Archive for effeminacy
Tuesday – 13 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 21 Sravana 1925 – 12 August 2003
.hmmmmm. after thinking too much over whether to call or not to call. today i finally worked up the nerve to call him. A.A. that is. yey for me and my progressing relationship.
we were having tea when i saw a phone booth. voila. well i went there. hands trembling. heart fluttering. will he like me ? will i like him ? will he sweep me off my feet with his voice ? will he like my voice ? yes yes i know it is just a phone call. but it is my first to some guy that i am interested in and he knows that too. a big jump in our relationship. the next level. the level where we not only see characters on the screen from each other but also listen to each others voice and emotions. VERY intimate keeping in view my track record.
well i called finally. no one picked up. i called again. same thing. i can accept this for a home phone. but how dumb do you have to be to leave your cellphone unattended for about half an hour. well i called about 5 times and every time no one picked up. all my expectations in vain. all my desires in the dust. all my passions washed away. so i am going to turn into a MEGA HE bitch :)
A.A. mail me and apologize. NOW !
otherwise the day was VERY VERY dull the only other things of interest would include me opening the mouse from behind (i know, dirty) and cleaning the dirt from the ball. and also me dropping about three tables spoons of water when i tried to drink it hastily in the afternoon.
yes. that is just how boring my life can get at times. :)
oh and i forgot. today my boss told me that a certain word means XYZ in urdu. but i told him it meant ABC and that he was wrong basically. we looked each other in the eyes. i so fucking knew i was right. so i went to my desk immediately and got a lughat(urdu dictionary). he was right. i was wrong. i have never been that ashamed in my life. first for not knowing the meaning of a word in urdu. then for acting like such a prick with such a nice guy as my boss. so now i am thinking of showering him with a few rewards so he does not hate me for my obvious character flaws. example make sure he knows as soon as the tea comes so he can have it hot. also to make sure i clean his desk with a tissue because he hates when there is thin file of dust on it.
awwwwww. i am so cute. ;). and so maternal. EWWWW !!! no !!! (neanderthal accent) i am man. i eat meat. i kill deer. i cook deer. i tear flesh. ahhhhhhhhhhh. thank goodness. for a moment there i though i was overacting with the maternal thing.
have fun y’all. and yes, you donot have to tell me. todays post WAS nice.
Monday – 05 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 13 Sravana 1925 – 04 August 2003
i am very upset today. this will be a long post. so brace yourselves.
well here in pakistan the patters of hanging out are very different. for example the guys in our street hang out in our street. we sit somewhere or stand somewhere. and keep talking. keep making jokes. or keep making fun of someone. that is what we do. at times for hours on end. that is how we hang out.
when we make fun of each other we talk about all things. well day before yesterday one of the guys called me gay. and i asked him to come inside to my room and ill prove myself. everyone laughed. it was like a jalal 1 – opponent 0 moment. i won. hundreds of other such things happened. i forgot about this happening that very day.
what is bothering me is my mom overheard me saying that. well i am not masculine. i am feminine. so my family suspects that there is something wrong. also i think someone once thought she saw me watching pics of guys. so they suspect. well after what my mom heard yesterday she was completely shocked.
she talked to my cousin about this. yesterday. she told him what she heard. she told him about the other incident. she told him about my not having a girl friend. she told him she was very concerned. she told him she cannot sleep. she is having migraine again. she is worried as hell. she is being strange with me. its like she doesnt know how to talk to me any more.
my cousin told her there is nothing like that. he told her all the guys from the gali(street) say such stuff to each other. nothing to worry about. then she calmed down.
but that is not the problem. the problem is what do i do. i cannot tell her about my being gay. it will just kill her. i mean come on this isnt europe where people will deal with it. in pakistan i am a thing. i am not a person i am a thing. i am the man who caused allah to send down an azaab(destruction) on the people of lut. i am that person. i am a sinner. i am a man who will go to hell. i am that thing.
well my mom will be easy to explain things to. she is a woman and a mother. what about my dad. good god in heaven. he is a policeman. i think i dont need to tell anything else. he is like this masculine guy. who i am sure has been making fun of feminine and gay guys for the last 30 years. at least. on a daily basis. for him to find out that i am gay. WHOA ! it will kill him. or maybe it will kill me.
god damn it. i just wish i didnt have to deal with this. but i do. i am just thinking of getting permanent in my job and settling down. maybe then i can talk to them. i dont know. anytime i tell them it will hurt them a lot. oh god. damn it. this sux. i cannot do this. also my sisters. they are so young. for them being gay so much more worse. they wont even understand what my parents will.
i am completely ok being gay with myself. but when my family comes in i wish i were straight. or i wish i had a brother. i am an only son. a concept lost on westerners. but asians will understand exactly what it means to be an only son. and being gay on top of that.
for the last 22 years ammi and abbu have been thinking about me. about how they will find the perfect girl for me. about how i will have a wonderful family life. about how i will have all the best in life. about how they will be proud of their only son. well that cant fucking happen now can it. i am fucking gay. no marriage. no family. no normal life. also i will go to hell. a proof of their failure as parents. god i hate this.
now i dont know what to do. i am angry and sad and i dont know what i am feeling. maybe guilt. i dont know.
Monday – 06 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 16 Asadh 1925 – 07 July 2003
well life is hard to live. i know i am very feminine generally. i just saw a video with me in it. and WHOA. things are bad. i dont know why i didnt understand this when i was being made fun off all my life. maybe there are things that you dont see. for example when you first hear your voice recorded. you ask. who the hell is that. and then you realize. that isnt me. then you are told by everyone else listening to the tape that that is exactly how you sound. hmmm. well maybe that is what happened on the video.
it isnt easy being so effeminate in pakistan. there is this whole concept of men and masculinity and all. very very hard to cope with it. well like i said i am shocked from yesterdays video. well personally living all my life in pakistan i personally am not easy with the fact that i am this feminine. to be honest. it seems like i am a freak. god. and i have major problems with it. these are things that i cannot share with anyone at all. but since i am on the net there is impersonality given to all of you reading this. maybe that is why i can write all this.
i went out with a couple of friends last night. the only thing i could do was keep quiet. try not to talk. try not to move. just try to stifle all those things that i saw in the video with horror. my voice. the way i talk. the way i move. the way i gesticulte. basically everything. it is hard trying to be someone you are not. well i am gay and i should be used to it. since i have to act as if i like women all my life. but this is different. very different. i have to take care of things consciously. i am used to acting straight due to my 22 years of practice. by the way i am 22, and single, and available, and looking.