Archive for humour
Day 10,483 – Sunday – 07 Asadha 1930 – 04 Rajab ul Murajjab 1430 – 28 June 2009
I guess all of you guys will have to get used to the fact that I will, from now on, be blogging very irregularly, as in once a quarter or something. Work and other things in life have just become very extreme and do not allow enough time for blogging. I have no idea why, but that is how it is.
So, for now, I am going to have the following goals in life, I want to learn how to speak French and Farsi and I want to learn Horseriding, Swordfighting, Archery and Shooting and I want to be able to write regularly and I want to have a top of the line caravan that I can spend the rest of my life travelling in.
And, I want to have emotion free sex with millions of strangers in exotic cities, locations and places.
But, one does not get everything one wants, and one must learn to live as they are.
In other news, one of the reasons for not blogging for the past three months would be the fear elicited by the fact that my blog has been quoted in both an Indian newspaper / online news source, and now and American one. The closet door is being banged at very hard. For all the actions where I have come out of the closet to my family and friends does not mean that I am ready to do it officially. Not in Pakistan. I can not. Sorry. So, since this blog has started coming into international media showcasing Pakistani homosexuals, I would have to request you people to at least not try to knock on the closet door.
From this I would wonder why we even use the term closet door? Why?
And I will leave you to that.
Oh and yes, the guy who plays Kirk in the new Star Trek, Chris Pine. Fucking yummy.
Day 10,098 – Thursday – 18 Vaisakh 1930 – 02 Jamadi ul Awwal 1429 – 08 May 2008
Apart from all the random whims, fancies and desired that I have on a day to day. Now I also want the ability to remember things that I wanted to blog about during the day. As I sit here I am clenching my fists just trying to remember what it was that I just had to blog about. But I have no idea what it was.
In other news, I am absolutely, completely, unequivocally, unabashedly and properly in love with Dilbert. The way office life is captured. Amazing. I love it. And I love Scott Adams. For all of you who work in offices, please dont waste time reading this collection of stupidities, go to Google and search for Dilbert online.
For the rest of you. Why are you still reading this. Google. Dilbert. Now! Or I will have to use my new leather belt!
Monday – 18 Ramazan 1428 – 09 Asvina 1929 – 01 October 2007
Ok, so, I am back. Same fucking stupid old me. Hiding behind a barrage of moronic jokes, embarrasing aphorisms, terse diatribes and subtle satires. And of course add a smidgen of sarcasm, vice, stupidity, psychosis and a whole lotta Jalal and we are back to normal. No more psychological breakdowns over why I am a pansy and why won’t my family accept me as a flower or fruit or whatever it is that you people are calling it nowadays. I will not sulk. I absolutely refuse to sulk and live in a vegetative state gaining weight and feeling sorry for not having ever the liberty to live like I want. I will live life to its fullest. Starting from now. After I watch Transformers that it.
Even though I am engaged and will be getting married in the summers next year and will start to have kids “as soon as naturally possible” and have as many kids as our limbs can hold, I feel a very strong overpowering urge to keep a pet. Something strong and manly yet docile. So it is like da mayn. But, I am it’s lord. Oh dear, I have gone too far havent I. Yes, yes, I know I need to go hunting or have a fist fight on a road or something because my innate latent violence hormones are raging in my blood right now. And, as per past definitions of yours truly I am completely against violence. I think I need to be spanked properly tonight.
Oh, and yes, this is just so seriously not about Transformers. I mean, the stupid high school guy, the brain less army guy and of course Optimus Prime. None of them was cute enough to grab my attention to the screen. Of course the story line of a movie like that can not be better for the brain than lets say eating shredded plastic strips can be for your stomach. And, oh, my, fucking, God, those stupid fucking brain dead imbecile comments like “There is more to them that meets the eye”, “why are you here” and “what do you want” with the fucking camera giving close ups of the actors who are bathed in sunlight as if they have asked something important. You stupid fucks. I used to think about more profound things when I used to contemplate my vomit at age 3. Who the fuck wrote the script for you. Can you please ask him to read my blog: in a rating of proper English, depth of thought, profoundity and ability to communicate properly it ranks 12,883,789,783,838,239,283 amongst all English documents produced to date including scribbles from first graders and sentences spelled out by animals running on snow while pissing. And, it’s writer thinks that your writer sucks like a baby calf about to die of thirst.
The action scenes were very good, but they were too fast. I am sure I would get a better rush if I can see something move rather than see hunks of metal flap about faster than I can move. I mean, have you ever seen women flick their eyes at men. Eyes can move fast! But if I can’t keep up with Optimus Fucking Prime being smashed across my screen, there is something seriously wrong with how the movie is thought out. And for God’s sake can you put in some sort of a hot guy and a hot girl and make them show a little bit of skin so people dont just get up and walk out of your movie. Morons. But, all in all, I think I found the guy’s car robot quite attractive. Does this make me weird?
Wow! I feel so much better now.
Monday – 10 Rajab 1424 – 17 Bhadra 1925 – 08 September 2003
well here i am back in my room. thinking and writing as i think. what is the purpose of a government. what is the reason for life to be this way. why did napolean fail from his objectives. what the hell is climbing up my back. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAA. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. yes it was a cockroach. and in trying to shake it off i shook it into my shirt. now i NEVER tuck my shirt into my pants. but today about after 4 months i had done that.
so think about the following in a picture.
a man starts screaming. within 5 seconds he is in the living room. running and screaming and trying to hit his back. he does this for 5 seconds. then he starts to frantically pull his shirt out of his pants. still screaming. and then everyone in the house makes a largish circle around him asking. “kya hua ? kya hua?” and then he still screaming takes his shirt off. all in a hurry. and he sees a cockroach run off.
now most normal people would look around sheepishly and put on the shirt. BUT NO!!!!!!!!! jalal had to act like an idiot. so instead of acting like a modest human and wearing clothes he runs after the cockroach. as the tiny creature runs on the gleaming floor jalal jumps on it. he doesnt stamp it. he JUMPS on it.
if you are wondering. now come the WORST part !!! the cockroach died and in such a way. maybe i landed on him too hard. that he obviously burst open.
there was a large cluster of black blobs on an area equal to a large portion of wall in my house. the dead remains of an intruder into my private parts.
also if you are thinking of asking me out ever in the future. i do not do this to ‘human’ intruders into my private parts. actually they get treatment infinitely better. and now i think i should leave and resume cleaning the wall. YEUCKH ! and let the record show my mom made me do it. i did not want to do that.
Wednesday – 21 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 29 Sravana 1925 – 20 August 2003
there are times when you want to say something. but it comes out as something else. sometimes leading to hysterical laughter by all present. i live on the internet a lot. sometimes this happens on the internet as well. when you type something incorrectly.
today was the biggest of such mistakes. i actually fell down from my chair laughing.
the was chatting with a fellow gay guy on mirc. when all of a sudden.
[23:55:14] sorry HUGE lad … will talk to you later when it is under control …
[23:55:20] sorry HUGE lag … will talk to you later when it is under control …
[23:55:35] i am sure the one on top had a completely different meanign ;)
[23:55:45] actually come to think of it …
[23:55:51] ROFLMAO …
[23:55:57] sorry HUGE lad … will talk to you later when it is under control …
[23:57:00] oh my god …
[23:57:48] that is the best slip that i have had on mirc …
the other guy was VERY amused. i later blamed it on the witching hour ;) midnight.
Saturday – 03 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 11 Sravana 1925 – 02 August 2003
well remember the time when you go home. everyone is really nice. they treat you well. they cook you magnificent food. and stuff. well i am sure you dont. because i dont either. such a perfect time doesnt exist. there are always things that screw it up.
like the time when someone spills milk on the expensive silks. or when someone says wow you have lost weight just to be nice. and the other person says. you think i was fat before ? or when everyone stops to take a breath and there is a long awkward silence. or when the food gets burnt and one woman has to cry about how she cannot do anything right. or when oh yes this is what happened to me. you fall down in the mud made by the rain and soil yourself. and the 5674 relatives in your house for the party make fun of you for 4 hours.
also. when someone tells you to trust them when they sell you something. DONT ! never trust someone who is selling. always check up. even if it is just a jeans and you wanted to know if they look good on you. or if it is a new form of hair growing creme that is purple and has fumes coming out of it.
hmmmmmm. you know what. i am beginning to think i am wierd. i write about the strangest of things. why am i like this? (note to self: jalal please dont go there) ok ok. so why would someone think this way (note to self: jalal please dont go there). ok ok. whatever.
so you see it takes three lines to get paranoid and start talking to oneself. and all this infront of other people. oh my god. i so need to get a life.
also i dont understand one thing. i am sorry i probably would be removed from the gay brother(sic)hood but what is a drag queen.
another thing. when americans talk abotu beer or alcohol. there are times when you need a break. or need a relief. or need to be aloof. you talk about getting alcohol. what does it do. i have never had alcohol. what does it do. i mean stuff like. my mom is coming. i hate my mom. so i am going to get drunk. or i dont want to sit with them all night but i have to so i will get alcohol. i mean what is the deal with alcohol.
Wednesday – 29 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 08 Sravana 1925 – 30 July 2003
hmmmmm. it is still raining. the city is in a mess. there a complete collapse of civilization as we know it here in karachi. the roads have borken into a million(more) potholes. floods ravage the city. vultures scavenge for dead meat that people might throw out in fear of disease. OH MY GOD ! i have to calm down i am being SO SO SO SO SO overdramatic.
well i went to this government and saw a very interesting thing. there on the window was a list of things that i needed to bring in order to get the work done. and below the list of 5 things was urdu “note : waqt bachanay kay liye fuzool sawalat say gurey karein” english translation “note : to save time please refrain from asking useless questions” loolz. laughed like hell at that. the guy behind the counter thought i was a wacko. so i had to act like one. he really hurried up with my paperwork. loolz.
well i am home again. and it is raining. my cousin is screaming at me to type lighter as he cannot sleep. i am still typing on being a bitch. he has a paper to submit so he was up all night. also he didnt turn down the music for me while i slept. so i am getting back at him. i am such a bitch.
also i got a webcam installed yesterday. i cannot wait to think of the possibilities. ;). i am a bitch ;). also i liked it at first but i hate it now. its picture quality leaves a lot to be desired. well what the hell at least i can talk to my bf (who happens to live in the same city) like every normal gay guy. wait a minute. cut the last sentence. it makes me sound like i need to cast in the next psycho movie.
so until next time. i will leave you all alone with your thoughts not mine. so as to let some sanity prevail on this little group of sorry folk who end up having to read my blog.
also i saw vanilla sky. maybe that is the reason this blog is so frikking psychotic.