Archive for love
Day 10,102 – Monday – 22 Vaisakh 1930 – 06 Jamadi ul Awwal 1429 – 12 May 2008
What utter, absolute, insane, useless madness! Why the hell do I get a proposition of the softer kind from a woman every fortnight. Why? I shall pen my reply for the coming generations to read. No, I do not want to sleep with you. No, I do not want to fall in love with you. No, I do not want to marry you. And no, I do not want to spend the rest of my life fathering your children. Thank you very much. I would rather have sex with OC from work, if only I had the courage to go upto him and he turns out to be gay, and if he is interested in sex, and if he is interested in me and we are able to find a suitable setting that will allow sex. And now that I have shown you all how seriously I feel about being propositioned by women I think I will still be able to marry a lesbian. Insane, you say? Yes, I reply.
Longish story shortish, doesnt make sense, but I went out for dinner with FF. Now she is a very close friend of a very close friend. And for some reason she thinks that the dinner was not a dinner. She thinks it was a “Dinner Thing”. I will give my listing of engagements below, but till such time, a dinner thing with FF is not a good thing. I can do dinner things with men, with whome there are possibilities, but with women it is just disturbing. As is all the incessant chatter about feelings and emotions. For Goodnesses sake, if I had feelings and emotions I would be menstruating right now.
So, I have no idea what to tell FF. She is expecting something, a call or another dinner or something. And here I am fuck scared of what to do. Maybe I am becoming a normal man, fear of commitment, not calling up women you meet up. Etc. Etc. But, all the same, I cant tell her I am gay, so I need an excuse.
Ladies? Your help required. Which is the best possible excuse?
Another thing, since my engagement has fallen apart and I was uncereminiously dumped by Dr Sahab after having fallen in love with him, women just cant get enough of me. I tell them that even though I didnt like my fiance I was ready to do it for the sake of family honour and she still dumped me, I can see the expression in their eyes stating firmly that my fiance was an idiot and I am God. Of course when I talked about Dr Sahab (converted into a female of course) and the fact that I fell in love with him (her sic?); the eyes, the eyes of the women I tell this to; their eyes become mellow and soft and pink. I can not explain. It is as if in their personal list of human beings I have climbed up twenty billion rungs of the ladder of humanity.
Ah, to be able to manipulate. I love it!
Day 10,090 – Wednesday – 10 Vaisakh 1930 – 23 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 30 April 2008
From 00:06 on the 6th of April 2008 to 22:20 on the 30th of April 2008. 25 days. 598 hours. 35,895 minutes. An exceptionally beautiful period of my life. Everything, completeness and absolution. Generally, words are too ill designed to define beauty. So is the case here. I can only describe comparable feelings and snippets of thought that will be so personalized that the words that describe a cosmos’ worth of meaning to me would mean nothing to anyone else. So, I will not. Because I can not. If there is anything called love / lust at first sight; this was it. And more. Since the first instant, my beliefs that had taken ages to develop in a different environment, came crashing down. I matured at the rate of months per hour. I was transformed completely. Maybe forever.
I get a message at 22:20 on the 30th of April 2008. “yar dont you think we lack in chemistry.i do.it is like we are siblings.have not felt any sparks.it is good that we did not label it.we are better off as friends.what do you think”. Which, as per the norms of the rules of human behaviour and conduct, resulted in an immediate phone call. 11 minutes and 58 seconds later; it was over. It was already too good to be true. I can not have it. Done. Final. Bye. I tried, and also wanted, to spend every moment of my life with him. But. The inevitable but. What beautiful words, if and but. So little, yet so much.
May God save us from unrequited love.
I can still remember the time when he either nodded off or was just lying there. I was wearing my Che Guevara T shirt. He was on my left, cradled in my arms. His nose buried in Che’s beret. I remember thinking at that point in time that I felt so complete that I could do this forever. Later on, when I went home, I sniffed Che’s beret, so I could have the same feeling that he did. And see if he had left any imprint on it. I hate that shirt now.
Humans are such complex creatures. We need to lie. Sugarcoat. Lie. Tell untruths. Use words. Massage egos. Safeguard feelings. And hence, eventually prove to ourselves that since we are not inordinately harsh, in our opinion, on others, we are good people. We rationalize our every action. Since all humans do this, all humans know that the other person is doing this. So, as per the rules of any break up call, I was told that “you are a very nice guy”. Firstly, why the fuck would anyone want to be a nice guy, when they can be marauding barbarians brimming with fulfilled sexual urges. Secondly, I dont understand what the fuck being a nice guy means. Thirdly, why the fuck cant people be original. I mean, sure, you are going to wrench someone’s heart out. But, at least try to be original. It makes for good stories and blog entries after that person has finally gotten over you.
All said and done. He told me multiple times that he didnt feel “the thing” since the beginning. And I was told that this was precisely the reason why I was told very early on not to label this as anything. I did not. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I should know that if I dont label it in congress I should not label it personally. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He took this long because he wanted to ensure that this lack of feeling “the thing” was not due to the issues that he is facing in life. Fair enough. Basically, in plain English, he didnt find me attractive. Period. I mean, sure, I know I am not a good looking guy. And I realize this was not said, but sugarcoated. But, this was definitely not good for my over inflated ego.
After reading all this, I need not have to say this, but, there was no sex in the relationship. There were two occasions when we were alone, and on both occasions I got a bit amorous. Sorry. Horny young man in the presence of possible sex. I need to be forgiven. Please. I realized a couple of days after the second attempt that he did not feel at all attracted to me. He stopped me on both occasions with yet more sugarcoated sentences. Now, I feel so disgusting, so vile, so perverted. I feel like I was conducting rape. I actually shudder when I think of the ramifications of the thing. I just hope I wash myself of this feeling. I dont think most people can understand this, but it was disgusting. I feel so seriously unclean after this experience that it is not easy to explain or write this down.
Guys, and also girls, it doesnt really fucking matter if you have a good personality. It doesnt. It is about the looks. Trust me. For one, I am a guy, and I know this. The ones with the good personality are made friends, and the good looking ones are slept with. Choose your pick. Would you like conversation or sex? I mean, at least for me, I am clear on this. In case you still didnt understand. It is the latter. I have learnt that one should never subordinate sex to any other feelings. I will not do that again.
I was also told that since I am a nice guy he would like to be friends. Sure, it is very easy for you, wrench my heart out and then smile back and want to be friends. I dont know what to do. I dont want to seem weak and vulnerable and sulk. So, I will have to maintain a pretence of friendship. But it is not supposed to be long, he is going to go abroad in a month and a half. I think I can pass that amount of time like this. Hopefully. Fuck. It just feels so fucking painful to just be told sorry good bye all of a fucking sudden. I dont think I have been able to process this. I just started writing as soon as the call was over. Maybe I dont want to deal with this.
There is another thing. I am an idiot. He had been hinting at this for at least a week now. Seems so in retrospect. I just didnt get the hint. I attributed it to something or the other. But the fact of the matter is that I am very very very bad with hints. I keep persisting, until someone tells me in plain English that they are not interesting and that I will not be a part of their life any more. At least I can say that I learnt one thing in this relationship. I should not be making any more effort than the other person and if their interest in me wanes a bit, I should label the relationship as dead. Making an effort on my part and giving the other person the benefit of the doubt is incredibly stupid. It makes things difficult both of myself and the other guy. Lesson learnt. Life will move on.
So, basically, something that I was ready to do anything for. Something that I had invested in emotionally. Something that no words can explain. A happy edge to my life. A beautiful taste to my food. A strong fragrance in my breath. It is over. And all I can do is blog about it.
Yet again, a farewell. One that is so painful to go through, but, a farewell none the less.
PS – Written on Thursday morning. He called me up to meet up with him and a friend last night. Since I had already told him I will do this earlier on in the day, I said yes. I could not say no. It would have been awkward. So, we met up. Incredibly painful. Incredibly. I can not explain. And I seem to have kept up appearances quite reasonably. The moment I got out of the car and said good bye. I knew it. I can not see him again. It is just so fucking painful. I can not see him again.
It is over.
Day 10,085 – Friday – 05 Vaisakh 1930 – 18 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 25 April 2008
As defined by my friend AI from university, “relationships are a bitch”. Which when translated into the language of RA, the guy who sits in front of me at work, becomes, “relayshaships are a biyatch”. I love the word biyatch, it is a lot more direct and final than bitch. Moving on. Things with Doctor Sahab are going quite well. I am not going to be blogging about my relationship. I just will not. So help me God! But I will be blogging about themes of relationships that I have experienced in the past and that others have experienced. Interesting topic.
Even though I am quite psychotic, but, I do not make an effort in my relationship because I have to. I do it because of the way I feel about this thing. I do it because I want to. I have not reached the phase of commitment. Keeping in view my severe desire to keep absolutely independent whilst everyone around me adores me and makes me the centre of attention at all times, I will not be putting too much effort into this thing; because I have to. I am making the effort because I want to.
It is not because I am evil, afraid of commitment, self centered, oh and yes, “a bitch” – as per my evil friend SR from work. It is because I have just not reached that stage of this relationship.
And, as for the whole concept of demand and supple of effort, as opposed to the concept of demand and supply of products by Adam Smith, I have realized, that I do want him to make an effort. Something that scared the fucking hell out of me in each past relationship. I was told, in so many words, that I needed to make some effort. I mean, me, the paragon of nicety and selflessness, not making an effort! Let the Gods shudder!
Of course, despite being evil and sarcastic, I have not said this to Dr Sahab. I have learnt just one thing from all of my past failures at relationship management, do not tell people that they are not making an effort.
Of course, after Dr Sahab I now know how the other person feels. When the other person says, “you said you will call but you didnt. Why?” or when the other person says “you are free right now, but you are going out with friends?” and other such things. That is just not right, and it is dangerous. Because the moment you say something like that, the other person freaks the fuck out and wants to run out the nearest exit, no matter how much they like you.
Imagine a Deer, a beautiful young virile male deer with his antlers held high. Free as a buck. And then imagine an evil eyed doe, beautiful and young but with a huge noose of thorns and flesh cutting metallic protrusions. And then imagine the deer realizing that for the rest of his life, he will be held liable for every time he doesnt make a call or goes out with his friends or just needs to not pay excessive attention to the doe. Ok. So the guys get it. But the women – dont judge me, I am just the messenger of the turth of the species. Not the one who designed them.
But, the fact of the matter is that. I want effort. Because every time an effort is made, it makes me feel satisfied in the way this relationship is going. It makes clear the level of commitment of the other person. It provides me with a certainty, a finality, a sudden feeling of calm.
But, and please read this part, since I am not married to him, yet, I am not going to ask him to make an effort, because there is no other surefire way of making him run away than that. And frankly, I dont want him to make any effort that is out of the way for him. I want him to let this thing grow as naturally as it will grow. If it works out, it works out. If it doesnt, it doesnt. No artificial commitments.
Oh, and for once, I am not playing any games whatsoever.
PS – A relationship between two gay guys, who behave like straight guys as far as intimacy is concerned, is very very very very very difficult. Since there is absolutely no sharing of information on the topics of emotions and feelings, it is very dificult to gauge where everyone is. But, ladies! We do indeed get to share that, just by knowing the other person and not demanding to be told every five fucking seconds. Thank you.
Day 10,066 – Sunday – 17 Chaitra 1930 – 28 Rabi ul Awwal 1429 – 06 April 2008
From 0006 last night to 0614 in the morning.
The night; the senselessness; the reparte; the thoughts; the heat; the campus; the desire; the foreboding; the ultimate question; the weather; the hope; the morning; the ideas; the exchange; the excitement; the emotions; the city; the roads; the tour; the mosquitoes; the feelings; the opening up; the driving; the dawn; the expectations; the wind; the fears; and the feeling of absolutely unbridled youth. Everything. Completeness. And more. Beautiful.
Oh my God. Wow. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Wow. Oh my Fucking God! Wow! Fuck!
Sunday – 09 Safar 1429 – 28 Magha 1929 – 17 February 2008
Well, the recent writers block has been violently overturned due to personal, official and political developments.
After the sad demise of my extremely disfunctional and painful engagement, I have been free to partake of the bounties of the world. Despite the psychosis, depression, hyperexcitement, body image issues, obesity and of course the abject fear of meeting complete strangers who might end up killing or looting me I have managed to garner a reasonable love life for myself. Let us not jump any guns. I am not romantically inclined towards anyone right now. Though I have managed to get one or two dates a week for the past one month. And of course, that is quite exciting to start off with. So, I am back in the game.
Gentlemen – Send your applications at my email address. The ability to communicate in human languages, a good sense of humour and of course being sexually attractive will definitely be a plus.
Ladies – If you are of the homosexual inclination and want nothing more than to marry a man who will understand you and has been voted the best-husband-to-be by a group of seven women please send your applications at my email address. A good sense of humour, a proper education and of course the ability to bear offspring who will beat off all the other competitors and hunt the largest prey will be a plus.
On the official front, I was recently sent on a Pan Pakistan training, fact finding and team building tour. Hyderabad, Quetta, Multan, Faisalabad, Lahore, Sialkot, Islamabad and Peshawar. After four flights and seven bus rides over a period of two weeks I have ended up meeting about two hundred colleagues from across the length and breadth of the country. It went very well, I saw more of Pakistan in a two week period than I could ever have in such a short time span. The eve of elections, the sexually charged winters and the mad dash to the next station all added to the overall excitement of an endeavour as insane as I am as a person. After this sentence I can see my English teacher standing behind my shoulders with a cane in her hand. “Propositions, preposition!, PREPOSITION!!!, use them, and stop writing like a dawdly”. I have no idea what a “dawdly” is, but I do not want to be one. I digress, the trip went well. All work and no play.
But, alive to my reputation of having dirty eyes, I present to you a ranking of men from cities across Pakistan, using the following factors – masculinity, beauty, wit, humour, finesse, class and of course added weightage for the first two purely physical factors. Please keep this handy, you will never in your whole life come across a list as interesting as this. Or the previous one, where I counted how much traffic passes in front of the City Court in the evening by hour.
1 – Karachi
2 – Islamabad
3 – Peshawar
4 – Lahore
5 – Quetta
6 – Sialkot
7 – Faisalabad
8 – Hyderabad
9 – Multan
Or course visiting nearly the whole country right before the elections has made me fairly clear about how the election will turn out.
Tuesday – 06 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 14 Sravana 1925 – 05 August 2003
well in case someone(read A.A) missed this. i already have a boyfriend. A.A. so i am taken.
you happy now A.A. and yes for gods sake leave a comment. all other boyfriends do that.
for those of you who dont know about this. i met A.A. on mirc. liked him instantly. and shockingly he liked me as well. he was the first person that i knew on mirc who i told about my blog. he is the first person who i have sent a picture with a motive in mind. actually i am doign that as i write this. this coming a paranoid freak like me is shocking. also i am going to call him soon ;). another big big break for a paranoid freak like me.
so thats it. bye now. ill post later.
Tuesday – 28 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 07 Sravana 1925 – 29 July 2003
OH MY GOD !!! it is true. i have found another gay blogger from karachi !!!!! there are others like me in this world. i am not alone !!! i am not alone !!! well it is a relief. it is like being on a desolate island without any people. looking for people . andsuddenly after being all alone for two months. you see a human walking. and it is the utmost of relief and happiness. and tears of joy. well maybe i am making a bit toooooo dramatic. but what the hell. it is a nice nice nice thing to see someone else like me.
and you know what. he wrote the most flattering of comments about me. he said that he fell in love with me “swoon” he also liked my about me page “swoon” and he is from karachi. and he blogs too. there are only about 20-30 bloggers in karachi that is what i figure. this is so wonderful. his pseudonym is danial.