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Edge

Monday – 12 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 20 Sravana 1925 – 11 August 2003

my life is one big miserable hell. i know i know here he goes again but it is. i hate it. for the past three years i have been severely depressed and severely elated by turns. a friend once told another friend about me that i am mentally unstable. well he was right. i am. right now i am severely depressed. actually suicidally depressed. that is coz i am home. a different concept for most people. not for me. i hate being home.

well i dont know why i am writing this post but i am writing it. i hate this life. if an angel were to come and give me a choice to die i will take it immadiately. but with one condition noone should get hurt. noone else should get hurt because i am a coward. my cowardice should not be their fault. why should someone suffer for someone elses sefish desire to end unbearable pain day in and day out.

another reason why i havent managed to commit suicide yet is because i am an idiot. i care too much about people. i nearly went through with it in college. but when i was about to drink something i realized i had just had a horrible fight with a friend. if i do this he can blame himself. i would destroy his life. which i dont want. i just want mine to end without anyone elses being destroyed. same is the case right now. i am NOT getting along with my mom. she knows it. if i FUCKING kill myself she will think it has something to do with her. GODDMANIT !!! cant i just fucking kill myself without thinking over it a million times.

oh i seem to stopped my fucking suicidal ranting. so i shall continue with it. i cannot drink this fucking bottle of medicine in front of me because i am a fucking human who has relations. and they will get too fucking hurt if i drink it. so the only thing i can do is look at it longingly. make believe i drink it. and die and am released of this pain. but i cant do it. GODDAMNIT !!! i hate this.

i have lost all hope and belief in life. i dont want to life. i dont want to continue this neverending cycle of pain and sorrow for myself. i dont want to live. i would die happily were it not for the lives of people linked with me. why why why. if allah made me like this why couldnt he have made it so i dont have anyone to think about before i drink that bottle.

i am so sorry i am doing this to all of you who have to read this. i am so sorry. but i dont care any more. it is because i care that i am alive and not dead. it is because i care that i didnt drink that bottle and am still fucking here. i am so sorry to put this all on you. i made this blog as an emotional release. but now i have gotten to know some of you so well that i cannot hurt you. but you dont know. thank god. at least i can talk about what i think. at least we dont know each other that well.

DAMNIT … now i will have to make a private blog where i can say all this. and not feel as if it will effect anyone. please please. if you can understand what i wrote. please do not get affected by what i said. just read it and try to learn from but. but dont feel it. i would not want to be someone who causes anyone pain or sorrow. i just want all this to end. with noone feeling any pain or sorrow for me. my family happy.

sometimes i think i will go and have sex with another man and come home drunk and tell my family. then commit suicide. maybe they will think it is for the best. but i cant. because then my family will keep thinking that they had a son why didnt he turn out like any other normal person. i dont want to let them down. but fuck man i have let every one down. i have let everyone down. even myself. damn it. damn it all.

Suffocation in the Closet

Monday – 05 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 13 Sravana 1925 – 04 August 2003 

i am very upset today. this will be a long post. so brace yourselves.

well here in pakistan the patters of hanging out are very different. for example the guys in our street hang out in our street. we sit somewhere or stand somewhere. and keep talking. keep making jokes. or keep making fun of someone. that is what we do. at times for hours on end. that is how we hang out.

when we make fun of each other we talk about all things. well day before yesterday one of the guys called me gay. and i asked him to come inside to my room and ill prove myself. everyone laughed. it was like a jalal 1 – opponent 0 moment. i won. hundreds of other such things happened. i forgot about this happening that very day.

what is bothering me is my mom overheard me saying that. well i am not masculine. i am feminine. so my family suspects that there is something wrong. also i think someone once thought she saw me watching pics of guys. so they suspect. well after what my mom heard yesterday she was completely shocked.

she talked to my cousin about this. yesterday. she told him what she heard. she told him about the other incident. she told him about my not having a girl friend. she told him she was very concerned. she told him she cannot sleep. she is having migraine again. she is worried as hell. she is being strange with me. its like she doesnt know how to talk to me any more.

my cousin told her there is nothing like that. he told her all the guys from the gali(street) say such stuff to each other. nothing to worry about. then she calmed down.

but that is not the problem. the problem is what do i do. i cannot tell her about my being gay. it will just kill her. i mean come on this isnt europe where people will deal with it. in pakistan i am a thing. i am not a person i am a thing. i am the man who caused allah to send down an azaab(destruction) on the people of lut. i am that person. i am a sinner. i am a man who will go to hell. i am that thing.

well my mom will be easy to explain things to. she is a woman and a mother. what about my dad. good god in heaven. he is a policeman. i think i dont need to tell anything else. he is like this masculine guy. who i am sure has been making fun of feminine and gay guys for the last 30 years. at least. on a daily basis. for him to find out that i am gay. WHOA ! it will kill him. or maybe it will kill me.

god damn it. i just wish i didnt have to deal with this. but i do. i am just thinking of getting permanent in my job and settling down. maybe then i can talk to them. i dont know. anytime i tell them it will hurt them a lot. oh god. damn it. this sux. i cannot do this. also my sisters. they are so young. for them being gay so much more worse. they wont even understand what my parents will.

i am completely ok being gay with myself. but when my family comes in i wish i were straight. or i wish i had a brother. i am an only son. a concept lost on westerners. but asians will understand exactly what it means to be an only son. and being gay on top of that.

for the last 22 years ammi and abbu have been thinking about me. about how they will find the perfect girl for me. about how i will have a wonderful family life. about how i will have all the best in life. about how they will be proud of their only son. well that cant fucking happen now can it. i am fucking gay. no marriage. no family. no normal life. also i will go to hell. a proof of their failure as parents. god i hate this.

now i dont know what to do. i am angry and sad and i dont know what i am feeling. maybe guilt. i dont know.