Archive for relationships

Break ups

Day 10,289 – Tuesday – 25 Agrahayana 1930 – 17 Zilhaj 1429 – 16 December 2008

First, I would like to announce, albeit with a pang of guilt and sorrow, that it seems that I am not into self obsessed narcissistic dicks any more.

So, if you want to meet me only because you want me to drive you to some place where you can have coffee and then buy something that you were supposed to buy anyways and I am just the stupid prick who drives to your place, picks you up, takes you out, then buys your stuff for you and then drops you back home. And, if you will never ever call me or message me but make an issue if I dont call you any given day. And basically, if you are a self obsessed narcissistic vapid moron who does not have the ability to realize that two people make a relationship and that you have to respect other people then I am sorry, but it is over between us.

That being said. I am single again.

God!

It is so fucking pathetic, I can not even begin to describe.

Coitophobia

Day 10,273 – Sunday – 09 Agrahayana 1930 – 01 Zilhaj 1429 – 30 November 2008

Ok. So, I think that after my recent “relationship” I am going to be afraid of relationships and sex.  Voila, a new phobia is born.

I am not going to date fucking idiots simply because I think they are hot.

Monogamy

Day 10,246 – Friday – 12 Asvina 1930 – 03 Shawwal 1429 – 03 October 2008

1 – I feel that there is something wrong with me and I dont feel the want or desire or the excitement of blogging any more; at all.

2 – I hate the concept of monogamy. Hate it!

Writing

Day 10,178 – Sunday – 05 Sravana 1930 – 23 Rajab 1429 – 27 July 2008

And as suddenly as it started. The writers block is over. I have so much to write about. I am suddenly very happy, very excited and very high on how things are with me. Although the fact that I am not immeasurably rich and have the sexual capacity of a rabbit and the choice of sexual partners similar to Justin Timberlake is a constant nag, but I move on in life and enjoy what I do indeed have, as should everyone else, except the fact that this is such an incredibly long sentence that anyone who is still reading has not idea what I am talking about, hence the requirement for psychosis inhibiting pills to be crushed and added to my meals on a regular basis.

So, my ex fiance wants to get back together with me. I don’t know why. She broke off the engagement because she felt that I, read the word “I” again in a very self obsessed narcissistic manner and you will understand the actual pronunciation, had too many issues. Of course I did. No one is perfect. Then why are you coming back to me to beg, and I mean beg, me to take her back. Why? I am so confused? If I didn’t hate her enough for having rejected me, as would anyone else on the face of this planet who does get rejected, I would start doing it simply for this idiotic thing that she has started. I mean come on. You rejected me, left me, dumped me and broke of our engagement. And now you want me to take you back. I am sorry, but revenge is a dish best served cold. You left me once, and I am doing it now. I love being a heartless, calculating, evil man. It is so satisfying.

And then, as if my life was not stressful enough with all the excessive hunting for sex, I get a phone call at 1 am in the morning, it is NA’s mother in law saying that NA has not come home, is he with me. Of course, being a man, I immediately tell her that he was with me, but he must be at the game, at this time his wife takes the phone and starts talking to me. I am very very scared for NA. But, I cant show it, because, one – his wife will get worried, and two – he is my friend so I have to lie for him. So I tell her that he may not be able to use his phone because it was not working during the day. I am so delectably evil and yet available for sex at short notice. I change in 57 seconds, yes I saw this on the watch, and got to my car to find NA the idiot. But, just as I was starting my car, three minutes after the call, NAs wife calls me and tells me that he just called. I am so amazingly nice and yet available for sex at short notice.

Oh, and yes, me and my friend HS went to the wall on the beach. Amazing. It was incredibly cloudy and windy and the waves were absolutely crazy. Loved it. And since HS’s wife reads this, no, we did not smoke a lot. We are both trying to cut back, and we are both reasonable adults who do not lead self destructive lives. There, I said it!

Why the fuck cant I dance well. I hate not being able to dance well. Fuck!

Net Dating

Day 10,152 – Tuesday – 10 Asadha 1930 – 26 Jamadi us Sani 1429 – 01 July 2008

Being a gay guy in Pakistan means a lot of things. One of them means that one has to go the extra mile to find other people. Since I am very bad at keeping friendships / acquaintances intact in the gay circle I need to find new people online all the time. There is a very small group of gay people, about four or five, who I am in regular contact with, and recently they have even set me up with a couple of guys. But, suffice to say, the internet is the primary medium of finding sex, lust, affection and love in my life. Could things be geekier. No. Could thing be wierder in the Pakistani environment. Yes. Thankfully for me. Despite be delightfully insane I am only marginally lower than the national average. Good for social life, bad for overly sensitive self elevating ego.

Of course there are so many absolutely interesting things emanating from the whole concept of internet based dating that I would be exceedingly cruel, stupid and boring not to recount some of my favourites.

Of course the most interesting of all is the details. In order of appearance these are; the first question asl (age sex location); the second tbvo (top bottom versatile oral); and the third stats (general idea of visual appearance). Then there is some descriptive discussion and eventually there is the exchanging of the name and email and phone number. Now, the rule is, you can lie about your name (only if you in the closet). That is it. You can not lie about any of the other details. If you are 6’0 high, then you can not tell me 6’2 because when I meet you I am going to fucking see through that. You fucking imbecile. You can not fucking lie about direct physical appearance cues. Moron! So, I get this guy today, he tells me he is 28. Then after we decide on where and when to meet, he asks me “what is your real age?”. I tell him “It is the same as the fake age I gave above, what is your real age?”. It was 30. Idiot. I decided not to suck his dick in the next 20 minutes when we were supposed to get together. And of course, the same goes for penis size. Dude, if it is 6 inches I will know. Dont tell me it is 7.5 inches. Or I will leave you hard and dry, in bed, like I did another jerk. I mean, fucking idiots. Do they think everyone else is blind. And of course the lying only makes it worst when you are discovered.

So, people out there. Please do not lie about things. Because when you do get someone interested in you. It will be worthwhile. And the sex will be, oh so much better!

There was this guy I met a couple of days earlier. Nothing. So, I decided to send him an sms stating, “Dude, lets just not continue this. It would never have worked out in any way”. I get a reply, “Who is this?”. To which, after much relief I replied, “Good. Done!”. And as simply as that, the whole thing is over. I love language.

Oh, Oh, Oh! I met this married guy online. According to him, he is a pure top. Question – What the fuck is a pure top? Is it a bottle headed moron who can not understand that sex is about pleasure? I dont care about the answer, I am fucking him anyways. Also, according to him, he takes a very long time, so I need to be ready to suck for a very long time. Very good. More dick for me! Moron dick that is.

As a matter on enquiry, to ask what my other friends, gay friends, think of the situation. I asked them if it was ok to sleep with a married guy. So, six out of six friends recently polled were of the opinion that it is perfectly ok. There were two basic opinions. The first one was that the management of his marriage and relationships is his problem and his issue and does not concern me. The second one was that married guys are amazing in bed and hence must be allowed to conduct their handywork. Good!

Madness

Day 10,102 – Monday – 22 Vaisakh 1930 – 06 Jamadi ul Awwal 1429 – 12 May 2008

What utter, absolute, insane, useless madness! Why the hell do I get a proposition of the softer kind from a woman every fortnight. Why? I shall pen my reply for the coming generations to read. No, I do not want to sleep with you. No, I do not want to fall in love with you. No, I do not want to marry you. And no, I do not want to spend the rest of my life fathering your children. Thank you very much. I would rather have sex with OC from work, if only I had the courage to go upto him and he turns out to be gay, and if he is interested in sex, and if he is interested in me and we are able to find a suitable setting that will allow sex. And now that I have shown you all how seriously I feel about being propositioned by women I think I will still be able to marry a lesbian. Insane, you say? Yes, I reply.

Longish story shortish, doesnt make sense, but I went out for dinner with FF. Now she is a very close friend of a very close friend. And for some reason she thinks that the dinner was not a dinner. She thinks it was a “Dinner Thing”. I will give my listing of engagements below, but till such time, a dinner thing with FF is not a good thing. I can do dinner things with men, with whome there are possibilities, but with women it is just disturbing. As is all the incessant chatter about feelings and emotions. For Goodnesses sake, if I had feelings and emotions I would be menstruating right now.

So, I have no idea what to tell FF. She is expecting something, a call or another dinner or something. And here I am fuck scared of what to do. Maybe I am becoming a normal man, fear of commitment, not calling up women you meet up. Etc. Etc. But, all the same, I cant tell her I am gay, so I need an excuse.

Ladies? Your help required. Which is the best possible excuse?

Another thing, since my engagement has fallen apart and I was uncereminiously dumped by Dr Sahab after having fallen in love with him, women just cant get enough of me. I tell them that even though I didnt like my fiance I was ready to do it for the sake of family honour and she still dumped me, I can see the expression in their eyes stating firmly that my fiance was an idiot and I am God. Of course when I talked about Dr Sahab (converted into a female of course) and the fact that I fell in love with him (her sic?); the eyes, the eyes of the women I tell this to; their eyes become mellow and soft and pink. I can not explain. It is as if in their personal list of human beings I have climbed up twenty billion rungs of the ladder of humanity.

Ah, to be able to manipulate. I love it!

Speech

Day 10,097 – Wednesday – 17 Vaisakh 1930 – 01 Jamadi ul Awwal 1429 – 07 May 2008

Although I am certain of the fact that nothing I say or do has the power of amazing any of you any more. But, even then, I will say it. I am a over excitable. When I exercise regularly; when I work less than ten hours a day; and when I do not have my personal life crashing around me I turn into super Jalal. There, shock!

What I mean by super Jalal is someone who walks very fast, talks very very fast, thinks faster than he is able to express in any given format, and most of all has his sex drive shooting across oceans. Bascially, long story short. I am super Jalal since Monday. Work has settled down. I am over Dr Sahab. I am exercising like a freak since I noticed that the previous month of slight exercise and diet control has started to make a visible difference. Please excuse me while I hit my head on the roof repeatedly.

And one interesting that happened today was a one hour call with Dr Sahab. Now that we are better off as “just friends” we really like to talk to each other. So he said something that made all of my previous psychotic fears and neurotic phobias suddenly come to life. He said that there are some people who completely think about something that has happened when it has not occurred at all. I have no idea what he was talking about. Was he talking about us. Becuase I remember occasions which meant that this is a relationship. Did he mean us breaking up. Which I am sure we did since he SMSd. Or, did I hallucinate this? Or did I have a psychotic / neurotic episode?

What the fuck was he talking about. Why the fuck am I so absolutely insane that at the slightest hint of someone saying something I start questioning myself? I need to get laid! Bye ;)

HyperGylcemia

Day 10,094 – Sunday – 14 Vaisakh 1930 – 27 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 04 May 2008

So, basically, after being dumped for not being high on the looks scale, the consequent collapse in self esteem, and the ego shattering grovelling. I am quite over him. Took about twenty to thirty hours with myself. But now it is over. One thing I cant get over is the “you are a nice guy” comment when we broke up. I am not a nice guy. Since he didnt get to read my blog, he didnt know this.

I feel like laughing loudly, violently and in an evil manner. Like they do in the movies.

Moving on.

Had an interesting weekend. Met up with a lot of people. Including Dr Sahab, strictly as a nice guy friend.

I am such an idiot.

If there was an idiot meter. I would have broken it.

Abysmal

Day 10,092 – Friday – 12 Vaisakh 1930 – 25 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 02 May 2008

Abysmal. That just about sums up my performance over the past two days.

First Dr Sahab breaks up with me. And then he tells me that we should still be friends, reeling from this revelation he drops by to meet up “as friends” on Wednesday night. Just my luck.

I wake up on Thursday, decide that I can not do the friend thing. He calls me up late at night, just to talk, “as friends”. I told him that being friends is a bit too painful for me. And I think we should cease all contact. To that he gave me his opinion whereby people should be able to remain friends outside and/or after a relationship. But he was benificient enough to allow me to cease contact because different people behave differently. Two people with different opinions, but still able to not kill each other.

So, things had ended. All contact has ceased. I did not want that to happen. A part of me told me that if I remained friends he will come back. I was just not ready for cesession of all relations. And since everyone knows that I am an idiot. I decided to be an idiot. I called him before the Prayer break. And I told him that I think we should remain friends. He, of course, said yes. Stupid. Jalal is stupid. Jalal is stupid.

So, basically, how much should one fall? How much? This is below fall. This is sinking into oblivion. Uggghhhhhh. Now that there is not even a shard of self respect left I need to find an absolutely cute guy, and we need to go out and also invite Dr Sahab and be incredibly loving in front of him. And if possible he can lift the car with his bare arms and I can change the flat tire. And then we can both have sweaty, oily, greasy, grimy man sex in front of the car with Dr Sahab looking on and feeling sorry for his loss.

Jalal you are such an absolute fucking idiot.

Fin

Day 10,090 – Wednesday – 10 Vaisakh 1930 – 23 Rabi us Sani 1429 – 30 April 2008

From 00:06 on the 6th of April 2008 to 22:20 on the 30th of April 2008. 25 days. 598 hours. 35,895 minutes. An exceptionally beautiful period of my life. Everything, completeness and absolution. Generally, words are too ill designed to define beauty. So is the case here. I can only describe comparable feelings and snippets of thought that will be so personalized that the words that describe a cosmos’ worth of meaning to me would mean nothing to anyone else. So, I will not. Because I can not. If there is anything called love / lust at first sight; this was it. And more. Since the first instant, my beliefs that had taken ages to develop in a different environment, came crashing down. I matured at the rate of months per hour. I was transformed completely. Maybe forever.

I get a message at 22:20 on the 30th of April 2008. “yar dont you think we lack in chemistry.i do.it is like we are siblings.have not felt any sparks.it is good that we did not label it.we are better off as friends.what do you think”. Which, as per the norms of the rules of human behaviour and conduct, resulted in an immediate phone call. 11 minutes and 58 seconds later; it was over. It was already too good to be true. I can not have it. Done. Final. Bye. I tried, and also wanted, to spend every moment of my life with him. But. The inevitable but. What beautiful words, if and but. So little, yet so much.

May God save us from unrequited love.

I can still remember the time when he either nodded off or was just lying there. I was wearing my Che Guevara T shirt. He was on my left, cradled in my arms. His nose buried in Che’s beret. I remember thinking at that point in time that I felt so complete that I could do this forever. Later on, when I went home, I sniffed Che’s beret, so I could have the same feeling that he did. And see if he had left any imprint on it. I hate that shirt now.

Humans are such complex creatures. We need to lie. Sugarcoat. Lie. Tell untruths. Use words. Massage egos. Safeguard feelings. And hence, eventually prove to ourselves that since we are not inordinately harsh, in our opinion, on others, we are good people. We rationalize our every action. Since all humans do this, all humans know that the other person is doing this. So, as per the rules of any break up call, I was told that “you are a very nice guy”. Firstly, why the fuck would anyone want to be a nice guy, when they can be marauding barbarians brimming with fulfilled sexual urges. Secondly, I dont understand what the fuck being a nice guy means. Thirdly, why the fuck cant people be original. I mean, sure, you are going to wrench someone’s heart out. But, at least try to be original. It makes for good stories and blog entries after that person has finally gotten over you.

All said and done. He told me multiple times that he didnt feel “the thing” since the beginning. And I was told that this was precisely the reason why I was told very early on not to label this as anything. I did not. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I should know that if I dont label it in congress I should not label it personally. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He took this long because he wanted to ensure that this lack of feeling “the thing” was not due to the issues that he is facing in life. Fair enough. Basically, in plain English, he didnt find me attractive. Period. I mean, sure, I know I am not a good looking guy. And I realize this was not said, but sugarcoated. But, this was definitely not good for my over inflated ego.

After reading all this, I need not have to say this, but, there was no sex in the relationship. There were two occasions when we were alone, and on both occasions I got a bit amorous. Sorry. Horny young man in the presence of possible sex. I need to be forgiven. Please. I realized a couple of days after the second attempt that he did not feel at all attracted to me. He stopped me on both occasions with yet more sugarcoated sentences. Now, I feel so disgusting, so vile, so perverted. I feel like I was conducting rape. I actually shudder when I think of the ramifications of the thing. I just hope I wash myself of this feeling. I dont think most people can understand this, but it was disgusting. I feel so seriously unclean after this experience that it is not easy to explain or write this down.

Guys, and also girls, it doesnt really fucking matter if you have a good personality. It doesnt. It is about the looks. Trust me. For one, I am a guy, and I know this. The ones with the good personality are made friends, and the good looking ones are slept with. Choose your pick. Would you like conversation or sex? I mean, at least for me, I am clear on this. In case you still didnt understand. It is the latter. I have learnt that one should never subordinate sex to any other feelings. I will not do that again.

I was also told that since I am a nice guy he would like to be friends. Sure, it is very easy for you, wrench my heart out and then smile back and want to be friends. I dont know what to do. I dont want to seem weak and vulnerable and sulk. So, I will have to maintain a pretence of friendship. But it is not supposed to be long, he is going to go abroad in a month and a half. I think I can pass that amount of time like this. Hopefully. Fuck. It just feels so fucking painful to just be told sorry good bye all of a fucking sudden. I dont think I have been able to process this. I just started writing as soon as the call was over. Maybe I dont want to deal with this.

There is another thing. I am an idiot. He had been hinting at this for at least a week now. Seems so in retrospect. I just didnt get the hint. I attributed it to something or the other. But the fact of the matter is that I am very very very bad with hints. I keep persisting, until someone tells me in plain English that they are not interesting and that I will not be a part of their life any more. At least I can say that I learnt one thing in this relationship. I should not be making any more effort than the other person and if their interest in me wanes a bit, I should label the relationship as dead. Making an effort on my part and giving the other person the benefit of the doubt is incredibly stupid. It makes things difficult both of myself and the other guy. Lesson learnt. Life will move on.

So, basically, something that I was ready to do anything for. Something that I had invested in emotionally. Something that no words can explain. A happy edge to my life. A beautiful taste to my food. A strong fragrance in my breath. It is over. And all I can do is blog about it.

Yet again, a farewell. One that is so painful to go through, but, a farewell none the less.

PS – Written on Thursday morning. He called me up to meet up with him and a friend last night. Since I had already told him I will do this earlier on in the day, I said yes. I could not say no. It would have been awkward. So, we met up. Incredibly painful. Incredibly. I can not explain. And I seem to have kept up appearances quite reasonably. The moment I got out of the car and said good bye. I knew it. I can not see him again. It is just so fucking painful. I can not see him again.

It is over.