Archive for pathos

Slipping

Day 10,033 – Tuesday – 25 Safar 1429 – 14 Phalgun 1929 – 04 March 2008 

Life sucks. Hate life. Want to move out to my own place. But, I talked to my parents about moving out again. And my mom said that she will not let me live like that since she still thinks I am a baby and can not care for myself. And my father gave me psycho babble about how everyone will say that my mother and sisters have been abandoned to live alone. But he said, that if I still wanted it, I can move out. But then he told me that it will destroy the family and he will have to leave his job.

So basically, they both said no. So, I force myself, discipline myself, organize myself and push myself each living moment to feel life and enjoy life and live life. But, I can not live my fucking life if there are people standing there to ensure that anything that I might want in life is denied to me because according to them it is not the right way for me to live.

Fuck this.

I have never been this depressive in my whole life. I force myself to keep away from the depression. But it just doesnt go away. I dont know whether I would want the rest of my life to end up being depressive half the time and fighting it the other half.

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Breakdown

Wednesday – 29 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 08 Sravana 1925 – 30 July 2003 

i am scum. i am fucking scum. i am the worst human ever on the face of this fucking planet. i am a curse sent down by allah upon my parents for their past sins. i am a curse sent down by allah upon my sisters for their future sins. i just wish there was some fucking way of dying without pulling my whole family through the trauma. if only there were a way for me to end this miserable existence and noone to get hurt now or ever.