fucking kill myself without thinking over it a million times.
oh i seem to stopped my fucking suicidal ranting. so i shall continue with it. i cannot drink this fucking bottle of medicine in front of me because i am a fucking human who has relations. and they will get too fucking hurt if i drink it. so the only thing i can do is look at it longingly. make believe i drink it. and die and am released of this pain. but i cant do it. GODDAMNIT !!! i hate this.
i have lost all hope and belief in life. i dont want to life. i dont want to continue this neverending cycle of pain and sorrow for myself. i dont want to live. i would die happily were it not for the lives of people linked with me. why why why. if allah made me like this why couldnt he have made it so i dont have anyone to think about before i drink that bottle.
i am so sorry i am doing this to all of you who have to read this. i am so sorry. but i dont care any more. it is because i care that i am alive and not dead. it is because i care that i didnt drink that bottle and am still fucking here. i am so sorry to put this all on you. i made this blog as an emotional release. but now i have gotten to know some of you so well that i cannot hurt you. but you dont know. thank god. at least i can talk about what i think. at least we dont know each other that well.
DAMNIT … now i will have to make a private blog where i can say all this. and not feel as if it will effect anyone. please please. if you can understand what i wrote. please do not get affected by what i said. just read it and try to learn from but. but dont feel it. i would not want to be someone who causes anyone pain or sorrow. i just want all this to end. with noone feeling any pain or sorrow for me. my family happy.
sometimes i think i will go and have sex with another man and come home drunk and tell my family. then commit suicide. maybe they will think it is for the best. but i cant. because then my family will keep thinking that they had a son why didnt he turn out like any other normal person. i dont want to let them down. but fuck man i have let every one down. i have let everyone down. even myself. damn it. damn it all.
Thursday – 30 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 09 Sravana 1925 – 31 July 2003
hi all of you out there.
first of all i would like to apologize for yesterdays outburst. just some problems i am going through. shouldnt have thrown it all on you guys like that.
well one thing that i should tell all of you that read this blog. i have seen a lot of people blog about being in bad moods and such. but for me when i am in a bad mood. all my negative emotions, thoughts and feelings are directed towards me. i am everything that is wrong. never someone else. so when i do get in a bad mood i get nasty against me. nothing to get worried or concerned about ok. it is my format for a bad mood.
also when i am in a bad mood i tend to get very graphic. you should thank allah i dont type this thing in urdu. which is my mother tongue. if i did. most of you would just freeze in shock reading what kinds of things i think when i am in a bad mood and also do not shirk from writing down.
and francis i am NOT scum. i just thought i was for about 5 hours yesterday. and next time i am in a bad mood i will make it a point to read your comment to cheer me up.
also mak and crash. thank you very much. means a lot to know there are people out there.
Wednesday – 29 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 08 Sravana 1925 – 30 July 2003
i am scum. i am fucking scum. i am the worst human ever on the face of this fucking planet. i am a curse sent down by allah upon my parents for their past sins. i am a curse sent down by allah upon my sisters for their future sins. i just wish there was some fucking way of dying without pulling my whole family through the trauma. if only there were a way for me to end this miserable existence and noone to get hurt now or ever.