Archive for colleagues

Elevator

Day 10,256 – Monday – 22 Asvina 1930 – 13 Shawwal 1429 – 13 October 2008

So, me and AH had a playful fistfight, hair pulling, punching, kicking match in the elevator the other day. What I dont understand is why the other people in the elevator being being so irritable. I hate prudes.

Oh, and yes, if you have a goatee or some other form of interesting mustache and beard combo. Keep it. It is so fucking hot.

Advertisements

Cake

Day 10,106 – Friday – 26 Vaisakh 1930 – 10 Jamadi ul Awwal 1429 – 16 May 2008

If stupidity were Gold my office would be glittering.  But, one manages to live with idiots. And enjoy them all the same. Of course when you are making fun of someone with a stright face, it just makes things so beautiful.

And, things are also made beautiful when it is your friend’s brithday. You tell them you are not having cake because of your diet, and your resolve to find good sex, and they dont listen to you. Two of your colleagues grab you and your arms. And the birthday girl, who I hate for now, crams an extra large piece of creamy, soft, melty, delicious, chocolate cake into my face. From that moment onwards, I love chocolate cake. And I love my friend for force feeding me. Of course, the fact that in the action half of it fell on my tie and my incredibly ugly shirt does leave a lot to be desired. So, walking around the office with chocolate cake splotches on my shirt is definitely not something anyone reading this should try.

Oh, and yes, if this does happen to you, and someone mentions it, please, please, please, do not tell them to “You can lick it off if you want to, I can take my shirt off to help you out”. Because then she/he can always slap you.

I tried both, using this on a guy and a girl, same reaction.

Oh and yes, I forgot to post the rules of engagment on the back seat of my car. As you all know, if I know you, then I can drive you around Karachi as you engage in any level of activities in the back seat of my car. That was a given. But, I should have posted the rules for this. The rules are,

1 – Either one of you has to be cute. I decide. Or I can call it off without any reaction whatsoever.
2 – I can sneak a peek.
3 – I dont have to join if I dont want to. Dont ask me, give me reasonable hints, I will revert back if I am interested.
There. That is it.

Likeness

Day 10,029 – Friday – 21 Safar 1429 – 10 Phalgul 1929 – 29 February 2008

Now, I know I am a self centered narcissist. I also know that one of my many fantasies is having to spend all my time with 100 perfect humans who keep asking me about myself (read, I am their centre of attention and thoughts) and who keep telling me about just how absolutely perfect and good I am (read, I am the most perfect being on the planet). And then, I actually have the audacity, to tell myself that I am not competitive. Bah, humbug! Oh, and yes, if this was not enough, I have started talking to myself in the car again. And, the person on the passenger seat, now talks in a British accent. I am very very worried about him. And me.

After saying all this, the general level of evilness of my friends becomes apparent after the following things happen to me.

So, like all normal 27 year old human beings, I saw someone in another car who looked at least more than 97% like me. Exactly, so, like all normal people, I sent the following sms to about 17 of my close family and friends “I just saw someone who looks exactly like me “. I expected everyone else to call me up immediately and telling me that they think it is an absolutely amazing occurence and can not go to work for the next one week because they are completely awed by this mundane detail of my life. And I expected at least one of them coming up with the statement that they cannot think anymore because of the profound nature of my revelation and end up spending their life writing two books about me and my ideas.

But, like self centered hags, I get the following replies,

Little Sister – Let me guess mustafa kamal:p? – Note – Too sarcastic.
Middle Sister – Who, when, where ??? Did he see u ??? – Note – Too confused.
Guy who sits two desks from mine – AH – Must have been sacred… So now u know how v feel – Note – You misspelt scared, bitch!
Best guy friend colleague – HS – No way.
Best guy friend colleague – HS – You are unique ma luv – Note – Too dismissive.
Female friend colleague – SR – Oh god! Not possible – Note – Too virulent.
Dad – How much
Dad – Met him? – Note – Too engrossed
Colleague who used to sit behind me – NA – Hehe :-) well now u r not the only one who is lovingly chubby. And U must be feeling very jealous now. – Note  – I am NOT chubby.
Best girl friend colleague – SS – Oh my god is that even possible :-/ – Note – Too hateful.
So, basically, when they do end up giving me a lot of attention, I call them names and dismiss them. And when they dont, I hate them for judgeing.

I so seriously fucking need to; a – get laid; b – get laid again 10 mins after the first time; c – see a shrink; and d – not drive the shrink nutso.

Meeting

Tuesday – 19 Ramazan 1428 – 10 Asvina 1929 – 02 October 2007

There was an awfully long meeting at work today. After spending two hours in the meeting room we decided to have a smoke and meet in the cafe for a bit. Smoking is strictly not allowed in Ramazan so we had to close the cafe and have a smoke. Everyone else having dispersed it was just me and my colleague from another department. And the idiot was wearing such a tight pair of pants. Not that I am complaining. I think he should do that every day. But even then. He was.

Jalal, will you please stop fucking staring at people’s crotches you are talking to specially after you both realize what you are doing.  I mean dude, please, behave yourself. How would you like if you were treated like a hunk of meat meant for lusty pursuits. Actually, that wont be so bad, but work is work, a cup of tea is a cup of tea, and tight pants are tight pants. So, from next time I will look him in the eyes like proper work conversation, so he doesnt tell me “Dude, I know you are gay, but, I am up here”.

So, the meeting was fun in the end. I ended up getting a lot of work done. That guy sortof mended fences with me. I got an additional responsibility to add to my already over worked status. But, otherwise all is good.

And the idiot who broke the signal, nearly bashed into my car, and scared the beejeezahz out of me should burn in hell while dogs feast on his rotting entrails.

And, “I will not call female colleagues fat cows from now on, I will not call female colleagues fat cows from now on, I will not call female colleagues fat cows from now on, I will not call female colleagues fat cows from now on, I will not call female colleagues fat cows from now on.”