Archive for paranoia


Day 10,031 – Sunday – 23 Safar 1429 – 12 Phalgun 1929 – 02 March 2008

Being quite insane and prone to different tastes of psychosis does make life difficult for me at times. Over thinking, over analysing, over objectifying, over doing things is a basic part of my nature. And top the chocolate cake with an overly large cherry, I also think about how I overdo all of the above. I fear psychosis and insanity as much as I overthink it. And fear that as well. Being someone who over indulges in all of the above does make me different, and wierd, and scary and maybe even quite insane. But, in the end, my love of insanity and the importance that I place on it are added cherries on the already cherry speckled chocolate cake that I was talking about earlier.

When I was in college I got ample opportunities to use drugs. I did not take them. I always knew that if for any given reason through any given means, I am shown a world of an alternate reality, I will end up using it more than it should be used. And, with time, the lines between the reality and the make belief will fade. Yes, I am indeed this insane. And, so is the rest of the post going to be. And, once the lines fade, I will never be able to jar myself back to what I can call beloved reality. I can not play with this. For me it is fire.

During the course of college I learnt about Lucid dreaming. I even conducted a few experiments. But, after my first, albeit very brief and weak, lucid moment, I realized that I am going down the wrong path. Same thing, if I start doing it, I know I will overdo it. I know I will want lucid dreaming all the time. And I know I will get so engrossed in it that I will create an alternate reality. But, and but, and but, if these two realities collapse into one confused mess. How will I ever know which is the real one? How? And, if that does happen, how will I operate in the real world. Oh, and yes, that is another story all together.

I already have too many questions regarding the real world. Now, caution is advised for the sane, slightly insane, and complete insane. You must read the following only if you will not go insane reading it. I will not have it on my conscience.

I have the following issues with reality as we speak. There is an idea that comes into my mind, and I cannot shake it away, and at times I think it might be true.

I am 70 years old, and I am in a coma, and I am in a hospital, and none of this is real. And that my lucidity, my life, my experiences are all just a dream that I get as part of my coma. So, my realm of reality is a comatose dream, and I have learnt to think of it as reality.

I am 45 years old, and I think I am 27 and what I write about in this blog. But I am not. I am someone else, somewhere else. Suffering from severe multiple personality syndrome. And I do not know who that guy is.

I am who I am, but, noone else is who they are, I am living in a world like that of that wierd Jim Carrie movie where the guy is living in an unreal world made for him. Trust me, this is not just me saying it, at times I feel that it is true.

So, I hope you all liked it, I made myself vulnerable, and weak infront of all of you, so if I am indeed 45 or in that wierd Jim Carrie movie, just fucking act along and dont come over and ask me how I know all this. I expect a bit of sanity from the rest of the human race. Thank you. My absolute lack of knowing what reality and lucidity are and my dabbling with the morbid and the insane regarding this should be restricted to.

And, or, I might just be someone elses dream.

I have just realized as I write this, that I will indeed become insane with time. And I would love to continue writing after I do become insane. It should be fun.

Again, please, dear all humans, I am after all this expecting sanity from the rest of you. Because, like I said earlier on, I am a self centered guy, and I might end up asking things from you that I myself am not able to agree to.

With that, I promise from the depth of my possibly fictional heart that I will try to bring more sanity to my post for tomorrow.

Phone Bell

Tuesday – 13 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 21 Sravana 1925 – 12 August 2003 

.hmmmmm. after thinking too much over whether to call or not to call. today i finally worked up the nerve to call him. A.A. that is. yey for me and my progressing relationship.

we were having tea when i saw a phone booth. voila. well i went there. hands trembling. heart fluttering. will he like me ? will i like him ? will he sweep me off my feet with his voice ? will he like my voice ? yes yes i know it is just a phone call. but it is my first to some guy that i am interested in and he knows that too. a big jump in our relationship. the next level. the level where we not only see characters on the screen from each other but also listen to each others voice and emotions. VERY intimate keeping in view my track record.

well i called finally. no one picked up. i called again. same thing. i can accept this for a home phone. but how dumb do you have to be to leave your cellphone unattended for about half an hour. well i called about 5 times and every time no one picked up. all my expectations in vain. all my desires in the dust. all my passions washed away. so i am going to turn into a MEGA HE bitch :)

A.A. mail me and apologize. NOW !

otherwise the day was VERY VERY dull the only other things of interest would include me opening the mouse from behind (i know, dirty) and cleaning the dirt from the ball. and also me dropping about three tables spoons of water when i tried to drink it hastily in the afternoon.

yes. that is just how boring my life can get at times. :)

oh and i forgot. today my boss told me that a certain word means XYZ in urdu. but i told him it meant ABC and that he was wrong basically. we looked each other in the eyes. i so fucking knew i was right. so i went to my desk immediately and got a lughat(urdu dictionary). he was right. i was wrong. i have never been that ashamed in my life. first for not knowing the meaning of a word in urdu. then for acting like such a prick with such a nice guy as my boss. so now i am thinking of showering him with a few rewards so he does not hate me for my obvious character flaws. example make sure he knows as soon as the tea comes so he can have it hot. also to make sure i clean his desk with a tissue because he hates when there is thin file of dust on it.

awwwwww. i am so cute. ;). and so maternal. EWWWW !!! no !!! (neanderthal accent) i am man. i eat meat. i kill deer. i cook deer. i tear flesh. ahhhhhhhhhhh. thank goodness. for a moment there i though i was overacting with the maternal thing.

have fun y’all. and yes, you donot have to tell me. todays post WAS nice.