Archive for car

Cake

Day 10,106 – Friday – 26 Vaisakh 1930 – 10 Jamadi ul Awwal 1429 – 16 May 2008

If stupidity were Gold my office would be glittering.  But, one manages to live with idiots. And enjoy them all the same. Of course when you are making fun of someone with a stright face, it just makes things so beautiful.

And, things are also made beautiful when it is your friend’s brithday. You tell them you are not having cake because of your diet, and your resolve to find good sex, and they dont listen to you. Two of your colleagues grab you and your arms. And the birthday girl, who I hate for now, crams an extra large piece of creamy, soft, melty, delicious, chocolate cake into my face. From that moment onwards, I love chocolate cake. And I love my friend for force feeding me. Of course, the fact that in the action half of it fell on my tie and my incredibly ugly shirt does leave a lot to be desired. So, walking around the office with chocolate cake splotches on my shirt is definitely not something anyone reading this should try.

Oh, and yes, if this does happen to you, and someone mentions it, please, please, please, do not tell them to “You can lick it off if you want to, I can take my shirt off to help you out”. Because then she/he can always slap you.

I tried both, using this on a guy and a girl, same reaction.

Oh and yes, I forgot to post the rules of engagment on the back seat of my car. As you all know, if I know you, then I can drive you around Karachi as you engage in any level of activities in the back seat of my car. That was a given. But, I should have posted the rules for this. The rules are,

1 – Either one of you has to be cute. I decide. Or I can call it off without any reaction whatsoever.
2 – I can sneak a peek.
3 – I dont have to join if I dont want to. Dont ask me, give me reasonable hints, I will revert back if I am interested.
There. That is it.
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Car

Friday – 19 Ziqaad 1428 – 09 Agrahayana 1929 – 30 November 2007

As opposed to the evil assertions made by certain people through comments, I had intended to tell everyone about my new car. And what I have been doing with it. And since you all know by now that I am quite fucking crazy, and that I can do things that are wierd and strange. I will give a synopsis of my relationship with the car in a point list format.

01 – Company = Toyota.
02 – Vehicle = Vitz.
03 – Model = 05′ the new shape one.
04 – Distance = About 3,000 Kms.
05 – Engine Power = 1,300 CC.
06 – Transmission = Transmission.
07 – Car Fuck = 0-100 in about 15 seconds.
08 – Car Super Fuck = 0-140 in about 50 seconds.
09 – Car Screaming Daddy Dont Stop You Are Going Way To Fast Super Fuck (CSDDSYAGWTFSF) = 146 Kms/Hr.
10 – Location of CSDDSYAGWTFSF = Mai Kolachi Bypass, which is within the city.
11 – Feeling During CSDDSYAGWTFSF = Hell fucking Yea!
12 – Orgasm equivalent of feeling during CSDDSYAGWTFSF = 3.18.
13 – Dangerous accident near misses = 1. (Kind of my fault, I have reformed since then)
14 – Slight accident near misses = 3. (None of my fault at all, I have still reformed since then)
15 – Mileage = 11 kms per litre.
16 – Radio Settings = Japanese, so I get only 70 MHz to 90 MHz, which means that I get only one Pakistani FM Channel, 89.
17 – Tinting = Back windows.
18 – Tyres = Tubeless.
19 – Flats to Date = 2.
20 – Rims = Allow Rims. (They turn me on every time)
21 – Front lights that have exploded for no fucking reason whatsoever = 1 out of 4.
22 – Exploded front lights not fixed = 1 out of 1.
23 – Steering Wheel = Grooves fit my hand.
24 – Number of glove compartments used = 3 out of 3.
25 – Speedometer positioning = Exact centre of the Dash Board.
26 – Number of very slight scratches due to my accidents = 2.
27 – Number of very slight previous scrateches = 3.
28 – Colour = Silver Metallic.
29 – Maximum number of passengers = 5 out of 5 spaces.
30 – Expected passengers for Sunday = 7.
31 – Folding back seats = 2 out of 2.
32 – Times it takes to open the trunk since I dont know how = 2 – 5 minutes.
33 – Distance travelled by me = about 700 Kms.
34 – Number of times felt sorry about buying the car = 0.
35 – Number of times felt sorry for other not owning the car = 89,873,849.
36 – Number of times I have stroked my car with love = 3 (I can feel the shame now)
37 – Number of times I have opened the hood just to learn about cars = 6.
38 – Of (37) number of times I had grease on my hands = 1.
39 – Of (38) number of times I felt gross = 1.
40 – Of (38) number of times I felt horny = 1.
41 – Loss of Car Cigarette Smoking Virginity = Yes.
42 – Loss of Car Joint Smoking Virginity = Yes.
43 – Loss of Car Alcohol Consumption Virginity = No.
44 – Loss of Car Making Out Virginity = No.
45 – Loss of Car Sex Virginity = No.
46 – Loss of Car Another Couple Having Sex Virginity = No. But I have actually during writing this comment realized that I think it will be amazingly hot for me to do this, so, all applications are welcome, you have to come with a partner, and I will be allowed to peek.

One issue that I have with the car is the frikking Japanese FM settings. I need to find out how to tackle that and take care of the thing because at times one does want to listen to other radio channels.

After having an Automatic car for about a month, I feel that the rest of life of driving cars was an absolute waste and I should be spanked till thoroughly pinkish-red as a punishment for this (applications welcome).

And finally, the car has so much fucking space. I have amazing leg space. If someone sits behind my seat, even they have amazing leg space. Amazing amont of space in the car. Unbelievable.

Development

Thursday – 18 Ziqaad 1428 – 08 Agrahayana 1929 – 29 November 2007

There are times when you can not help but wonder whether you have turned out to be the sort of a person that you would have wanted to be one, three, five, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years ago in life? And what is the answer, I don’t know. We pass through so many things, in my case usually psychotic, or insane that you can always end up rationalizing what you have turned into. Jalal, you have turned into a psychotic slut. Thank you for informing me, but I knew that already, as well as having an ardent hope of turning out to be as psychotic but much more sluttier with time.

I dont know whether it is the advent of winter, or the sudden stop to my developing nervous breakdown that has made me so seriously horny nowadays. Of course this question can not be answered and is better left alone. One of my idiot friends at work thinks it is because of my excessive intake of eggs. I mean, how the fuck does three eggs a day make me horny. If it is really all that frikking potent I will just take a jug of eggs and cram it down OC’s throat and lie naked in front of him. Of course his manager will object to such behaviour in the office. For those of you wondering about this, OC is definitely my lust for the time being. He has been for about six to eight months. And I so pretty fucking sure that he is gay. I think ill make a move on him. Wish me luck and intact organs for tomorrow.

And then there is this other guy. He is on the floor below mine. Medium Height, Goatee, Bald, Bushy Eyebrows, seemingly quite hairy and a very ectomorphic build with no extra pounds anywhere. I think I am in love with him. Hmmmm, so how do I go and introduce myself to him and then eventually tell him that my car is a wonderful place to travel around in Karachi and get lost in dark alleys. Again, wish me luck and intact organs for that occasion.

Hmmmmm. It is winter again, and I must apologize for all the testosteone.

Oh, and yes, I absolutely completely adore and love my new car.

Car

Thursday – 06 Rajab 1424 – 13 Bhadra 1925 – 04 September 2003 

hmmmm. well lets say that life is fine. things are going ok. slow and steady. my cousin persists on smoking like a train. and i persist on trying to stop him. we both stay on our own tracks.

and after that i drove my car from my cousins house to my own. my first car ride. yey. well it was much better than i thought. i didnt kill anyone or destroy my car. well i didnt hit it at all with anything. hmmmm.

well i love to drive. from now on. i will always love it. it is wonderful. but it was nice. more details later.