Archive for religion

Death

Friday – 15 Ramazan 1428 – 06 Asvina 1929 – 28 September 2007

Though it is not how we view things. But, we are the decisions that we make. Over a period of time, we become what we have done. There are times when desicions are made knowing the path and lead us towards our goal as we understand it. And then there are times when, oblivious to and maybe even apathetic to the direction we are moving in, we take decisions that alter our lives and us. The worst is when of our own free will and an absolute lack of coercion we make a decision that will lead us farther away from our goal and our life as we want it.

I have had to take such a decision recently. I opted for the third choice.

My engagement recently was a result of such a decision. For the past six years I have known that I could never lead the life of my choice. No one forced me. It was just how things are. My father would have considered it a complete loss of face to have an only son who is gay. My mother would have felt that I have been led astray and will ruin my life. Two people I care a lot about would have had the rest of their lives devastated. And I could not have accepted it because it would haunt me that I am the reason for their pain. So, the only way for me to go was to die. Not physically. Just that Jalal is becoming a separate person from me.

My blog is a place where I am who I really am. But, in my life, I am a completely different person. I used to joke about having multiple personality disorder. But, in a way it is true. The stigma attached to homosexuality does lead to people leading multiple lives. Usually they are two different lives. For me there is an online life through this blog and a community of people I interact with, and then there is the physical life of work and home and people I know through that. At an earlier point in time Jalal and myself had a lot in common. The difference between the two lives was not so acute. But, with the engagement, and with the expectations, and with the prying eyes of my family. I feel as if Jalal and myself are becoming two different people.

This sounds like a confession at one end and like a letter on the other. I have no idea why I am blogging this. Maybe for the catharsis. Maybe to just get my thoughts together. I do not know. That is how things are. Human beings are such fragile things, the light of consciousness and the ability to analyse our own feelings and thoughts, such complexity in such a small space.

Over the past one month I have told my fiance that I smoke, that I do take alcohol on a rather irregular basis, once a month or so, and that I do take drugs occasionally, once a quarter or so. Coming from a conservative background and endorsing that point of view as well, she took some time to accept it. But she did not accept it. Yesterday she told me to tell her father about all this, since she felt that he should know about these habits of mine.

I cant, I just cant. It is very very difficult. There are complications that I cannot reveal here or they will lift the veil on who I am. I cant tell him. And she wont accept me if I dont. So, the question was, I can distance myself from alcohol and drugs forever. But I wont tell her father. I think she will accept it. I will do this to handle this situation that could get very very bad otherwise.

But, with so many compromises. She is a Muslim, in am an Agnostic, in our situation I have to act like a Muslim. She has a strong faith in her religion, I have a strong faith in mine, I can not show it. She can never accept her husband to drink alcohol, I do, and I have to leave it. She can never accept her husband to do drugs, I do, and I have to leave it. God I am crying. This is so fucking childish. Everything and every manner in which I deviate from the moderate Pakistani social setup I am doomed. I have a personality built on some things, and they are all doomed. My being like this is not acceptable in either society at large or in my immediate family. I do not want to comform for my sake, but for the sake of other people. I have to.

I think that with this, I am in a way trying to kill Jalal in my physical reality. I dont know if I will be successful. I can do it in the short term. But, what I fear is time. Countless days, melting into months, melting into years, melthing in decades. Will I be able to keep Jalal dead in the decades to come. If I can, then yes, I have compromised and conformed and changed myself. But, if I can not, then what? What of the assurance I am to give my fiance tomorrow? If I can not do it, then I should not commit. But I dont want to kill Jalal. I like him. And for fucks sake I am crying again. I hate this.

I would love for there to be a situation, where I am what I am. I am accepted for what I am. And I can live like what I am. I know, it is a land of fantasy. I know that neither society nor my family will accept me as that. I know it can not happen. I know I will have to be what they want me to be. But, I do not want that. Life seems very very unfair, but then again it is life, it is as it is. Neither fair, nor unfair. I am what I am, and I am not supposed to be. I know this is acceptable in many countries outside Pakistan. But the thought of my parents here with my lifestyle gnawing at the core of their existence. The complete extrangement that I will have to undergo from my family. I cant do that. I want two things at the same time which can just not be in the possession of the same person.

I feel as if I am living in a world where I am not the object of desire. By family, by society, by anyone. The object of desire is a figure in an imagination who is exactly upto the expectations that people have set for me. It is not I but my impression in their conscience that they love and adore. I feel so useless. What is life but a series of injuries, to our egos, to our bodies, to our souls. Cest la Vie.

Tomorrow I live again, a new day. But Jalal dies outside this electronic world of weblogs, online communities, emails and messaging programs.

انّا للہ و انّا الیہی رجیعون

I will be in mourning. It is a very big loss. Words are so weak. Thoughts so poignant. Emotions so strong.

Advertisements

Relatives

Wednesday – 07 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 15 Sravana 1925 – 06 August 2003   

ohhhh such a wonderful day. i went to meet some relatives today. my grandfathers uncle and aunt. their children. and their children. some on them over from the us for the summers. some from the uk. and some from australia. it was wonderful. meeting relatives that you dont meet so often. specially when they are such nice people.

it was wonderful. i was the only guy there in his mid 20s. rest were about 3 girls in their teens. and about 10 kids. :). and also 5 old people. and 2 VERY old people. so i was the centre of attention. you know. the young people. who are the life of the gathering. with their jokes an puns and all. wow. i felt wonderful. it was very nice. the auntie from london was wonderful. so funny. i liked her immediately. she is like one of those wonderful aunties at family gatherings who everyone else sortof hovers around.

well it was a small house. not a mansion or a palace. but it was nice. we were all sitting on the second floor. there is this small terrace. with a fan. a wonderful breeze. two ‘charpais’. it is so wonderful when you sortof have to sit in a space that is not large enough. but it is breezy and windy and cheerful. and you all are having so much fun.

the women are all gossiping. the men are trying not to get bored to death. i love a good gossip now and then. “oh did you hear ….”. and then there is the “you know XYZ … she is always like that”. always the “you know … my inlaws”(HUGE EYE ROLL) understanding nod form everyone else a few hmmms and yeas. and then there is the “you know … my sons/daughters inlaws”(HUGER EYE ROLL) understanding nod form everyone else a few hmmms and yeas and sometimes even a “those people”.

and in such scenarios there is always a discussion on religion. when everyone tries to tell each other what to do. everyone accepts what everyone else says. everyone adds to the general amount of dos and donts. oh dont eat non-halal meat. do read this prayer 15 times in the morning. oh XYZ in haram you cant do that. but CDEFG is considered a very good act. oh did you know i heard ABC say XYZ.

well since i am not religious i dont know such stuff. but i keep a small library for such occasions. well i told the most things. they were all VERY liberal things. but the others managed to accept them. i was instant hit. i guy who is funny and nice. as well as religious. and just the right age to get hitched. many older women talked to my mom about getting me married. most marriages in pakistan are arranged. so you can well imagine. all i could say was “(NERVOUS) ehehehe not until i am 28”

all in all it was a wonderful evening. nothing like meeting a lot of relatives after some time. and sitting out in the open air. fans and charpais and tables. lots to eat and lots to talk about. it was a wonderful evening.

Suffocation in the Closet

Monday – 05 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 13 Sravana 1925 – 04 August 2003 

i am very upset today. this will be a long post. so brace yourselves.

well here in pakistan the patters of hanging out are very different. for example the guys in our street hang out in our street. we sit somewhere or stand somewhere. and keep talking. keep making jokes. or keep making fun of someone. that is what we do. at times for hours on end. that is how we hang out.

when we make fun of each other we talk about all things. well day before yesterday one of the guys called me gay. and i asked him to come inside to my room and ill prove myself. everyone laughed. it was like a jalal 1 – opponent 0 moment. i won. hundreds of other such things happened. i forgot about this happening that very day.

what is bothering me is my mom overheard me saying that. well i am not masculine. i am feminine. so my family suspects that there is something wrong. also i think someone once thought she saw me watching pics of guys. so they suspect. well after what my mom heard yesterday she was completely shocked.

she talked to my cousin about this. yesterday. she told him what she heard. she told him about the other incident. she told him about my not having a girl friend. she told him she was very concerned. she told him she cannot sleep. she is having migraine again. she is worried as hell. she is being strange with me. its like she doesnt know how to talk to me any more.

my cousin told her there is nothing like that. he told her all the guys from the gali(street) say such stuff to each other. nothing to worry about. then she calmed down.

but that is not the problem. the problem is what do i do. i cannot tell her about my being gay. it will just kill her. i mean come on this isnt europe where people will deal with it. in pakistan i am a thing. i am not a person i am a thing. i am the man who caused allah to send down an azaab(destruction) on the people of lut. i am that person. i am a sinner. i am a man who will go to hell. i am that thing.

well my mom will be easy to explain things to. she is a woman and a mother. what about my dad. good god in heaven. he is a policeman. i think i dont need to tell anything else. he is like this masculine guy. who i am sure has been making fun of feminine and gay guys for the last 30 years. at least. on a daily basis. for him to find out that i am gay. WHOA ! it will kill him. or maybe it will kill me.

god damn it. i just wish i didnt have to deal with this. but i do. i am just thinking of getting permanent in my job and settling down. maybe then i can talk to them. i dont know. anytime i tell them it will hurt them a lot. oh god. damn it. this sux. i cannot do this. also my sisters. they are so young. for them being gay so much more worse. they wont even understand what my parents will.

i am completely ok being gay with myself. but when my family comes in i wish i were straight. or i wish i had a brother. i am an only son. a concept lost on westerners. but asians will understand exactly what it means to be an only son. and being gay on top of that.

for the last 22 years ammi and abbu have been thinking about me. about how they will find the perfect girl for me. about how i will have a wonderful family life. about how i will have all the best in life. about how they will be proud of their only son. well that cant fucking happen now can it. i am fucking gay. no marriage. no family. no normal life. also i will go to hell. a proof of their failure as parents. god i hate this.

now i dont know what to do. i am angry and sad and i dont know what i am feeling. maybe guilt. i dont know.

Declamation

Saturday – 03 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 11 Sravana 1925 – 02 August 2003 

when i started this blog i wanted to do one thing. share my thoughts emotions feelings and actions with others. without any let or hindrance. completely free as what i am. telling them when i feel down. telling them when i feel elated. telling them everything uncensored. telling them i was a gay guy and that is why i think differently.

well today i noticed one thing. when i started this blog. i didnt think about activism as such. but now i am thinking about it. actually i am thinking a lot about my position in society. my right. my duties. that is why i am adding some links to gay sites and resources and portals pertaining to pakistanis and muslims who are gay. just to show you what is going on with me.

i am a man.

i am a muslim.

i am a pakistani.

i am gay.

i am proud of being gay.

anyone who have a problem with that can lead his own life the way they want and not meddle in my affairs. i am beginning to ask for my rights. but of course with a pseudonym. pakistan is not ready yet. i am not either.

i am proud of being a muslim.

i am proud of being a pakistani.

i am proud of being gay.

anyone who has religious moral ethical social or cultural scruples should know that i also have my thoughts. i also have my prejudices. but i never force mine on others. others should do the same. live and let live. the only way to a healthy society where majority opinions are not crammed down the throats of minorities.

this it my declaration of independence.

i shall never be ashamed of being gay.

i shall hold my head high and not be ashamed of the truth.

i shall accept being a muslim and being gay.

i am gay !

I Am Gay !

I AM GAY !