Archive for family

Slipping

Day 10,033 – Tuesday – 25 Safar 1429 – 14 Phalgun 1929 – 04 March 2008 

Life sucks. Hate life. Want to move out to my own place. But, I talked to my parents about moving out again. And my mom said that she will not let me live like that since she still thinks I am a baby and can not care for myself. And my father gave me psycho babble about how everyone will say that my mother and sisters have been abandoned to live alone. But he said, that if I still wanted it, I can move out. But then he told me that it will destroy the family and he will have to leave his job.

So basically, they both said no. So, I force myself, discipline myself, organize myself and push myself each living moment to feel life and enjoy life and live life. But, I can not live my fucking life if there are people standing there to ensure that anything that I might want in life is denied to me because according to them it is not the right way for me to live.

Fuck this.

I have never been this depressive in my whole life. I force myself to keep away from the depression. But it just doesnt go away. I dont know whether I would want the rest of my life to end up being depressive half the time and fighting it the other half.

Mortality

Day 10,030 – Saturday – 22 Safar 1429 – 11 Phalgun 1929 – 01 March 2008

So, for the past couple of weeks, I have been having issues grappling with life, death, mortality, my own life, my mortality. The length of my life. How long I got. How long most people get. How incredibly short seventy years is. Youth. How short youth is. Is my youth over? How much longer will it last? What is the essence of life? How do I know it? How do I get it?

Seemingly, each question, less than eight words, but contemplation material for a lifetime.

The canvas of these questions is so broad that they have been thought of and contemplated and deliberated with such intensity and for so much time that I possibly can not do justice to this topic in a post. But, since it occupies my mind nowadays, I think it is pertinent.

How short life is, and how strongly, as of this moment, I feel that all that life is about is the other humans in my life: family and friends. But, do I loose them? I dont believe in an after life. So, with the last breath of anyone I love, or with my last breath, that bond is broken forever, and all that remains is protons and worms and old clothing that smells like the cologne I used to wear. On the one hand, it pains me to think that the bond is broken and the relationship is over. To me the loss of this treasure of mine is more than my life, the loss of my life will be less of a trajedy than the loss of these relationships. On the other hand, I must cherish each and every moment of my life with them. I must, there is never enough time, and I love them so much. Life is to live.

I have found another reason for being, for feeling alive, for life. The will to explore. Knowledge. Poetry. Literature. Art. Music. Science. Humans. Cities. Countries. I want to explore everything. As much of this immense and complex world that we have. If there is Allah, he has planned this world in a way that none of us would be able to see everything in their lifetime, and hence enjoy each and every bit just as much. Planned for perfection. Maybe that is why life is short, intense and meaningful. Travel gives me a high. Reading poetry gives me a high. On most occasions, my work gives me a high. Life is for living. Too beautiful to live.

The most beautiful things in life are free. The ability to enjoy whatever life may offer. Soldiers in fox holes laugh at jokes. The ability to appreciate beauty. I would consider my life lost if I had not known Faiz. The ability to learn and grow into a greater person. These are free, and we should make as much use of them as possible.

I was slightly shaken from this when my uncle passed away last year. I smsd one of my friends about this, and SAR sent me an sms that brings things into so much perspective, that I consider this email one of my most precious possessions, “Once we perish theres no coming back so dance to the tune of life till the music lasts.”

SAR, I love you man. Have a long and beautiful life. All of you. Have a long (measured by depth, not time) and beautiful life, I can never ask more for any of you.

Likeness

Day 10,029 – Friday – 21 Safar 1429 – 10 Phalgul 1929 – 29 February 2008

Now, I know I am a self centered narcissist. I also know that one of my many fantasies is having to spend all my time with 100 perfect humans who keep asking me about myself (read, I am their centre of attention and thoughts) and who keep telling me about just how absolutely perfect and good I am (read, I am the most perfect being on the planet). And then, I actually have the audacity, to tell myself that I am not competitive. Bah, humbug! Oh, and yes, if this was not enough, I have started talking to myself in the car again. And, the person on the passenger seat, now talks in a British accent. I am very very worried about him. And me.

After saying all this, the general level of evilness of my friends becomes apparent after the following things happen to me.

So, like all normal 27 year old human beings, I saw someone in another car who looked at least more than 97% like me. Exactly, so, like all normal people, I sent the following sms to about 17 of my close family and friends “I just saw someone who looks exactly like me “. I expected everyone else to call me up immediately and telling me that they think it is an absolutely amazing occurence and can not go to work for the next one week because they are completely awed by this mundane detail of my life. And I expected at least one of them coming up with the statement that they cannot think anymore because of the profound nature of my revelation and end up spending their life writing two books about me and my ideas.

But, like self centered hags, I get the following replies,

Little Sister – Let me guess mustafa kamal:p? – Note – Too sarcastic.
Middle Sister – Who, when, where ??? Did he see u ??? – Note – Too confused.
Guy who sits two desks from mine – AH – Must have been sacred… So now u know how v feel – Note – You misspelt scared, bitch!
Best guy friend colleague – HS – No way.
Best guy friend colleague – HS – You are unique ma luv – Note – Too dismissive.
Female friend colleague – SR – Oh god! Not possible – Note – Too virulent.
Dad – How much
Dad – Met him? – Note – Too engrossed
Colleague who used to sit behind me – NA – Hehe :-) well now u r not the only one who is lovingly chubby. And U must be feeling very jealous now. – Note  – I am NOT chubby.
Best girl friend colleague – SS – Oh my god is that even possible :-/ – Note – Too hateful.
So, basically, when they do end up giving me a lot of attention, I call them names and dismiss them. And when they dont, I hate them for judgeing.

I so seriously fucking need to; a – get laid; b – get laid again 10 mins after the first time; c – see a shrink; and d – not drive the shrink nutso.

Smorgasbord

Sunday – 16 Safar 1429 – 05 Phalgun 1929 – 24 February 2008 

My belief in the existence of a supreme being, lovingly called God from now on, has been strengthened in the past couple of days. I have suddenly been put through a set of extremely varied experiences since Friday morning. I am sure this God person wants to show me ways to love what he has created. If only he worked this hard to get me sex with Mark Wahlberg, I am sure my belief in him would be awakened beyond all previous records.

So, I go to work on Friday. Over excited about how things are working out, doing my mental calculations. And then a sand storm hit the city, and wham, I am in the loo coughing, sneezing and feeling miserable. My boss thinks I am trying to avoid work. And, I am trying to tell him that he can get a clue from my red eyes and the fact that I have tears dripping from my chin that there is something wrong with me. No, you idiots, slow brained cows, I was not crying, I got a fucking eye infection. I hate infections of all kinds. Though I do like the odd cold, makes me feel sexy. Perverted; but sexy.

Then comes Saturday, I go on an interesting date, the guy does NOT like me. He does NOT like me at all. AT ALL. I am sure you all see the excessive capitalization. I liked him. But, he DEFINITELY did not like me.

So, to get over that, I went to a book store. My old nemesis. I have to decide on a small amount, and then try not to exceed ten times that figure. But, this time I really did go overboard, and bought books worth about 23% of my take home salary and about 16% of my total salary. Crazy, weird, insane? Yes please, with an added dollop or fat free creme. And this is exactly why I have to take someone else along with me when I go shopping. I would max out my card buying stupid cup holders when I know I dont need them.

I think ill just put up a huge sign on my office table “Therapy needed here”. Because, as of now, I dont feel anything else can define me so well.

And then, I went crabbing at night. Amazing experience. The whole family went. And of course, eating at least 25 crabs and 25 shrimp is not a general human’s idea of fun, but when you have practically frozen solid because of the full blast cold freeing winds the only thing you can think of is eating. Eating to your heart’s content.

Ugghhhhhhh. I think I need to sleep today!

Admonition

Sunday – 03 Muharram 1429 – 24 Pausa 1929 – 13 January 2008

1 – Goddamnit, do I have to carry around a pair of metal studden leather tongs to spank your asses purple when you go ahead and read things that are only meant for monthly catharsis? If no, then don’t read it, or, don’t reply. If yes, call me.

2 – Was quite unable to access internet at home since I have finally negotiated a portion in the house with a lot of privacy and was without internet till now.

3 – Need to get laid.

Conclusion

Monday – 27 Zilhaj 1428 – 18 Pausa 1929 – 07 January 2008

WARNING : DEPRESSIVE CRAP COMING UP! DO NOT READ! ONLY MEANT FOR PERSONAL CATHARSIS!

Interesting topic. It means, both a summation of what is going on, and the end. And this is the conclusion. I am a square peg and there is a round hole that is family and society. There is no possible way for me to mix the two. I thought that marrying a Lesbian and having an open marriage would be a good idea, but then my father, despite the opposition of everyone else, about ten people, forced me to agree to the fact that the married couple will have to live in a room in the middle of the house. So, fuck open marriage, I am enslaved. And I hate it. So basically there are two options to life, a – me, b – family and society.

Life, by their choice is not acceptable to me any more, and life, by my choice is not acceptable to them anymore. We are at an impasse. And the only thing that seems expendable, so completely useless and expendable is life.

I hate this.

And, after I say all this, shift blame and say things. It is all my fault. I never could stand up for myself and say that I want what I want and I will not take no for an answer. I was afraid of the incessant crying. Mom I want to get an apartment. Crying, bawling, I hate women and I hate all the fucking ways in which they subliminally emotionally blackmail us.

I hate this.

This may be my last post, and this may not, I just hate the concept of living any more, it seems such a fucking drag. I dont want to live any more in a forced life, it is better to die free than live enslaved. I do not want this any more. I am deleting all of my online profiles and stuff. Deleting myself, my gay ids and my str8 ids. All of them. Maybe people will forget.

Over the past four years since college ended and I had to move in with my family, I have been continuously talking to my family to let me have an apartment, and they never agree. And when I try to insist, they cry. I hate it. And now, I feel so seriously drained and empty. It is not nearly at all fucking acceptable any more.

Reverberations

Tuesday – 21 Zilhaj 1428 – 12 Pausa 1929 – 01 January 2008

The period of depression that started here is still in full swing. Too many questions have been playing in my mind.

Do I lead the life of my own choice and in doing so break away from my family? I believe if I choose my own life my family will eventually break away from me. And I can not loose my family.

Do I lead the life chosen by my family and in doing so spend a life incomplete? Over the past couple of years I have tried this and have realized that I can not keep myself happy if I do not get to live a life of my own desires and choosing.

There is no answer. And I continue to repeat the same thing over and over again. Like the overly cliched broken record. The past couple of months of my blogging about the same thing. Two options, and I can not decide which one. Each leading to pain and suffering. How futile everything is.

I have noticed that recently, over the past couple of months I have stopped making contact with other people. I dont like to go out with friends, or family. I like to keep alone. Life is becoming so miserably painful.

Please, for the love all that is good and beautiful, never force people to lead the lives that you want them to lead because it seems that they have accepted that but they are being eaten alive from inside.

I have stopped talking to friends about this because they feel sorry about it and I dont want them to feel bad or worry about things. I dont like sadness, I want them to be happy. I have stopped talking about this to people who I think are my friends because baring my soul to people who really dont care about what I am going through is pathetic. I can not talk to anyone in my family because they think that my wanting a life at odds with how people live here is extremely selfish and hurtful to them, I do not want to be dubbed any of those things. I have no one to talk to. I think I will eventually need to go to a shrink, if only so I can just go there and cry my heart out with someone who will pay attention but not get hurt.

I hate this. Life has become an increasingly painful experience. What I might love to call a تلخ جام in Urdu. A goblet of unbearably bitter wine. One must drink it, but it is unpleasant to the core.

And in the middle of this, I just want to go away, far far away. Just take my car and go to some far away land where I can live my life again. Alas, if only. And leading the life I am. I know I will be sad each and every moment of existence. And I will sad in retrospect at what I have been living. I hate this. Absolutely hate this.

موت جب زندگی سے بہتر تھی

ہم نے وہ وقت بھی گزارا ہے

And I just hate talking to my family about any of my problems now. I hate it. They always say the same thing. That I am being selfish and that I am being self centered and that they love me and want the best for me and I should do what they want. But I am not selfish and I dont hate them, I just want to be happy.

The ineffectual pursuit of my happiness. What a farce that is life.