Archive for freedom

Effort

Day 10,085 – Friday – 05 Vaisakh 1930 – 18 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 25 April 2008

As defined by my friend AI from university, “relationships are a bitch”. Which when translated into the language of RA, the guy who sits in front of me at work, becomes, “relayshaships are a biyatch”. I love the word biyatch, it is a lot more direct and final than bitch. Moving on. Things with Doctor Sahab are going quite well. I am not going to be blogging about my relationship. I just will not. So help me God! But I will be blogging about themes of relationships that I have experienced in the past and that others have experienced. Interesting topic.

Even though I am quite psychotic, but, I do not make an effort in my relationship because I have to. I do it because of the way I feel about this thing. I do it because I want to. I have not reached the phase of commitment. Keeping in view my severe desire to keep absolutely independent whilst everyone around me adores me and makes me the centre of attention at all times, I will not be putting too much effort into this thing; because I have to. I am making the effort because I want to.

It is not because I am evil, afraid of commitment, self centered, oh and yes, “a bitch” – as per my evil friend SR from work. It is because I have just not reached that stage of this relationship.

And, as for the whole concept of demand and supple of effort, as opposed to the concept of demand and supply of products by Adam Smith, I have realized, that I do want him to make an effort. Something that scared the fucking hell out of me in each past relationship. I was told, in so many words, that I needed to make some effort. I mean, me, the paragon of nicety and selflessness, not making an effort! Let the Gods shudder!

Of course, despite being evil and sarcastic, I have not said this to Dr Sahab. I have learnt just one thing from all of my past failures at relationship management, do not tell people that they are not making an effort.

Of course, after Dr Sahab I now know how the other person feels. When the other person says, “you said you will call but you didnt. Why?” or when the other person says “you are free right now, but you are going out with friends?” and other such things. That is just not right, and it is dangerous. Because the moment you say something like that, the other person freaks the fuck out and wants to run out the nearest exit, no matter how much they like you.

Imagine a Deer, a beautiful young virile male deer with his antlers held high. Free as a buck. And then imagine an evil eyed doe, beautiful and young but with a huge noose of thorns and flesh cutting metallic protrusions. And then imagine the deer realizing that for the rest of his life, he will be held liable for every time he doesnt make a call or goes out with his friends or just needs to not pay excessive attention to the doe. Ok. So the guys get it. But the women – dont judge me, I am just the messenger of the turth of the species. Not the one who designed them.

But, the fact of the matter is that. I want effort. Because every time an effort is made, it makes me feel satisfied in the way this relationship is going. It makes clear the level of commitment of the other person. It provides me with a certainty, a finality, a sudden feeling of calm.

But, and please read this part, since I am not married to him, yet, I am not going to ask him to make an effort, because there is no other surefire way of making him run away than that. And frankly, I dont want him to make any effort that is out of the way for him. I want him to let this thing grow as naturally as it will grow. If it works out, it works out. If it doesnt, it doesnt. No artificial commitments.

Oh, and for once, I am not playing any games whatsoever.

PS – A relationship between two gay guys, who behave like straight guys as far as intimacy is concerned, is very very very very very difficult. Since there is absolutely no sharing of information on the topics of emotions and feelings, it is very dificult to gauge where everyone is. But, ladies! We do indeed get to share that, just by knowing the other person and not demanding to be told every five fucking seconds. Thank you.

Afterthoughts

Day 10,045 – Sunday – 26 Phalgun 1929 – 07 Rabi ul Awwal 1429 – 16 March 2008

So, ten days, no blogging. Been depressed for a couple of months now. Never really thought about how I wanted my life, just went about over working myself and running away from the dreaded questions that solitude would lead me to. And then I stopped, somewhere in October or September last year. And have been in a continuous state of depression since.

But, this week, I did something useful. I have been wanting to move out since October 2003. I actually checked my blog to get the date right. And then I told my mom that I have been asking her for this for the past four years and four months. And, then I told her that after not being given what I want for four years I am spent and will not listen to whatever they say. Of course, not having slept or eaten for the past three days gave a certain pallour to my skin and my mother, worried beyond her wits, agreed that I should be allowed to move out if I wanted it that badly.

So easy, but, where the fuck am I going to get back October 2003 to February 2008. However, this teaches me never to fuck with anyone elses life, because life is too precious. And it is murder if you kill someone with a gun or if you kill them with pain, or lack of attention, or lack of freedom, or whatever the way it is. Every human is different. And every human must be given the right to decide how they live. Otherwise, people just start to die inside. Not good. Not good at all.

Khair, all said and done. I am going to start looking for a place now.

But, the fact that if all I had to do was progressively loose weight, sleep and become an absolute zombified anti social creature reserved to my room for days on end and only then my parents would agree to listen to what I have been saying for all this time. I should have been more ruthless with them. I should not have listened to them. I should not have given them the benefit of any doubts. It feels like such a waste.

Khair, the depression is over. But, I feel hollow and incomplete. Something like floating over water. Something like being light and airy and bobbing up and down. I can not feel my feet firmly planted on the ground. I can not understand some things that I could. I am living in a surreal environment. And now that I actually have what I wanted, I dont feel that it is that important any more. What was more important was that I should have gotten in earlier on.

As I sit here writing this. I have no idea what I want next in life. Just this one thing has been so long and so painful, I dont know if I want anything else.

Explanations

Day 10,035 – Thursday – 27 Safar 1429 – 16 Phalgun 1929 – 06 March 2008

I am gay. I have told me father, mother and sisters about it. They find it disgusting, wrong and morally corrupt. They are not ready to accept that I am gay, after some time they have accepted that I have been corrupted by someone, they are not ready to accept it and I can not do anything about it. I am ok with being gay, and I do not put any restrictions on the lives of the rest of my family, live and let live. But the same principle is not applied to me.

I want to be gay. I want to live a life of my choosing. That is not possible if I live with my parents like all other normal Pakistani guys. Again, I do not put any restrictions on anyone else, but my life is made hell.

I want to live separately. I told my parents about this and I also told them that I am very different from them and the things that I want are very different from everyone else. One must make allowances for people who are different. And I shoul. d be allowed to live separately, that in my eyes was the only way for me to lead a life of my choosing. Family had issues, could not be done.

I am selfish. I was told that I am extremely selfish for wanting to do this even when I know it will hurt my family. I dont want to do it because it will hurt them. I am not going to do it. But, living a life that I dont want to live, I am never going to be happy.

I am obsessed with one thing. Why do you want to give up everyone because of one thing (read, sex with men). The answer is that, I dont want to. Just that you guys will not allow me to. So, I can as a human want two things. But obviously I am not going to get either one of the two.

I hate my family. I am heartless and do not love anyone and that is why I want to live alone. Also, I am selfish and do not care for others and I am not ready to sacrifice for the family as I should. Why doesnt the family just sacrifice two things for me, let me live separately and let me lead a life of my choosing. Where the fuck is that sacrifice?

If I feel that my past three years have been wated because I was not allowed to live alone it doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with anything. Acutally, there is, this means that I have failed as a person. Everyone 3-4 years I will feel sorry for not having done things differently in the past. This one experience proved that this is how I will be. Noone wants to live in a state of consistent defeat, forced conditions and mulling over loss.

I should not have been allowed to live separately because I would have gotten into bad habits and also because I was completely unable to take care of myself. First, not your decision, it was my decision. Second, everyone learns, so would I have. Thank you for wasting my time and my life. I dont hate you. But, for not letting me live, I am sure you hated me.

What the fuck to do with my depression. I dont know. I dont care. I dont give a fuck.

The scariest part is that, after I have been screaming out that I need to be allowed to live my life, and been rejected over and over again, my will to live has died out, and as of this moment, I have no interest in being alive, the only thing keeping me alive is my inability to articulate the above sentence properly enough to explain to myself why me life means something to either me or someone else.

I have realize that if over a period of time, someone is stifled, be they right or wrong, or whatever the fuck, they will slowly die from inside. And I think, that stage has hit me. I have died from inside. Nothing holds meaning for my any more. And I dont care about anything.

Even if you think that someone else is wrong, but if they decide for something in their life, please for God’s sake, for the sake of all that is good in this world, please let them live the way they choose, and please dont kill them. Stopping someone from choosing their life is akin to murder.

Depression

Monday – 09 Shawwal 1428 – 30 Asvina 1929 – 22 October 2007

It seems that my current phase of depression has been going on for quite some time. At least X weeks. The same problem, the same issue. It is driving me insane. I can not leave myself alone for more than five minutes. I have to jump from one mind absorbing activity to another. I can not sit idle without either reading or surfing the net or watching tv or driving. I spend more than five minutes and I am thrown into depression. That was until yesterday. Today, life has taken a more miserable turn. I have started to despise all those things as well. I felt myself enraged by the happiness being experienced by others. I started to write this blog post because I was terrified by my contemplation immediately preceding this post of a bottle of pills that I could gulp down.  I am beginning to scare myself. As I sit here, I am thinking about just standing up, walking out of the front door, and just walking out, and then keep walking until I come to the end of the world.

I can not bear any more the thought that I wasted my whole youth to abstain from sexual relations with other men because I wanted to follow someone else’s ideals and not hurt them. The feeling of a loss of time, of my own youth, I can not describe a loss greater than this that I have felt in my whole life. Noone gives up things for other people. I feel like such an absolute idiot. Since it was Sunday and I was going insane I spent the whole day in front of the television. I felt hatred. Hatred for everyone with either a happy relationship or a happy sexual life.

I dont know what is happening to me, but it sure is not good. I do not want to live a life based on the rules of what is felt right, or wrong by someone else. I want my life, and if I cant get that, I feel no pleasure in a life of slavery.

Depression

Sunday – 24 Ramazan 1428 – 15 Asvina 1929 – 07 October 2007

Humans are such intersting creatures. So simple at first sight, short-thin-petite-brownhair-beautifuleyes-crazysideburns, tall-fat-fair-jolly-sexychin, muscular-macho-brighteyes-beautifulshoes-interestingfashionsense. But so complicated when you jump into them. Courageous, cautious, self-conscious, complacent, arrogant, confident, depressive. And so and so forth. So many adjectives to define something that is basically not definable, playing with words to conceive an iota of knowledge about something so profound and so complex.

The past two weeks have not been a good time for me. But, it is the company of others that has kept me strong. For whatever reason. There have been so many issues that I have had to deal with lately. My engagement and the prospects of a life not at all my own but dictated by others. Maybe even not dictated, but dictated by my knowledge of the expectations of others. Expectations that I know are held so dear that I would not want to hurt them. But sacrificing my own expectations for others. No idea how that will turn out, there are too many apprehensions.

One of the reasons why I started this weblog was to reach out, a kind of catharsis that I get when I put pen to paper to write what I feel and then to read it and feel better about things. I was a regular blogger during my fourth year of college. But it was scary for the strength of emotions used. So I deleted that. Even after college I have been blogging regularly. Most of my older posts have been unbelievably strong and do scare me. But I have resolved not to delete my past, I can not escape it. And I do not want to forget it any more. I want to know who I was and who I will be.

I have a lot of friends who I can share my life with. In the physical world. And over time I have gained a lot of friends in this world of the internet as well. Very different kind of a relationship, but it does exist.

I have been having a severe feeling of loss over the past couple of days. Of not having done the things in life that I should have. Basically relates to relationships and sexual relationships with men. Something I knew would hurt my family if they find out. So, I have led a life of a reasonable amount of abstinence. But now it is haunting me. I dont want to make the same mistake. Of doing something for someone and feeling sorry about it. So I read my weblog for the past few years. I admit that there is more crap in there than there are stars or grains of sand. Gave me a bit of a consolation that not having the life that I wanted did not necessarily destroy my life back then.

One year of blissful submission to my family and my society is a reasonable period to cover up for the one month a year period of doubt, angst and depression that I have. Or is it? One thing about life is that you can never really answer these things. If only there were answers and if only I could know them. But that is not the case.

The silver lining on a rather large cloud is that depression wearies one off and ends itself as soon as the novelty of the emotion wears off. Hopefully.

Flight

Thursday – 21 Ramazan 1428 – 12 Asvina 1929 – 04 October 2007

I am about to fly away. To a distant land of milk and honey. Where waterfalls cover the rough faces of mountains. Where all is peace and calm and quiet. Paths are chosen on one’s own will. Where finally peace I shall find.

Crash

Sunday – 17 Ramazan 1428 – 08 Asvina 1929 – 30 September 2007

It is as if my whole life has come crashing down around me. The same question that I ask myself and dread for the past ten years is in front of me again. Can I please lead my own life without fatally hurting everyone around me. Can I please be gay and my family accept me for it and let me live like that. And my sisters’ marriages are not sabotaged and their married lives are not destroyed.  And my parents position of respect and honour in our society is not destroyed due to my leading a gay life.

It is not as if I dont know the answer. I know the answer. No. You can not be gay without destroying the lives of your parents and sisters. But, stupid humans, stupid, hopeful, crazy emotional humans. I just want there to be a different answer.

How futile.