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Day 10,205 – Saturday – 01 Bhadra 1930 – 19 Shaban 1429 – 23 August 2008

Fucking internet connection fuck up. This is the seventh post in the past month that has gotten fucked up because of my fucking internet. Long pause with a reasonable amount of stress release and anger at my internet connection. Back to normal. Again. I love the sudden explosions of anger at minute things that I just can not control. The sudden and complete abandon to my feelings is very liberating.

And as I sit here musing about my personal life, my country hurtles headlong into a tunnel with no conception of where it may lead. The 14th of August came and went, and there seems to be nothing outwardly exciting to celebrate. Musharraf resigned; albeit I support the concept of democracy but a strong President would have been a good influence; and we must remember that his legacy is not solely negative. The PPP has nominated Zardari for President, need anyone say any more. The NRO has absolved our politicians of all sins, disgusting. The PMLN is bent upon making governance absolutely impossible. The MQM has nominated Zardari as the Presidential candidate, always a politically astute party with a lot of integrity. The PMLQ has nominated it’s own Presidential candidate. The restoration of the Judiciary is a complete bone of contention that might rip the coalition apart. Violent suicide bombings by the Taliban in Pakistani cities have had a massive toll on citizen’s lives and their conceptions of safety. All I can say is that, more our of hope than experience, I still believe that somehow this will get resolved and good things will happen. Let the dust settle.

Net Dating

Day 10,152 – Tuesday – 10 Asadha 1930 – 26 Jamadi us Sani 1429 – 01 July 2008

Being a gay guy in Pakistan means a lot of things. One of them means that one has to go the extra mile to find other people. Since I am very bad at keeping friendships / acquaintances intact in the gay circle I need to find new people online all the time. There is a very small group of gay people, about four or five, who I am in regular contact with, and recently they have even set me up with a couple of guys. But, suffice to say, the internet is the primary medium of finding sex, lust, affection and love in my life. Could things be geekier. No. Could thing be wierder in the Pakistani environment. Yes. Thankfully for me. Despite be delightfully insane I am only marginally lower than the national average. Good for social life, bad for overly sensitive self elevating ego.

Of course there are so many absolutely interesting things emanating from the whole concept of internet based dating that I would be exceedingly cruel, stupid and boring not to recount some of my favourites.

Of course the most interesting of all is the details. In order of appearance these are; the first question asl (age sex location); the second tbvo (top bottom versatile oral); and the third stats (general idea of visual appearance). Then there is some descriptive discussion and eventually there is the exchanging of the name and email and phone number. Now, the rule is, you can lie about your name (only if you in the closet). That is it. You can not lie about any of the other details. If you are 6’0 high, then you can not tell me 6’2 because when I meet you I am going to fucking see through that. You fucking imbecile. You can not fucking lie about direct physical appearance cues. Moron! So, I get this guy today, he tells me he is 28. Then after we decide on where and when to meet, he asks me “what is your real age?”. I tell him “It is the same as the fake age I gave above, what is your real age?”. It was 30. Idiot. I decided not to suck his dick in the next 20 minutes when we were supposed to get together. And of course, the same goes for penis size. Dude, if it is 6 inches I will know. Dont tell me it is 7.5 inches. Or I will leave you hard and dry, in bed, like I did another jerk. I mean, fucking idiots. Do they think everyone else is blind. And of course the lying only makes it worst when you are discovered.

So, people out there. Please do not lie about things. Because when you do get someone interested in you. It will be worthwhile. And the sex will be, oh so much better!

There was this guy I met a couple of days earlier. Nothing. So, I decided to send him an sms stating, “Dude, lets just not continue this. It would never have worked out in any way”. I get a reply, “Who is this?”. To which, after much relief I replied, “Good. Done!”. And as simply as that, the whole thing is over. I love language.

Oh, Oh, Oh! I met this married guy online. According to him, he is a pure top. Question – What the fuck is a pure top? Is it a bottle headed moron who can not understand that sex is about pleasure? I dont care about the answer, I am fucking him anyways. Also, according to him, he takes a very long time, so I need to be ready to suck for a very long time. Very good. More dick for me! Moron dick that is.

As a matter on enquiry, to ask what my other friends, gay friends, think of the situation. I asked them if it was ok to sleep with a married guy. So, six out of six friends recently polled were of the opinion that it is perfectly ok. There were two basic opinions. The first one was that the management of his marriage and relationships is his problem and his issue and does not concern me. The second one was that married guys are amazing in bed and hence must be allowed to conduct their handywork. Good!

Endorphins

Day 10,080 – Sunday – 31 Chaitra 1930 – 13 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 20 April 2008

I hate my fucking Internet Wallah Guy. Not so much because my internet connection fucking sucks and I havent had a proper internet connection for the past two weeks. But because he is not cute at all and still insists on wearing tight t shirts and ugly shorts. And, although I am definitely not averse to male displays of skin, I would rather not see this guys skin. Unless I am horny. Which, nowadays, I am not.

So, things at work are finally working out well. Quite well. And no trouble on that front. Except for the fact that I have been told that I need to talking as loudly as I do because it disturbs other people. Sure, it is ok for everyone else in the building to scream their lungs out, but I think it is wrong if I do so. And when I say scream, I mean scream! People scream, and so do I. I am not loud goddamnit!!! So shut up!

And on an important note, I have changed three hair styles in the past two weeks. Three. And I dont think I am done. There were days, when I used to have a completely different hairstyle for work and a completely different one for the evening. Does this mean that my hair are wonderful and help me become a better person? Or does this mean that I need to hire a panel of psychologists and psychiatrists who need to study me and then suggest cures? I dont know. It is up to you readers to decide. And, to be honest, all this sudden explosion of typing. Endorphins. From the exercise. I love seratonin and endorphins. Sound like Ancient Turkish Gods. And if they are; I would like to sleep with both of them. Please!

As per earlier promises of sharing of information. My diet and exercise have had an effect. I have lost some weight, and most importantly, I think I am starting to loose inches as well. Which makes my climb the ladder of the sex arena. A very very helpful thought indeed!

And yes, things with Dr Sahib are going quite well.

Admonition

Sunday – 03 Muharram 1429 – 24 Pausa 1929 – 13 January 2008

1 – Goddamnit, do I have to carry around a pair of metal studden leather tongs to spank your asses purple when you go ahead and read things that are only meant for monthly catharsis? If no, then don’t read it, or, don’t reply. If yes, call me.

2 – Was quite unable to access internet at home since I have finally negotiated a portion in the house with a lot of privacy and was without internet till now.

3 – Need to get laid.

Pulse of the City

Tuesday – 04 Rajab 1424 – 11 Bhadra 1925 – 02 September 2003

hmmmmm. after saying that i hate it when i have to live without the internet i will proceed. and for about 4-5 days as well.

large cities like karachi are a world in thier own. their own accents. their own rhythms. their own flavour. and their own city. well i love being a part of this thing. also cities in south asia are generally very volatile and violence prone. maybe due to the harsh weather and the general tension infested life that we lead.

news spreads slowly in the city. rumours spread fast. yesterday two men from a major political party were shot dead in the city. rumours started flying immediately about rioting, arson and generally violence. when i went for a drive today i could see the traffic move faster and more desprately trying to avoid major chorangis(intersection). the first clue to something being wrong. then i heard the news about the two men.

karachi is a city that lives. it breathes. it moves. it awakens and it sleeps. there is complete rhythm to it. and small incidents cause it to become ill like any person may. i love this city. its people. its ways. its colours. its moves. hmmmmm. i think i am being too wierd right now. but that is me. wierd and sensitive.

and in other news. i heard a song yesterday. streets of philadelphia by bruch springstein. a friend of mine in college loved this song. as soon as i heard it severe nostalgia for my college life flooded in. encompassing me. all that was left. was me. the faces of my friends in college. their voices and their words. it is SEVERE nostalgia.

oh what a bitter sweet feeling. nostalgia. it feels so good. but it hurts so bad. nostalgia. ahhhhhhhhhh. what beautiful things people go through in their daily lives. nostalgia being one of them. i can still hear that friend of mine laughing and looking at me in that particular signature laugh of his. face slightly tilted. lip slightly curled. eyes half open due to the effect of the song. i will never forgot this. ahhhhhhhhhh nostalgia. what beauty lies in it.

Malice

Monday – 03 Rajab 1424 – 10 Bhadra 1925 – 01 September 2003

seething hatred. abomination and malicious wrath. at my isp. at my windows. at my new pc that got all fucked up. i havent been able to access the internet for some time now. past 3-4 days. i got a new pc. and i needed to install a software for my net to run. but my damned isp didnt reply to my calls or messages so i was without internet then the NEW computer got broke and i had to get it fixed. then when i got that back. the internet wasnt working from the isp. this is the first time i have had to post. i hate the isp and the new computer vendor and windows xp for crashing and forcing me to reinstall it. HATE YOU ALL !!! may you all burn in hell along with characters like adolf hitler and his naughty little mistress ;)

Exercise

Saturday – 17 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 25 Sravana 1925 – 16 August 2003

hmmm. well things have been going pretty smooth. except my internet connection. people, please dont scoff at me. i am aware of your predicament. i pass through it every night for an hour or two. it is horrible.

well one thing. the basic rule of having a cyber. never do it with someone when there is a lag longer than 20 seconds. and definitely not when the lag is 49 seconds.

except for that another thing i learnt today. when you try to push things that are too heavy you can hurt yourself. although i didnt do it. someone else did. but i learnt a lesson which is the point basically.

also i finally managed to work out. after no workouts for the last 5 years my body was in the perfect natural condition. prime in its natural beauty and width. so after just 4 push ups my body died. i saw my soul go upto the heaven. it was kicked back by the angels who were afraid it was so big that the heavens might fall down. so now i have to loose weight. not only to attract guys. but also to go to heaven. damn it. well the work outs went well. for those of you who know me this is a big thing. i have crossed over.

oh yes and also. when there is no electricity and you are playing with a candle. make sure you sit in such a way that it doesnt burn your hair ;) aslo make sure it doesnt drop melted wax on your fingers.

cheerio.

Virginity

Wednesday – 22 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 01 Sravana 1925 – 23 July 2003 

well there are three important things in this post. a realization. an action. and a feeling leading to another realization.

last night i was chatting with someone. it suddenly hit me. i am 22. i am gay. i am a virgin. i dont have a boyfriend. i have never had one. i have never had sex or any sexual or semi-sexual relations with another man. then WHAM! there is something wrong. so now i am not only looking for the love of my life. i am also looking for someone to ravish me and make me a non virgin. but i have to make sure it is safe as well (why do i do this to myself !). but as always i my first priority is the love of my life.

i told you guys we are shifting. sifting through the stuff i found. i foung a picture of my dad at his academy. he is in the police and very much a policemen. well he was about 30 at that time. what shocked and scared me was that i was completely turned on by some of my dads entry mates. i felt like a complete pervert after that. i cant keep from getting attracted anyone on paper, on screen or in person. i have to sleep with someone to get this out of my system.

and yes finally i did something outrageous for me. it was my first time. it was the first time some guy from my relatives my age did it. something that would be considered extremely forward for a guy my age 10 years ago. something that would be considered simply unacceptable for a guy when my dad was my age. something that would be considered worthy of the death penalty for a guy in when my granddad was my age.

i had a facial.

yes. i had a facial. my suddenly realization that since i am gay. all the rules of pakistani manhood do not apply to me. since i will not dating women i do not have to be extremely masculine and scruffy enough to be confused with sandpaper. and it felt wonderful. my sister gave me the facial. she told me all about it. so now i can do it when she is not here. also she told me where all the stuff will be. so it is in my reach. ahhhhhhhhh ! the life.

also i am so so so so so pleased as i write this paragraph. i met a guy on mirc about a month ago. it was a wonderful chat. all nighter. i liked him VERY VERY much. and also he liked me VERY VERY much. then he got disconnected and i didnt hear from him since. a few emails we sent at first but then he was lost. i tried to find him but in vain. now at this very moment i am chatting with him. yey. and it turns out he was also missing me. yey! and he also kept logs that he read twice in the interval. twice. YEY! so i didnt give him the address to this blog.

i dont want him to find out all the inherant flaws in me. and realize how much i have fallen for him. so i will leave now and see how my chat developes. bye. and wish me luck.

Strangers in the night

Saturday – 19 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 29 Asadh 1925 – 20 July 2003

OH MY GOD! the best of news ever. and the worst of news ever. first the best news.

i have finally been able to connect to irc. i go to a few channels there to meet people. actually i go there to find ‘the one’. well. i was there all night last night. i met someone.

it was so so so frikking scary the way we had things in common. at one time i was actually going to stop chatting coz i got really freaked. but it was awesome. we had so much in common. so much. at one moment i asked got so exasperated i asked him. “dont effing tell me your favourite colour is blue and your sign is virgo”. well i was expecting a different answer. but i got an answer that actually made me swoon. “actually my favourit coloyr is blue and i am a virgo” then he goes on and tells me. but i also like whites blacks and anything in between them and blue. OOOOO MMMMMYYYYYYY GGGGGOOOOODDDDD !!!!! i had goosebumps all over. because that is exactly what i would have said. this is just one thing. we have millions of other things in common.

i was so excited i couldnt focus. i was so so so shocked and happy. we bonded like hell. we TALKED ! everything was the same. we both belong to similar families. think alike. are similar situations. it was awesome. i think he might be ‘the one’. :)

well unfortunately i gave him the addy to my blog. but i hope he wont read it and think i haven fallen head over heels in love with him. and realize i am to desperate and psychotic and leave me. PLEASE ALLAH PLEASE make this one work.

i mean chatting with someone for all night here in pakistan means spending a night talking in america. oh it was magical.

maybe you people dont understand the importance of this night. it was THE night. and he is THE guy. i have never met someone who i was so interested in.

now comes the bad news.

he lives in rawalpindi. very very far away.

now comes the horrible news

I AM SUCH A MORON !!!

he is 5’7. i am attracted to men at least as tall as me. (he is perfect for me)

there is no other thing the problems. he is good looking. he is everything i can ever ask for. and here i am already creating issues. i dont like this i dont like that. there are too aools righ tnow. one is saying. this is wrong. that is wrong. the other is saying. shut the fuck up you moron. he is perfect. you have to look for another 10 years to find someone like him.

yes he is younger i like guys my age or slightly older. GODDAMIT YOU ARE A MORON AOOL

i hate myself. i wanted the perfect guy. i got him. now i am looking for everything. gooddamit man. i can get everything. GROW THE FUCK UP!

i am hating myself for this. i keep telling myself. even this guy is too good for me. but no. i dont listen. i want a man who had all the good qualities of all the men that currently reside on the atlantic seaboard. GODDAMIT you cant have all that. it is just not possible. i am a mess i hate myself. he is perfect. PERFECT !!!. i dont know what is wrong with me.

i am keeping my criterion so high that noone EVER! will come upto it. and someone actually does that. he will not stay with me because 1 hed be an angel and having a homosexual relationship would be out of the question or 2 he will find someone upto his standards and his liking where i will definitely not fit.

GOD I HATE THIS !!! i have the perfect guy but i want more. HELP ME !!! ALLAH !!!

Shopping

Friday – 17 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 27 Asadh 1925 – 18 July 2003 

wonderful weather. i repeat wonderful weather. dark clouds. light rain. cool breeze. sun breaking clouds in some places. my favourite weather ever(concepts of good weather are VERY different for pakistan and america/europe)

so what is wrong. you are usually bitching in your posts. whats wrong now. well nothing much. just that something happened to the internet. it went down. the connection to server went down. i didnt have internet for about 12 hours. i tried and tried to fix it but failed. then i got a stream of friends to check it out. finally the guy from the isp came and fixed it. i hate that company. i hope they all fall down directly on their noses.

thats about it for my rants. now i will continue with something useful. i had to go with my sister for shopping today. something that tells you about pakistan. also something where i am SHOCKINGLY still bitching.

no no. no no no. no no. it wasnt fun. it isnt fun. ask any pakistani man. anyone from amongst those 75 million that we are. and the answer will be the same. WE HATE TO GO SHOPPING WITH WOMEN !!! sometimes we pretend we like it but we dont. we HATE it. my sister spent 4 hours sifting through clothes and shoes. 4 FRIKKING HOURS !!! and she just got one of each.

i had to sit in one store for about 1 hour. 1 HOUR ! while she looked at stuff. every time asking me for my opinion and after i gave it then going ahead as if i never gave it. saying to herself loud enough for me to hear. men dont know about this. i was ready to scream. she kept on like this for 4 hours. ok i am gay. i am effeminate. but today prooves that i am a man. i am as man as a man can be.

i dont know what the american conterpart of this scenario is. it is just the defining difference between men and women in pakistan. men cant go shopping with women in pakistan and like it. it is as plain as a penis and a lack of it. but you cant check that in the bazaars can you?

i have noticed that in my posts. i bitch a lot. maybe more than all the world blogging community put together. well next time maybe just maybe ill post a non bitching post. if anyone wants to see that tell me. so i might try at least for your sake.