Archive for humour

Frozen Shoulder

Day 10,483 – Sunday – 07 Asadha 1930 – 04 Rajab ul Murajjab 1430 – 28 June 2009

I guess all of you guys will have to get used to the fact that I will, from now on, be blogging very irregularly, as in once a quarter or something. Work and other things in life have just become very extreme and do not allow enough time for blogging. I have no idea why, but that is how it is.

So, for now, I am going to have the following goals in life, I want to learn how to speak French and Farsi and I want to learn Horseriding, Swordfighting, Archery and Shooting and I want to be able to write regularly and I want to have a top of the line caravan that I can spend the rest of my life travelling in.

And, I want to have emotion free sex with millions of strangers in exotic cities, locations and places.

But, one does not get everything one wants, and one must learn to live as they are.

In other news, one of the reasons for not blogging for the past three months would be the fear elicited by the fact that my blog has been quoted in both an Indian newspaper / online news source, and now and American one. The closet door is being banged at very hard. For all the actions where I have come out of the closet to my family and friends does not mean that I am ready to do it officially. Not in Pakistan. I can not. Sorry. So, since this blog has started coming into international media showcasing Pakistani homosexuals, I would have to request you people to at least not try to knock on the closet door.

From this I would wonder why we even use the term closet door? Why?

And I will leave you to that.

Oh and yes, the guy who plays Kirk in the new Star Trek, Chris Pine. Fucking yummy.

Stupidity

Day 10,098 – Thursday – 18 Vaisakh 1930 – 02 Jamadi ul Awwal 1429 – 08 May 2008

Apart from all the random whims, fancies and desired that I have on a day to day. Now I also want the ability to remember things that I wanted to blog about during the day. As I sit here I am clenching my fists just trying to remember what it was that I just had to blog about. But I have no idea what it was.

In other news, I am absolutely, completely, unequivocally, unabashedly and properly in love with Dilbert. The way office life is captured. Amazing. I love it. And I love Scott Adams. For all of you who work in offices, please dont waste time reading this collection of stupidities, go to Google and search for Dilbert online.

For the rest of you. Why are you still reading this. Google. Dilbert. Now! Or I will have to use my new leather belt!

Renascence

Monday – 18 Ramazan 1428 – 09 Asvina 1929 – 01 October 2007

Ok, so, I am back. Same fucking stupid old me. Hiding behind a barrage of moronic jokes, embarrasing aphorisms, terse diatribes and subtle satires. And of course add a smidgen of sarcasm, vice, stupidity, psychosis and a whole lotta Jalal and we are back to normal. No more psychological breakdowns over why I am a pansy and why won’t my family accept me as a flower or fruit or whatever it is that you people are calling it nowadays. I will not sulk. I absolutely refuse to sulk and live in a vegetative state gaining weight and feeling sorry for not having ever the liberty to live like I want. I will live life to its fullest. Starting from now. After I watch Transformers that it.

Even though I am engaged and will be getting married in the summers next year and will start to have kids “as soon as naturally possible” and have as many kids as our limbs can hold, I feel a very strong overpowering urge to keep a pet. Something strong and manly yet docile. So it is like da mayn. But, I am it’s lord. Oh dear, I have gone too far havent I. Yes, yes, I know I need to go hunting or have a fist fight on a road or something because my innate latent violence hormones are raging in my blood right now. And, as per past definitions of yours truly I am completely against violence. I think I need to be spanked properly tonight.

Oh, and yes, this is just so seriously not about Transformers. I mean, the stupid high school guy, the brain less army guy and of course Optimus Prime. None of them was cute enough to grab my attention to the screen. Of course the story line of a movie like that can not be better for the brain than lets say eating shredded plastic strips can be for your stomach. And, oh, my, fucking, God, those stupid fucking brain dead imbecile comments like “There is more to them that meets the eye”, “why are you here” and “what do you want” with the fucking camera giving close ups of the actors who are bathed in sunlight as if they have asked something important. You stupid fucks. I used to think about more profound things when I used to contemplate my vomit at age 3. Who the fuck wrote the script for you. Can you please ask him to read my blog: in a rating of proper English, depth of thought, profoundity and ability to communicate properly it ranks 12,883,789,783,838,239,283 amongst all English documents produced to date including scribbles from first graders and sentences spelled out by animals running on snow while pissing. And, it’s writer thinks that your writer sucks like a baby calf about to die of thirst.

The action scenes were very good, but they were too fast. I am sure I would get a better rush if I can see something move rather than see hunks of metal flap about faster than I can move. I mean, have you ever seen women flick their eyes at men. Eyes can move fast! But if I can’t keep up with Optimus Fucking Prime being smashed across my screen, there is something seriously wrong with how the movie is thought out. And for God’s sake can you put in some sort of a hot guy and a hot girl and make them show a little bit of skin so people dont just get up and walk out of your movie. Morons. But, all in all, I think I found the guy’s car robot quite attractive. Does this make me weird?

Wow! I feel so much better now.

Cockroach

Monday – 10 Rajab 1424 – 17 Bhadra 1925 – 08 September 2003 

well here i am back in my room. thinking and writing as i think. what is the purpose of a government. what is the reason for life to be this way. why did napolean fail from his objectives. what the hell is climbing up my back. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAA. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. yes it was a cockroach. and in trying to shake it off i shook it into my shirt. now i NEVER tuck my shirt into my pants. but today about after 4 months i had done that.

so think about the following in a picture.

a man starts screaming. within 5 seconds he is in the living room. running and screaming and trying to hit his back. he does this for 5 seconds. then he starts to frantically pull his shirt out of his pants. still screaming. and then everyone in the house makes a largish circle around him asking. “kya hua ? kya hua?” and then he still screaming takes his shirt off. all in a hurry. and he sees a cockroach run off.

now most normal people would look around sheepishly and put on the shirt. BUT NO!!!!!!!!! jalal had to act like an idiot. so instead of acting like a modest human and wearing clothes he runs after the cockroach. as the tiny creature runs on the gleaming floor jalal jumps on it. he doesnt stamp it. he JUMPS on it.

if you are wondering. now come the WORST part !!! the cockroach died and in such a way. maybe i landed on him too hard. that he obviously burst open.

there was a large cluster of black blobs on an area equal to a large portion of wall in my house. the dead remains of an intruder into my private parts.

also if you are thinking of asking me out ever in the future. i do not do this to ‘human’ intruders into my private parts. actually they get treatment infinitely better. and now i think i should leave and resume cleaning the wall. YEUCKH ! and let the record show my mom made me do it. i did not want to do that.

Joke

Wednesday – 21 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 29 Sravana 1925 – 20 August 2003    

there are times when you want to say something. but it comes out as something else. sometimes leading to hysterical laughter by all present. i live on the internet a lot. sometimes this happens on the internet as well. when you type something incorrectly.

today was the biggest of such mistakes. i actually fell down from my chair laughing.

the was chatting with a fellow gay guy on mirc. when all of a sudden.

[23:55:14] sorry HUGE lad … will talk to you later when it is under control …

[23:55:20] sorry HUGE lag … will talk to you later when it is under control …

[23:55:21] :)

[23:55:35] i am sure the one on top had a completely different meanign ;)

[23:55:40] ahhahahahahhaha

[23:55:45] actually come to think of it …

[23:55:48] haahahahhahaahahha

[23:55:51] ROFLMAO …

[23:55:57] sorry HUGE lad … will talk to you later when it is under control …

[23:57:00] oh my god …

[23:57:48] that is the best slip that i have had on mirc …

the other guy was VERY amused. i later blamed it on the witching hour ;) midnight.

Whimsical

Saturday – 03 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 11 Sravana 1925 – 02 August 2003 

well remember the time when you go home. everyone is really nice. they treat you well. they cook you magnificent food. and stuff. well i am sure you dont. because i dont either. such a perfect time doesnt exist. there are always things that screw it up.

like the time when someone spills milk on the expensive silks. or when someone says wow you have lost weight just to be nice. and the other person says. you think i was fat before ? or when everyone stops to take a breath and there is a long awkward silence. or when the food gets burnt and one woman has to cry about how she cannot do anything right. or when oh yes this is what happened to me. you fall down in the mud made by the rain and soil yourself. and the 5674 relatives in your house for the party make fun of you for 4 hours.

also. when someone tells you to trust them when they sell you something. DONT ! never trust someone who is selling. always check up. even if it is just a jeans and you wanted to know if they look good on you. or if it is a new form of hair growing creme that is purple and has fumes coming out of it.

hmmmmmm. you know what. i am beginning to think i am wierd. i write about the strangest of things. why am i like this? (note to self: jalal please dont go there) ok ok. so why would someone think this way (note to self: jalal please dont go there). ok ok. whatever.

so you see it takes three lines to get paranoid and start talking to oneself. and all this infront of other people. oh my god. i so need to get a life.

also i dont understand one thing. i am sorry i probably would be removed from the gay brother(sic)hood but what is a drag queen.

another thing. when americans talk abotu beer or alcohol. there are times when you need a break. or need a relief. or need to be aloof. you talk about getting alcohol. what does it do. i have never had alcohol. what does it do. i mean stuff like. my mom is coming. i hate my mom. so i am going to get drunk. or i dont want to sit with them all night but i have to so i will get alcohol. i mean what is the deal with alcohol.

Singing in the Rain

Wednesday – 29 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 08 Sravana 1925 – 30 July 2003

hmmmmm. it is still raining. the city is in a mess. there a complete collapse of civilization as we know it here in karachi. the roads have borken into a million(more) potholes. floods ravage the city. vultures scavenge for dead meat that people might throw out in fear of disease. OH MY GOD ! i have to calm down i am being SO SO SO SO SO overdramatic.

well i went to this government and saw a very interesting thing. there on the window was a list of things that i needed to bring in order to get the work done. and below the list of 5 things was urdu “note : waqt bachanay kay liye fuzool sawalat say gurey karein” english translation “note : to save time please refrain from asking useless questions” loolz. laughed like hell at that. the guy behind the counter thought i was a wacko. so i had to act like one. he really hurried up with my paperwork. loolz.

well i am home again. and it is raining. my cousin is screaming at me to type lighter as he cannot sleep. i am still typing on being a bitch. he has a paper to submit so he was up all night. also he didnt turn down the music for me while i slept. so i am getting back at him. i am such a bitch.

also i got a webcam installed yesterday. i cannot wait to think of the possibilities. ;). i am a bitch ;). also i liked it at first but i hate it now. its picture quality leaves a lot to be desired. well what the hell at least i can talk to my bf (who happens to live in the same city) like every normal gay guy. wait a minute. cut the last sentence. it makes me sound like i need to cast in the next psycho movie.

so until next time. i will leave you all alone with your thoughts not mine. so as to let some sanity prevail on this little group of sorry folk who end up having to read my blog.

also i saw vanilla sky. maybe that is the reason this blog is so frikking psychotic.

Odyssey

Friday – 17 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 27 Asadh 1925 – 18 July 2003

100 point odyssey through my life. no particular order. CAUTION : proceed at your own risk.

001 – i am an idiot to think that any of you will like to read this list here. but i am posting it all the same because like i said i am an idiot.

002 – like old nostalgic songs on tv

003 – like to listen to south asian classical music (raagas for those who dont know what i am talking about)

004 – my friends and our friendship is very important for me

005 – use english spellings rather than american spellings

006 – like the sound of azaan for maghrib

007 – my fake sex buddy is david fumero

008 – like to listen to ghazals

009 – people who follow soap operas for more than 3 years should be relocated and not allowed to see that soap any more

010 – have fallen in love once and fallen out of it as well (after being dumped)

011 – the college majors that i wanted to do at some time in my life included architecture, history and urdu

012 – often say ‘aray!’ and also ‘oh my god!’

013 – favourite character on the tv serial friends is phoebe, frasier is niels, everybody loves raymond is deborah

014 – dislike violence and war

015 – like pictures of beaches in latin american countries (wow they are a HOT people)

016 – for me the biggest turn on is a ‘man’ (masculine and wild)

017 – for me the biggest turn off is if someone uses a linguistically incorrect sentence or if they talk in a bad accent (no hard and fast rules. i decide which accent is good or bad)

018 – i seriously dislike if someone uses wrong grammar in urdu or english

019 – i seriously dislike if someone uses wrong pronunciation in urdu or english

020 – i seriously dislike if someone has a bad accent (bad by my standards not any specific standard)

021 – very attracted to policemen. specially uniformed policemen from america and europe

022 – i can understand written french, farsi and arabi crudely

023 – like to watch satellite images and aerial images of the earth and different parts of it (yes you are right. i am a big big freak)

023 – humour i like. satire or wit? satire.

025 – favourite modern time and place combinations. paris under the sun king. dehli under shah jahan. vienna at the time of mozart. london under queen victoria. berlin 1938ad. new york now. karachi now. (i also fantasize a lot about these)

026 – favourite english tv shows are friends, everybody loves raymond, frasier, drew carey show, sex and the city, 3rd rock from the sun, star trek (next generation, original, enterprise)

027 – when i went to the us i used to sit besides a lake a lot. the lake and its beaches were private property but noone lived on this side of the lake. i used to go in because i wouldnt be intruding on anyone. i was caught trespassing by a cop. i have this thing about cops and i had this huge thing about him at that time. to save myself from trouble i had to act as if i cant speak english at all. he checked my passport and let me go. of course i couldnt ask him out. i am such an idiot.

028 – favourite job would be that where i get to live in many different cities and countries all over the world

029 – currently unemployed and looking for a job (this might change from 21-07-2003)

030 – dislike bigotry and intolerance (by the way i am told that i am a bigot)

031 – mehdi hasan is my all time favourite composer, musician and singer. he has the best voice of all humans that sing. (he is capable of giving me an orgasm just by his music)

032 – my fake boyfriend is colin farell

033 – birthday is on the 15th of september (i wonder why they dont call it ides of september)

034 – ethnic background is south asian sub group pakistani sub group urdu speaking sub group up-ite sub group yousufzai pathan

035 – dont have any tatoos yet. but i am thinking about getting one (at times it is a turn on at times it isnt )

036 – like the following comics bizarro, baby blues, wizard of id, rose is rose, the gambols

037 – favourite foods include haleem, biryani, paay, puloa and nihari (yes i am a glutton)

038 – have had a love affair over the internet with a guy in america from ohio. i know how he likes his eggs. i also know what he wants to name his daughter. i have no contact with him since july 2002 (when he stopped replying to my emails all of a sudden. i dont know if he is ok or not)

039 – have been doused in water 4 times in restauraunts by women. women dont like my male chauvinist pig attitude. i dont have one.

040 – people who think that putting out will ge them love are not completely wrong

041 – interested in history, movies, literature, music, art, news and politcs (no i am not dull in real life also I consider these interests a plus in the man of my choice)

042 – prefer fruit juices over water. water over milk. milk over coke(read carbonated drinks). coke(read carbonated drinks) over nothing

043 – once there was a cold rainy day. i had to go to my room in my university and i got wet due to rain. when i reached the dorm the door was locked. i coudlnt find my key. i needed to pee like hell. i tried to find a loo for half an hour. i was desperate. suddenly. i let all those muscles and ducts and everything free. i stopped trying to stop it. and moment i let go was the most relaxing moment of my life. although i agree it was the most disgusting thing anyone had ever blogged about. but it was the most relaxing moment ever (for those of you who might stop loving me after this please don’t. this was a once in a life time thing. It will never happen again.)

044 – have a bachelors in computer engineering

045 – i am 6 ft tall or about 184 cms tall

046 – there has been only once that i met a guy who was also gay and interested in me. we both liked each other on sight. we went for dinner. it was my first and only date. i was very nervous. to the extent that at one time i spoke without breathing for 15 minutes. we never had any contact after that. i am such an idiotic buffoon.

047 – favourite musicians/composers are mehdi hasan, ravi shanker, bare ghulam ali, eric clapton, beethoven, tchaikovski

048 – dislike wearing suits and ties

049 – of the seven sins my favourite is lust

050 – favourite ancient time and place combinations. memphis under khufu, mohenjodaro 2000bc, persepolis under xerxes, athens under pericles and rome under julius caesar

051 – i am a virgin (no it is not a lie! i am a virgin! i didnt find the right person yet)

052 – spend an immeasurable amount of time on the internet

053 – shortcomings in someone. nagging or stupidity? nagging.

054 – all time favourite newspaper is ‘dawn’ from karachi pakistan (read it daily and love its format and content)

055 – sometimes when you are sitting with friends and someone cracks a very good joke someone on the table might spew all the drink out in a geyser. i once cracked a joke that was so funny that two people sitting opposite each other did it at the same time. giving me a view of two geysers going in opposite directions at the same time. so i am 1 of 9 humans to have seen something like that in the last 10 years.

056 – sports that i play include swimming, cricket and horse riding

057 – dislike narrow minded people

058 – some of the urdu writers that i like are saadat hasan manto, ahmed nadeem qasmi, ibn e insha, bano qudsia

059 – have black eyes

060 – once had a chance to get either my or my best friends grade improved in college. i got his grade improved. never told him.

061 – likes in others. beauty or brains? both

062 – i have two blogs. one for the gay man that i am. one for the straight man that i have to pretend to be

063 – once spent a whole day in my university to find at the end of the day that my jeans were ripped at an awkward location. noone ever jokingly called me a girl in college after that day. even if i said that i like romantic comedies and want to have manicure and pedicures and facials for the rest of my life. believe me i once said that just to check. i wasnt called a girl. i was called effeminate.

064 – some of the urdu poets that i like are ghalib, mir, faiz, momin

065 – favourite weather is overcast with slightly darkish clouds (kaali ghata), mild breeze, light rain and sunlight breaking through the colouds far away

066 – dislike fanatics and fundamentalists

067 – love watching statisics and facts and figures. Love stock quotes and other figures and statistics that keep changing with time

068 – favourite times of the day are dawn(early morning) and dusk(late evening)

069 – honour is more important than money

070 – currently living with family (like all normal pakistanis my age)

071 – zodiac sign is virgo

072 – once got up at 4 am just to help my friend finish a project while he went to sleep till 8am.

073 – once screamed like a girl during an earthquake. after the quake made fun of another friend and “his” scream. everyone still thinks that other guy was the one who screamed (i know i am a devil in disguise)

074 – born in karachi

075 – favourite medieval time and place combinations. venice in its glory. dehli in the time of amir khusrau. samarkand under amir taimur. cordova in 1000ad. baghdad under harun ur rasheed.

076 – current dating status is that i am available and searching for someone right for me (yeah right! who isnt)

077 – like the smell of burning incense

078 – dislike the political right

079 – some of the english books that i liked very much les miserables, passage to india, war and peace, the god of small things, lord of the flies

080 – there is no 80 because there are two 23s.

081 – my fake girlfriend is brooke shields

082 – sometimes, i write poetry in urdu

083 – got my penis stuck in the zipper only once in my life. i was 9 at that time. it wasn’t bad and i was saved a lot of problems

084 – favourite urdu tv dramas waris, tanhaaiyan, aangan terha, chaand girehn

085 – like the smell when the first drops of rain fall on the dry ground (soondhi soondhi mitti ki khushboo)

086 – a girl once asked me to marry her. we didnt know each other well at that time. actually we had just spent less than three days with each other all our lives. i fell down and died. i later learned that she says that often. she uses it instead of fuck off.

087 – college majors that i wish i had taken when i was in college international relations, political science, south asian classical music

088 – prefer to use english dates (ddmmyy) rather than american dates(mmddyy)

089 – once i was buying something from a convenience store. when i went to the payment counter there was another guy there. i was about 17 he was about 25. he was SO SO SO hot. well as i walked upto him he looked at me. i accidentally said ‘wow!’ while looking at him. i said ‘wow!’ while looking at him. he got flustered and left. i never forgot i said ‘wow!’. i am such an idiot.

090 – hair colour is black

091 – love this urdu movie ‘anand’

092 – i would rate money after honour, integrity, honesty, relationships, family, friends and education

093 – like good music

094 – don’t have any piercings and probably wont get any either

095 – once my best friend had to hold a whole sports event. so i helped him for five days in planning and implementing everything in that plan. didnt sleep more than 3 hours on any one of those days. then on the last day i fucked up and forgot to go get the guests. no event that year. sorry S.M.

096 – urdu and english are my first languages. i think in both of them.

097 – favourite international cities to live in would be paris, new york, istanbul, cairo, rome, san francisco in that order

098 – some english movies that i liked very much amadeus, shakespeare in love, contact, an ideal husband, gone with the wind, star trek(all of them), legends of the fall, gandhi, jinnah, the courtesan

099 – really dislike spam

100 – if you read through the whole list you are even more bored than i was while i wrote it. you also need a life. maybe less than me but all the same. or maybe you are interested in me. in which case you can drop me a line. oh my good! I really need a life