Archive for closet

Frozen Shoulder

Day 10,483 – Sunday – 07 Asadha 1930 – 04 Rajab ul Murajjab 1430 – 28 June 2009

I guess all of you guys will have to get used to the fact that I will, from now on, be blogging very irregularly, as in once a quarter or something. Work and other things in life have just become very extreme and do not allow enough time for blogging. I have no idea why, but that is how it is.

So, for now, I am going to have the following goals in life, I want to learn how to speak French and Farsi and I want to learn Horseriding, Swordfighting, Archery and Shooting and I want to be able to write regularly and I want to have a top of the line caravan that I can spend the rest of my life travelling in.

And, I want to have emotion free sex with millions of strangers in exotic cities, locations and places.

But, one does not get everything one wants, and one must learn to live as they are.

In other news, one of the reasons for not blogging for the past three months would be the fear elicited by the fact that my blog has been quoted in both an Indian newspaper / online news source, and now and American one. The closet door is being banged at very hard. For all the actions where I have come out of the closet to my family and friends does not mean that I am ready to do it officially. Not in Pakistan. I can not. Sorry. So, since this blog has started coming into international media showcasing Pakistani homosexuals, I would have to request you people to at least not try to knock on the closet door.

From this I would wonder why we even use the term closet door? Why?

And I will leave you to that.

Oh and yes, the guy who plays Kirk in the new Star Trek, Chris Pine. Fucking yummy.

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Decloset

Day 10,069 – Wednesday – 20 Chaitra 1930 – 01 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 09 April 2008

So, I came out to two friends today. Both guys, both from when I joined work. Both have been working with me for three years now. I am getting better at this. There was the initial shock at what I was actually saying. Then there was the incessant dont-joke-with-us thing. After that came the if-this-is-a-joke threat. Finally they settled down.

Being guys, I had to hear a lot of jokes! And I am sure I will.

But now, everyone around me, who I care about, knows. So, basically, I am good to go.

Friendship

Saturday – 10 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 18 Sravana 1925 – 09 August 2003    

well tonight was mind blowing. actually i am in shock as i post. maybe ill post later on as well when i am all calm.

the thing is i have a very old friends. a very good friend. and we met on the internet tonight. on a gay chat channel. and well we talked a little. and we realized it is us.

the first person in the world who i came out to(except 3 friends in college). and it was wonderful. and i was the first person who he came out to about whome he wasnt sure that they were gay.

the only thing i can say. WOW. coming out to someone. WOW OWO WOW OWO WOW !!!

well i can only say. best of luck you man. best of luck. and also i am always here for you. apparently he read my blog.

Sulking

Monday – 05 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 13 Sravana 1925 – 04 August 2003 

i tought i was upset in the day. boy was i ever prepared for this. i am much more upset now. i asked my boss to let me off and ill work extra the next few days. he said ok. so i am here at home. sitting infront of the computer. sulking.

i dont know what to do. it is different for every person. it is different for every family. i am horrified at the thought that i might have to tell them that i am gay. i have an exact idea how they will react. and i have an exact idea how my exact idea is wrong.

i opened this page. but i dont know what to write. i dont know. it is so insane. i hate this moment.

and now for something uncommon to my blog, political thoughts. i am very very pissed at mr george bush. the defender of christendom against the attacks of the saracen hordes. first for attacking afghanistan without proof. then for attacking iraq without proof. then for threatening ever muslim country larger than rhode island. what the hell is the problem with the current kkk infested neo con us government. why the hell dont they focus on americas problems. fix your own country first. of course there are problems in america that hundreds of americans talk about. fix that first.

now i will leave. take a long long long bath. and go to sleep. good eveing. shab ba khair

Suffocation in the Closet

Monday – 05 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 13 Sravana 1925 – 04 August 2003 

i am very upset today. this will be a long post. so brace yourselves.

well here in pakistan the patters of hanging out are very different. for example the guys in our street hang out in our street. we sit somewhere or stand somewhere. and keep talking. keep making jokes. or keep making fun of someone. that is what we do. at times for hours on end. that is how we hang out.

when we make fun of each other we talk about all things. well day before yesterday one of the guys called me gay. and i asked him to come inside to my room and ill prove myself. everyone laughed. it was like a jalal 1 – opponent 0 moment. i won. hundreds of other such things happened. i forgot about this happening that very day.

what is bothering me is my mom overheard me saying that. well i am not masculine. i am feminine. so my family suspects that there is something wrong. also i think someone once thought she saw me watching pics of guys. so they suspect. well after what my mom heard yesterday she was completely shocked.

she talked to my cousin about this. yesterday. she told him what she heard. she told him about the other incident. she told him about my not having a girl friend. she told him she was very concerned. she told him she cannot sleep. she is having migraine again. she is worried as hell. she is being strange with me. its like she doesnt know how to talk to me any more.

my cousin told her there is nothing like that. he told her all the guys from the gali(street) say such stuff to each other. nothing to worry about. then she calmed down.

but that is not the problem. the problem is what do i do. i cannot tell her about my being gay. it will just kill her. i mean come on this isnt europe where people will deal with it. in pakistan i am a thing. i am not a person i am a thing. i am the man who caused allah to send down an azaab(destruction) on the people of lut. i am that person. i am a sinner. i am a man who will go to hell. i am that thing.

well my mom will be easy to explain things to. she is a woman and a mother. what about my dad. good god in heaven. he is a policeman. i think i dont need to tell anything else. he is like this masculine guy. who i am sure has been making fun of feminine and gay guys for the last 30 years. at least. on a daily basis. for him to find out that i am gay. WHOA ! it will kill him. or maybe it will kill me.

god damn it. i just wish i didnt have to deal with this. but i do. i am just thinking of getting permanent in my job and settling down. maybe then i can talk to them. i dont know. anytime i tell them it will hurt them a lot. oh god. damn it. this sux. i cannot do this. also my sisters. they are so young. for them being gay so much more worse. they wont even understand what my parents will.

i am completely ok being gay with myself. but when my family comes in i wish i were straight. or i wish i had a brother. i am an only son. a concept lost on westerners. but asians will understand exactly what it means to be an only son. and being gay on top of that.

for the last 22 years ammi and abbu have been thinking about me. about how they will find the perfect girl for me. about how i will have a wonderful family life. about how i will have all the best in life. about how they will be proud of their only son. well that cant fucking happen now can it. i am fucking gay. no marriage. no family. no normal life. also i will go to hell. a proof of their failure as parents. god i hate this.

now i dont know what to do. i am angry and sad and i dont know what i am feeling. maybe guilt. i dont know.

Search

Sunday – 12 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 22 Asadh 1925 – 13 July 2003

i live in a city with 11 million other people. doing the math there should be a lot of people who can be my boyfriend. but i havent found one. man. well gay life here is a little subdued. so i meet people over the net. over the net there are two catagories of men. those who are pigs and those who i dont like. well that said let me proceed.

usually every conversation starts with a person being reasonable and normal. then with time you think maybe this is a decent human being. but you end up saying no. everyone wants to meet after the first chat or conversation. and i want to tell them to take it slow. but no. they want to meet and have sex after the first interaction. so these are the kind of people who are basically looking for sex than a relationship. man this sux. then there are the people who are nice and normal. but no spark. actually when i realize that i dont like someone. they usually turn out to be decent reasonable human beings. all this sux man. it is very hard coping with this. in a city of 11 million there has got to be someone. but i havent found him yet. maybe i will maybe i wont. but comeon a guys gotta have what a guys gotta have. well maybe i am just overreacting after an irc chat last night. i really liked the guy. one of the few who i actually liked. but he ends up asking to meet me. i tell him with time. and hes like. he has to have sex. and i am tell him that he is a pig. then he tells me to fuck off and leaves. and i am left sitting on the chair thinking. what an asshole. well that is past me. i wont think about that again.

another thing that nearly scared me to death yesterday. while i was writing my previous post. my sister sortof crept up on me. she is very young and probably didnt read anything. she just wanted to scare me. and WHOA she did that. my family doesnt know i am gay. well they would have found out if she read the post. well thank god she didnt. i am going to be more careful from now on.

also there is suddenly this pressure on me for getting married and settling down. i dont know what to do. completely stuck. well ill keep you guys posted about how it works out. what excuses i use to keep my marriage away. and what not. i hate this. why cant people just be allowed to be gay if they are gay. why does society have to put so many limitations on us.