Archive for Travel


Day 10,059 – Sunday – 10 Chaitra 1930 – 21 Rabi ul Awwal 1429 – 30 March 2008

So, I went to see two apartments. Fucking sucked. Dirty, dingy, stuffy, smelly hovels! So, I have given my estate agent (definitely non cute, 3 on a scale of 0 to 100) a list of what we want, me, and my friend. And, again, so how seriously fucking difficult is to tell someone directions to a place. What the fuck does turn right from Teen Talwar mean? There are four roads going up to Teel Talwar. I can take a right on any one of them. Oh, oh, yes, right, the road called Road X? Right. It is a two way fucking road, I can take a right and go to two opposing roads. Moron! Oh, ok, the road going from A to B take a right. Thank you. Brainless twit! After this conversation the estate agent was downgraded to a 2.

I saw a movie Cloverfield. Amazing. Good. This is exactly what I needed. A large number of additions to the list of psychological disorders that I already have. It is bad enough that I can not sleep in the dark because I am afraid of God knows what. It is bad enough that I have over a period of time become so psychotic that in any possible reality I can see at least five to ten different alternate realities, which have by now become very regular and at times seem more real than the reality around me. And then, I, Mr Moron, go ahead and watch Cloverfield. I have avoided all movies classfied as Horror for the past two to three years, and then I do this. How much is my IQ again? Equivalent to that of a rather stupid chicken?

Oh and yes, I have another amazing idea on how I want to lead my life. I want to buy a horse, sit on it, and ride away. And keep riding for the rest of my life. And write, while I am not riding. I want to travel the world on horseback like everyone’s ancestors. Yeah, right, as if the idea of spending the rest of my life in a Zepplein/Blimp was not preposterous enough. And yes, as any normal / sane person might have guessed. There are two other idea. In one, I have a Caravan. And in the other a large boat.

Dont, look at me, talk to Jalal. He is the crazy one.


Sunday – 09 Safar 1429 – 28 Magha 1929 – 17 February 2008

Well, the recent writers block has been violently overturned due to personal, official and political developments.

After the sad demise of my extremely disfunctional and painful engagement, I have been free to partake of the bounties of the world. Despite the psychosis, depression, hyperexcitement, body image issues, obesity and of course the abject fear of meeting complete strangers who might end up killing or looting me I have managed to garner a reasonable love life for myself. Let us not jump any guns. I am not romantically inclined towards anyone right now. Though I have managed to get one or two dates a week for the past one month. And of course, that is quite exciting to start off with. So, I am back in the game.

Gentlemen – Send your applications at my email address. The ability to communicate in human languages, a good sense of humour and of course being sexually attractive will definitely be a plus.

Ladies – If you are of the homosexual inclination and want nothing more than to marry a man who will understand you and has been voted the best-husband-to-be by a group of seven women please send your applications at my email address. A good sense of humour, a proper education and of course the ability to bear offspring who will beat off all the other competitors and hunt the largest prey will be a plus.

On the official front, I was recently sent on a Pan Pakistan training, fact finding and team building tour. Hyderabad, Quetta, Multan, Faisalabad, Lahore, Sialkot, Islamabad and Peshawar. After four flights and seven bus rides over a period of two weeks I have ended up meeting about two hundred colleagues from across the length and breadth of the country. It went very well, I saw more of Pakistan in a two week period than I could ever have in such a short time span. The eve of elections, the sexually charged winters and the mad dash to the next station all added to the overall excitement of an endeavour as insane as I am as a person. After this sentence I can see my English teacher standing behind my shoulders with a cane in her hand. “Propositions, preposition!, PREPOSITION!!!, use them, and stop writing like a dawdly”. I have no idea what a “dawdly” is, but I do not want to be one. I digress, the trip went well. All work and no play.

But, alive to my reputation of having dirty eyes, I present to you a ranking of men from cities across Pakistan, using the following factors – masculinity, beauty, wit, humour, finesse, class and of course added weightage for the first two purely physical factors. Please keep this handy, you will never in your whole life come across a list as interesting as this. Or the previous one, where I counted how much traffic passes in front of the City Court in the evening by hour.

1 – Karachi
2 – Islamabad
3 – Peshawar
4 – Lahore
5 – Quetta
6 – Sialkot
7 – Faisalabad
8 – Hyderabad
9 – Multan

Or course visiting nearly the whole country right before the elections has made me fairly clear about how the election will turn out.


Monday – 13 Zilhaj 1428 – 04 Pausa 1929 – 24 December 2007  

So, despite all the suggestions, ideas, opinions, advice and orders given to us, me and a group of friends decided to go on a Pakistan wide road trip. Starting on the day of Eid. Crazy you might say, but I would call it an adventure. That is life, what the boring goat killing meat eating morons call stupidity and crass idiocy I would call adventure and action. After all, I have learnt over a lifetime that I do not usually do what society expects me to do and I do things on many occasions just to be different and opposing to the trends to society. I used to think of it as individualism and non comformity, but now, I think it is just psychotic stubbornness.

So, the trip being so long and so intense can not be put into words, I would need to write at least 56,783 pages. But, lets not do that. I will just give a summary of how the trip unfolded.

Karachi – 07:38 – 21,069 Kms
Nooriabad – 08:59 – 21,181 Kms

Flying the car at 160kmph.

Jamshoro – 09:25 – 21,238 Kms
Sehwan – 10:52 – 21,372 Kms
Dadu – 11:44 – 21,416 Kms

Bad fucking roads; suicidal dogs who would just not get out of the way of the car; lots of roadkill; crazy people standing in the middle of the road and not moving unless I keep my hand on the horn; and last but not least the company of good friends to get me through this.

Larkana – 14:11 – 21,545 Kms
Sukkur – 16:21 – 21,651 Kms

Having food at Sukkur.

Sindh Punjab Border – 18:52 – 21,794 Kms
Sadiqabad – 19:15 – 21,821 Kms
Rahim Yar Khan – 19:31 – 21,843 Kms
Bahawalpur – 21:32 – 22,036 Kms

Calling twenty odd people who we knew and asking them if it is a good idea to go straight to Lahore and not stop over in Multan as we had planned earlier. Opposition from each and every one of those people. Despite that we decide to go straight to Lahore and not stop in the middle. If only there was one sane person in the car they would have told us not to go straight to Lahore and stop over in Multan. Global public opinion versus the people in the car. We win and we move for Lahore.

Multan – 22:35 – 22,118 Kms

Unbelievable amounts of Coffee in Multan. Hogging it.

Mian Chunnu – Haroon Service Station – 00:32 – 22,222 Kms

Used the restroom, again. Terrible.

Harappa – 01:10 – 22,276 Kms
Sahiwal – 01:24 – 22,296 Kms
Okara – 01:53 – 22,337 Kms

The journey just does not stop. Long, long, long, long, two drivers, eighteen hours. Amazingly long journey.

Getting to drive in Lahore for the first time in my life.

Lahore – 03:30 – 22,478 Kms

Sleep over in Lahore, getting up and going to Daewoo Bus service for a ticket to Islamabad. Got a ticket for 8. Traded in the ticket for an open position in an earlier bus.

Daewoo Lahore – 19:37
Ravi – 20:06
Bhera – 21:20
Motorway Ends Islamabad – 11:55

Get to meet four of my friends from college. They are in from different parts of the world, and the possibility of these people gathering in one place in one time is nearly non existent. So, enjoying the company.

Marriott – 12:30
Serena – 02:30
Marriott – 02:45
Home – 03:15

Started reading the Kite Runner.

Sleep – 04:00
Awake – 10:15
Full Quorum – 11:15
Heading out – 13:15
Buying Beers – 14:15
Having Beers – 15:15
Having Food – 16:15
Leaving for Airport – 17:00
Islamabad Airport – 19:00
Karachi Airport – 21:00
Home – 21:45

Travelled across the country and got back home. One very long road trip. One meeting with a group of all of my friends from college. Amazing journey for life.


Tuesday – 24 Jamadi us Sani 1428 – 19 Asadha 1929 – 10 July 2007

Well, as if a self obsessed ego maniacal horny bastard like myself would not be talking about my trip to Singapore. Bah, Humbug!

So, the highlights include the fact that I was quite turned on by one of my colleagues over there and sparks flew, mine due to lust, and his due to homophobia. I am so stupid. Of course the problem was resolved amicably by my acting like a complete asshole and him thinking that maybe I am not gay but just extremely ill mannered. Honour is saved and respect is lost. Oh well!

Since alcoholic beverages are illegal in Pakistan I got an opportunity where I had only alcoholic beverages for a period of twenty nine days. I did not have plain water, I did not have Coke, I did not have any non alcoholic drinks for twenty nine days. This excludes the occasional drink of water when you wake up in the middle of the night and are about to die, pending liquids being poured down your throat.

And then there was this time when I ate twenty eight chicken wings at Hooters. I am disgusting! I mean, come on, it is only food, it is not love. There is no need to crave it so much and then gorge on it like no tomorrow. I mean, dude get over it! Stop acting like the dustbin that gets all the leftovers. I think I will feel very ashamed now!

Oh, and to top all this off, things at work are going very well. I am going to be transferred into another very interesting department, good team, good work and completely edible bois. Wish me luck and self control and the ability to spend my time in my current job without destroying every shred of respect that I have. Amen!

Oh, and in case you did not know, Mango Milk Shakes are just so seriously fucking delicious that I could have one every hour of the day. Pakistanis and Mangoes, strange psychological dependencies.

Tera Pakistan Hay

Sunday – 11 Jamadi us Sani 1424 – 19 Sravana 1925 – 10 August 2003   

todays patriotic song. one of the five that i had in american on the 14th of august 2001. i didnt know i had this one as well. the other had been downloaded on the night before the 14th. i was very happy to find this one as we used to sing it a lot as children and it hit me with a lot of nostalgia for the land that i was missing dearly after a 6 week stay in america.

jalal goes amock with hysterical patriotic fervour.

tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay

tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay

tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

jis ki buniyadon mein hay tera lahoo mera lahoo

jis say teri aabro hay jis say meri aabro

jis ki buniyadon mein hay tera lahoo mera lahoo

jis say teri aabro hay jis say meri aabro

jis say tera naam is say meri pehchaan hay

jis say tera naam is say meri pehchaan hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay

tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

yeh meray quaid ki jeeti jaagti tasveer hay

shaer e mashriq kay khabon ki haseen tabeer hay

yeh meray quaid ki jeeti jaagti tasveer hay

shaer e mashriq kay khabon ki haseen tabeer hay

yeh watan pyara watan sarmaya e iman hay

yeh watan pyara watan sarmaya e iman hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay

tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

Pakistan Paindabad !


Friday – 17 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 – 27 Asadh 1925 – 18 July 2003

100 point odyssey through my life. no particular order. CAUTION : proceed at your own risk.

001 – i am an idiot to think that any of you will like to read this list here. but i am posting it all the same because like i said i am an idiot.

002 – like old nostalgic songs on tv

003 – like to listen to south asian classical music (raagas for those who dont know what i am talking about)

004 – my friends and our friendship is very important for me

005 – use english spellings rather than american spellings

006 – like the sound of azaan for maghrib

007 – my fake sex buddy is david fumero

008 – like to listen to ghazals

009 – people who follow soap operas for more than 3 years should be relocated and not allowed to see that soap any more

010 – have fallen in love once and fallen out of it as well (after being dumped)

011 – the college majors that i wanted to do at some time in my life included architecture, history and urdu

012 – often say ‘aray!’ and also ‘oh my god!’

013 – favourite character on the tv serial friends is phoebe, frasier is niels, everybody loves raymond is deborah

014 – dislike violence and war

015 – like pictures of beaches in latin american countries (wow they are a HOT people)

016 – for me the biggest turn on is a ‘man’ (masculine and wild)

017 – for me the biggest turn off is if someone uses a linguistically incorrect sentence or if they talk in a bad accent (no hard and fast rules. i decide which accent is good or bad)

018 – i seriously dislike if someone uses wrong grammar in urdu or english

019 – i seriously dislike if someone uses wrong pronunciation in urdu or english

020 – i seriously dislike if someone has a bad accent (bad by my standards not any specific standard)

021 – very attracted to policemen. specially uniformed policemen from america and europe

022 – i can understand written french, farsi and arabi crudely

023 – like to watch satellite images and aerial images of the earth and different parts of it (yes you are right. i am a big big freak)

023 – humour i like. satire or wit? satire.

025 – favourite modern time and place combinations. paris under the sun king. dehli under shah jahan. vienna at the time of mozart. london under queen victoria. berlin 1938ad. new york now. karachi now. (i also fantasize a lot about these)

026 – favourite english tv shows are friends, everybody loves raymond, frasier, drew carey show, sex and the city, 3rd rock from the sun, star trek (next generation, original, enterprise)

027 – when i went to the us i used to sit besides a lake a lot. the lake and its beaches were private property but noone lived on this side of the lake. i used to go in because i wouldnt be intruding on anyone. i was caught trespassing by a cop. i have this thing about cops and i had this huge thing about him at that time. to save myself from trouble i had to act as if i cant speak english at all. he checked my passport and let me go. of course i couldnt ask him out. i am such an idiot.

028 – favourite job would be that where i get to live in many different cities and countries all over the world

029 – currently unemployed and looking for a job (this might change from 21-07-2003)

030 – dislike bigotry and intolerance (by the way i am told that i am a bigot)

031 – mehdi hasan is my all time favourite composer, musician and singer. he has the best voice of all humans that sing. (he is capable of giving me an orgasm just by his music)

032 – my fake boyfriend is colin farell

033 – birthday is on the 15th of september (i wonder why they dont call it ides of september)

034 – ethnic background is south asian sub group pakistani sub group urdu speaking sub group up-ite sub group yousufzai pathan

035 – dont have any tatoos yet. but i am thinking about getting one (at times it is a turn on at times it isnt )

036 – like the following comics bizarro, baby blues, wizard of id, rose is rose, the gambols

037 – favourite foods include haleem, biryani, paay, puloa and nihari (yes i am a glutton)

038 – have had a love affair over the internet with a guy in america from ohio. i know how he likes his eggs. i also know what he wants to name his daughter. i have no contact with him since july 2002 (when he stopped replying to my emails all of a sudden. i dont know if he is ok or not)

039 – have been doused in water 4 times in restauraunts by women. women dont like my male chauvinist pig attitude. i dont have one.

040 – people who think that putting out will ge them love are not completely wrong

041 – interested in history, movies, literature, music, art, news and politcs (no i am not dull in real life also I consider these interests a plus in the man of my choice)

042 – prefer fruit juices over water. water over milk. milk over coke(read carbonated drinks). coke(read carbonated drinks) over nothing

043 – once there was a cold rainy day. i had to go to my room in my university and i got wet due to rain. when i reached the dorm the door was locked. i coudlnt find my key. i needed to pee like hell. i tried to find a loo for half an hour. i was desperate. suddenly. i let all those muscles and ducts and everything free. i stopped trying to stop it. and moment i let go was the most relaxing moment of my life. although i agree it was the most disgusting thing anyone had ever blogged about. but it was the most relaxing moment ever (for those of you who might stop loving me after this please don’t. this was a once in a life time thing. It will never happen again.)

044 – have a bachelors in computer engineering

045 – i am 6 ft tall or about 184 cms tall

046 – there has been only once that i met a guy who was also gay and interested in me. we both liked each other on sight. we went for dinner. it was my first and only date. i was very nervous. to the extent that at one time i spoke without breathing for 15 minutes. we never had any contact after that. i am such an idiotic buffoon.

047 – favourite musicians/composers are mehdi hasan, ravi shanker, bare ghulam ali, eric clapton, beethoven, tchaikovski

048 – dislike wearing suits and ties

049 – of the seven sins my favourite is lust

050 – favourite ancient time and place combinations. memphis under khufu, mohenjodaro 2000bc, persepolis under xerxes, athens under pericles and rome under julius caesar

051 – i am a virgin (no it is not a lie! i am a virgin! i didnt find the right person yet)

052 – spend an immeasurable amount of time on the internet

053 – shortcomings in someone. nagging or stupidity? nagging.

054 – all time favourite newspaper is ‘dawn’ from karachi pakistan (read it daily and love its format and content)

055 – sometimes when you are sitting with friends and someone cracks a very good joke someone on the table might spew all the drink out in a geyser. i once cracked a joke that was so funny that two people sitting opposite each other did it at the same time. giving me a view of two geysers going in opposite directions at the same time. so i am 1 of 9 humans to have seen something like that in the last 10 years.

056 – sports that i play include swimming, cricket and horse riding

057 – dislike narrow minded people

058 – some of the urdu writers that i like are saadat hasan manto, ahmed nadeem qasmi, ibn e insha, bano qudsia

059 – have black eyes

060 – once had a chance to get either my or my best friends grade improved in college. i got his grade improved. never told him.

061 – likes in others. beauty or brains? both

062 – i have two blogs. one for the gay man that i am. one for the straight man that i have to pretend to be

063 – once spent a whole day in my university to find at the end of the day that my jeans were ripped at an awkward location. noone ever jokingly called me a girl in college after that day. even if i said that i like romantic comedies and want to have manicure and pedicures and facials for the rest of my life. believe me i once said that just to check. i wasnt called a girl. i was called effeminate.

064 – some of the urdu poets that i like are ghalib, mir, faiz, momin

065 – favourite weather is overcast with slightly darkish clouds (kaali ghata), mild breeze, light rain and sunlight breaking through the colouds far away

066 – dislike fanatics and fundamentalists

067 – love watching statisics and facts and figures. Love stock quotes and other figures and statistics that keep changing with time

068 – favourite times of the day are dawn(early morning) and dusk(late evening)

069 – honour is more important than money

070 – currently living with family (like all normal pakistanis my age)

071 – zodiac sign is virgo

072 – once got up at 4 am just to help my friend finish a project while he went to sleep till 8am.

073 – once screamed like a girl during an earthquake. after the quake made fun of another friend and “his” scream. everyone still thinks that other guy was the one who screamed (i know i am a devil in disguise)

074 – born in karachi

075 – favourite medieval time and place combinations. venice in its glory. dehli in the time of amir khusrau. samarkand under amir taimur. cordova in 1000ad. baghdad under harun ur rasheed.

076 – current dating status is that i am available and searching for someone right for me (yeah right! who isnt)

077 – like the smell of burning incense

078 – dislike the political right

079 – some of the english books that i liked very much les miserables, passage to india, war and peace, the god of small things, lord of the flies

080 – there is no 80 because there are two 23s.

081 – my fake girlfriend is brooke shields

082 – sometimes, i write poetry in urdu

083 – got my penis stuck in the zipper only once in my life. i was 9 at that time. it wasn’t bad and i was saved a lot of problems

084 – favourite urdu tv dramas waris, tanhaaiyan, aangan terha, chaand girehn

085 – like the smell when the first drops of rain fall on the dry ground (soondhi soondhi mitti ki khushboo)

086 – a girl once asked me to marry her. we didnt know each other well at that time. actually we had just spent less than three days with each other all our lives. i fell down and died. i later learned that she says that often. she uses it instead of fuck off.

087 – college majors that i wish i had taken when i was in college international relations, political science, south asian classical music

088 – prefer to use english dates (ddmmyy) rather than american dates(mmddyy)

089 – once i was buying something from a convenience store. when i went to the payment counter there was another guy there. i was about 17 he was about 25. he was SO SO SO hot. well as i walked upto him he looked at me. i accidentally said ‘wow!’ while looking at him. i said ‘wow!’ while looking at him. he got flustered and left. i never forgot i said ‘wow!’. i am such an idiot.

090 – hair colour is black

091 – love this urdu movie ‘anand’

092 – i would rate money after honour, integrity, honesty, relationships, family, friends and education

093 – like good music

094 – don’t have any piercings and probably wont get any either

095 – once my best friend had to hold a whole sports event. so i helped him for five days in planning and implementing everything in that plan. didnt sleep more than 3 hours on any one of those days. then on the last day i fucked up and forgot to go get the guests. no event that year. sorry S.M.

096 – urdu and english are my first languages. i think in both of them.

097 – favourite international cities to live in would be paris, new york, istanbul, cairo, rome, san francisco in that order

098 – some english movies that i liked very much amadeus, shakespeare in love, contact, an ideal husband, gone with the wind, star trek(all of them), legends of the fall, gandhi, jinnah, the courtesan

099 – really dislike spam

100 – if you read through the whole list you are even more bored than i was while i wrote it. you also need a life. maybe less than me but all the same. or maybe you are interested in me. in which case you can drop me a line. oh my good! I really need a life