Archive for tv

Melancholia

Tuesday – 17 Shawwal 1428 – 08 Kartika 1929 – 30 October 2007

To start off with, basically, wow. Has been long.

At first I thought that I was having my periods and that had thrown me completely out of my emotional balance. But then I remembered that men dont have periods. They basically don’t have any excuses for suddenly becoming emotionally insane. Except the usual female complaint of being “just pigs”. So I will use that. I am just a pig. And mind you, Pigs can have half hour long orgasms. As it can be seen I use a situation where I find my life completely miserable and a mere shadow of an exitence on the surface of a rather wavy pond and turn it into a source of immense envy in the hearts of others. Yes, half hour long. Not me, Pigs.

So, as some of you might see from my previous emails, I have been extremely depressed because of my state of being gay in Pakistan. No acceptance within my family or society. No chance of leading a gay life. No chance of being happy by not leading a gay life. Do not believe in cheating on my wife or fiance. Do not believe in sleeping with men if my family does not know or approve. More contradictions in one sentence than I am used to hear from some of the more imbecilic of my colleagues when I have to stop them in each sentence and tell them that they are just not making any fucking sense.

So, I have seen the whole of “3rd Rock from the Sun” in the past two weeks.  I just love the show, and by that I mean, I love it to a level considered taboo in most societies. And, I am reading Hardy – A pair of blue eyes. I absolutely adore Hardy. His works capture my life in ways that are haunting and relieving at the same time. After this I will read Tess. I loved Jude and the Mayor of Casterbridge.

And, in the ending I think I would like to say that most probably my depression is coming to an end. Or maybe not. Too early to tell. But I just hope that if my depression does continue I do not want to spend sixteen straight hours in front of the television just to not let my mind wander off to any other ideas.

Oh, and yes, if there are any eligible Lesbian women out there looking for gay guys to marry. Send me a fucking email so we can finalize the deal woman!

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Roohi

Sunday – 09 Rajab 1424 – 16 Bhadra 1925 – 07 September 2003 

i saw a drama today. “roohi” casting ‘talat hussain’. well lets just say that anyone who can understand urdu. who likes beautiful things. who can appreciate a drama. has to watch it. if you dont watch it you will lose something. you will lose something. watch it. please. i beg of you. watch it.

the acting. oh dear dear lord. the acting. talat hussain and the girl. it is wonderful . the subtle subtle hints. the hints that i can understand as a pakistani. the ghazal being played at a certain point and the wording telling you what is going on. the music being played to heighten or dampen the mood. the way the actors had small … minute eye movements and worlds of meanings that they held in them.

the subtle subtle things. and the big big meanings. barefoot in the library showing casual as opposed to formal. the way talat is shown and the very very subtle things in which i can see a man who has the morals of a pakistani from a well educated background and who grew up in 1950s and 1960s. oh it is a wonderful drama. you have to watch it. have to.

i am in a wonderous mood right now because of that. it was like i was touched by a ray from heaven. the beauty. the aesthetic. the touch. the feel. the desire. the passion. the ‘haya’. the ‘hijab’. the aura. the whole feeling of the art of drama touching the epitome of sublime beauty and me watching it. and the ability to share it with someone else, in this case my cousin. it was wonderful. i hope all of you as wonderous evenings as i had today.

pakistan has a very rich tradition of tv dramas. until the late 80s pakistan saw only one tv channel. pakistan television ptv. and they used to show a drama every night between 8 pm and 9 pm. there used to be 4 quarters in a year and 13 episodes in every quarter. there were times when between 8 pm and 9 pm the streets of karachi used to be deserted. throughfares and main roads were emptyish. everyone used to watch the dramas.

and they were excellent. in the script. in the acting. in the directing. in the sets. in the expression. in the settings. everything. they used to be excellent. the art was carried to new heights in pakistan. tv drama. called “drama” lovingly by millions of pakistanis. it was our art. we mastered it. we took it to its zenith. the drama reached its peak in the 80s. tanhaaiyan, waris … well known pieces of art.

unfortunately the art of the drama has gone down now. maybe itll resurrect some day later. but by god it was a marvellous time while it lasted. i hope comes back.

Shocks

Wednesday – 29 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 08 Sravana 1925 – 30 July 2003 

two things that shocked the living hell our of me in the last hour that i managed to post about.

1- i saw oprah. there is this extremely cute guy who is probably an interior designer. but he is so so so so so cute. and yes according to my tradition i have already found something wrong with him. he isnt 6ft + in height. i am so gay.

2- i was watching *m*a*s*h* and they gave b.j. an absolutely sentimental and marvellous present on his anniversary. and i fucking cried. there were tears in my eyes. i mean with my cousin sleeping in the next. if he had gotten up and seen that. his MALE cousin crying. he would have shot him followed by all the other male members of my relatives. 22 year old pakistani male crying. i am so gay.

Odyssey

Friday – 17 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 27 Asadh 1925 – 18 July 2003

100 point odyssey through my life. no particular order. CAUTION : proceed at your own risk.

001 – i am an idiot to think that any of you will like to read this list here. but i am posting it all the same because like i said i am an idiot.

002 – like old nostalgic songs on tv

003 – like to listen to south asian classical music (raagas for those who dont know what i am talking about)

004 – my friends and our friendship is very important for me

005 – use english spellings rather than american spellings

006 – like the sound of azaan for maghrib

007 – my fake sex buddy is david fumero

008 – like to listen to ghazals

009 – people who follow soap operas for more than 3 years should be relocated and not allowed to see that soap any more

010 – have fallen in love once and fallen out of it as well (after being dumped)

011 – the college majors that i wanted to do at some time in my life included architecture, history and urdu

012 – often say ‘aray!’ and also ‘oh my god!’

013 – favourite character on the tv serial friends is phoebe, frasier is niels, everybody loves raymond is deborah

014 – dislike violence and war

015 – like pictures of beaches in latin american countries (wow they are a HOT people)

016 – for me the biggest turn on is a ‘man’ (masculine and wild)

017 – for me the biggest turn off is if someone uses a linguistically incorrect sentence or if they talk in a bad accent (no hard and fast rules. i decide which accent is good or bad)

018 – i seriously dislike if someone uses wrong grammar in urdu or english

019 – i seriously dislike if someone uses wrong pronunciation in urdu or english

020 – i seriously dislike if someone has a bad accent (bad by my standards not any specific standard)

021 – very attracted to policemen. specially uniformed policemen from america and europe

022 – i can understand written french, farsi and arabi crudely

023 – like to watch satellite images and aerial images of the earth and different parts of it (yes you are right. i am a big big freak)

023 – humour i like. satire or wit? satire.

025 – favourite modern time and place combinations. paris under the sun king. dehli under shah jahan. vienna at the time of mozart. london under queen victoria. berlin 1938ad. new york now. karachi now. (i also fantasize a lot about these)

026 – favourite english tv shows are friends, everybody loves raymond, frasier, drew carey show, sex and the city, 3rd rock from the sun, star trek (next generation, original, enterprise)

027 – when i went to the us i used to sit besides a lake a lot. the lake and its beaches were private property but noone lived on this side of the lake. i used to go in because i wouldnt be intruding on anyone. i was caught trespassing by a cop. i have this thing about cops and i had this huge thing about him at that time. to save myself from trouble i had to act as if i cant speak english at all. he checked my passport and let me go. of course i couldnt ask him out. i am such an idiot.

028 – favourite job would be that where i get to live in many different cities and countries all over the world

029 – currently unemployed and looking for a job (this might change from 21-07-2003)

030 – dislike bigotry and intolerance (by the way i am told that i am a bigot)

031 – mehdi hasan is my all time favourite composer, musician and singer. he has the best voice of all humans that sing. (he is capable of giving me an orgasm just by his music)

032 – my fake boyfriend is colin farell

033 – birthday is on the 15th of september (i wonder why they dont call it ides of september)

034 – ethnic background is south asian sub group pakistani sub group urdu speaking sub group up-ite sub group yousufzai pathan

035 – dont have any tatoos yet. but i am thinking about getting one (at times it is a turn on at times it isnt )

036 – like the following comics bizarro, baby blues, wizard of id, rose is rose, the gambols

037 – favourite foods include haleem, biryani, paay, puloa and nihari (yes i am a glutton)

038 – have had a love affair over the internet with a guy in america from ohio. i know how he likes his eggs. i also know what he wants to name his daughter. i have no contact with him since july 2002 (when he stopped replying to my emails all of a sudden. i dont know if he is ok or not)

039 – have been doused in water 4 times in restauraunts by women. women dont like my male chauvinist pig attitude. i dont have one.

040 – people who think that putting out will ge them love are not completely wrong

041 – interested in history, movies, literature, music, art, news and politcs (no i am not dull in real life also I consider these interests a plus in the man of my choice)

042 – prefer fruit juices over water. water over milk. milk over coke(read carbonated drinks). coke(read carbonated drinks) over nothing

043 – once there was a cold rainy day. i had to go to my room in my university and i got wet due to rain. when i reached the dorm the door was locked. i coudlnt find my key. i needed to pee like hell. i tried to find a loo for half an hour. i was desperate. suddenly. i let all those muscles and ducts and everything free. i stopped trying to stop it. and moment i let go was the most relaxing moment of my life. although i agree it was the most disgusting thing anyone had ever blogged about. but it was the most relaxing moment ever (for those of you who might stop loving me after this please don’t. this was a once in a life time thing. It will never happen again.)

044 – have a bachelors in computer engineering

045 – i am 6 ft tall or about 184 cms tall

046 – there has been only once that i met a guy who was also gay and interested in me. we both liked each other on sight. we went for dinner. it was my first and only date. i was very nervous. to the extent that at one time i spoke without breathing for 15 minutes. we never had any contact after that. i am such an idiotic buffoon.

047 – favourite musicians/composers are mehdi hasan, ravi shanker, bare ghulam ali, eric clapton, beethoven, tchaikovski

048 – dislike wearing suits and ties

049 – of the seven sins my favourite is lust

050 – favourite ancient time and place combinations. memphis under khufu, mohenjodaro 2000bc, persepolis under xerxes, athens under pericles and rome under julius caesar

051 – i am a virgin (no it is not a lie! i am a virgin! i didnt find the right person yet)

052 – spend an immeasurable amount of time on the internet

053 – shortcomings in someone. nagging or stupidity? nagging.

054 – all time favourite newspaper is ‘dawn’ from karachi pakistan (read it daily and love its format and content)

055 – sometimes when you are sitting with friends and someone cracks a very good joke someone on the table might spew all the drink out in a geyser. i once cracked a joke that was so funny that two people sitting opposite each other did it at the same time. giving me a view of two geysers going in opposite directions at the same time. so i am 1 of 9 humans to have seen something like that in the last 10 years.

056 – sports that i play include swimming, cricket and horse riding

057 – dislike narrow minded people

058 – some of the urdu writers that i like are saadat hasan manto, ahmed nadeem qasmi, ibn e insha, bano qudsia

059 – have black eyes

060 – once had a chance to get either my or my best friends grade improved in college. i got his grade improved. never told him.

061 – likes in others. beauty or brains? both

062 – i have two blogs. one for the gay man that i am. one for the straight man that i have to pretend to be

063 – once spent a whole day in my university to find at the end of the day that my jeans were ripped at an awkward location. noone ever jokingly called me a girl in college after that day. even if i said that i like romantic comedies and want to have manicure and pedicures and facials for the rest of my life. believe me i once said that just to check. i wasnt called a girl. i was called effeminate.

064 – some of the urdu poets that i like are ghalib, mir, faiz, momin

065 – favourite weather is overcast with slightly darkish clouds (kaali ghata), mild breeze, light rain and sunlight breaking through the colouds far away

066 – dislike fanatics and fundamentalists

067 – love watching statisics and facts and figures. Love stock quotes and other figures and statistics that keep changing with time

068 – favourite times of the day are dawn(early morning) and dusk(late evening)

069 – honour is more important than money

070 – currently living with family (like all normal pakistanis my age)

071 – zodiac sign is virgo

072 – once got up at 4 am just to help my friend finish a project while he went to sleep till 8am.

073 – once screamed like a girl during an earthquake. after the quake made fun of another friend and “his” scream. everyone still thinks that other guy was the one who screamed (i know i am a devil in disguise)

074 – born in karachi

075 – favourite medieval time and place combinations. venice in its glory. dehli in the time of amir khusrau. samarkand under amir taimur. cordova in 1000ad. baghdad under harun ur rasheed.

076 – current dating status is that i am available and searching for someone right for me (yeah right! who isnt)

077 – like the smell of burning incense

078 – dislike the political right

079 – some of the english books that i liked very much les miserables, passage to india, war and peace, the god of small things, lord of the flies

080 – there is no 80 because there are two 23s.

081 – my fake girlfriend is brooke shields

082 – sometimes, i write poetry in urdu

083 – got my penis stuck in the zipper only once in my life. i was 9 at that time. it wasn’t bad and i was saved a lot of problems

084 – favourite urdu tv dramas waris, tanhaaiyan, aangan terha, chaand girehn

085 – like the smell when the first drops of rain fall on the dry ground (soondhi soondhi mitti ki khushboo)

086 – a girl once asked me to marry her. we didnt know each other well at that time. actually we had just spent less than three days with each other all our lives. i fell down and died. i later learned that she says that often. she uses it instead of fuck off.

087 – college majors that i wish i had taken when i was in college international relations, political science, south asian classical music

088 – prefer to use english dates (ddmmyy) rather than american dates(mmddyy)

089 – once i was buying something from a convenience store. when i went to the payment counter there was another guy there. i was about 17 he was about 25. he was SO SO SO hot. well as i walked upto him he looked at me. i accidentally said ‘wow!’ while looking at him. i said ‘wow!’ while looking at him. he got flustered and left. i never forgot i said ‘wow!’. i am such an idiot.

090 – hair colour is black

091 – love this urdu movie ‘anand’

092 – i would rate money after honour, integrity, honesty, relationships, family, friends and education

093 – like good music

094 – don’t have any piercings and probably wont get any either

095 – once my best friend had to hold a whole sports event. so i helped him for five days in planning and implementing everything in that plan. didnt sleep more than 3 hours on any one of those days. then on the last day i fucked up and forgot to go get the guests. no event that year. sorry S.M.

096 – urdu and english are my first languages. i think in both of them.

097 – favourite international cities to live in would be paris, new york, istanbul, cairo, rome, san francisco in that order

098 – some english movies that i liked very much amadeus, shakespeare in love, contact, an ideal husband, gone with the wind, star trek(all of them), legends of the fall, gandhi, jinnah, the courtesan

099 – really dislike spam

100 – if you read through the whole list you are even more bored than i was while i wrote it. you also need a life. maybe less than me but all the same. or maybe you are interested in me. in which case you can drop me a line. oh my good! I really need a life

Neighbour

Thursday – 09 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 19 Asadh 1925 – 10 July 2003

well we all have a sexy handsome cute guy in our neighbourhood. we know that he is str8. but we still like him quite a bit. sometimes we even think about him and us. well that has happened to me as well.

i went over to his house to just hang out. by the way he is a friend as well. when he opened the door he was in jeans. no shirt. some sortof cleansing creme or something on his face. which is very awkwards. because men in pakistan do not use beauty products. but well like i said. nice sight. well built body. better than i imagined.

two days in a row. this seems like i am on a roll. meeting or seeing someone sexy every day. now this is the kinda time that i like to spend.

saw this new program. malcolm in the middle. laughed like hell. it is actually a very nice comedy program. shows you how life would be with lots of children in a middle class family. also it is very well written and acted out. so it is really really funny. well i got to go now. ill keep you guys updated about what is going on.